dolari: (Default)
2019-02-20 12:43 am

(no subject)

Thoughts Before Bed:

There are two things that kept me from going pro when it came to comics and writing..

The first. When someone in authority tells me stop, I tend to do so. In comics, it's when a publisher sat me down and told me I didn't have the chops to draw comics, to stop chasing a pipe dream, and find a better living. To be fair, I didn't have the best drawing talent out there, but my work was mostly me writing with someone else drawing. But he was someone I admired at the time, and took it to heart and for nearly five years, I didn't draw a darned thing.

Not too long after that, I tried getting into scriptwriting, which is where Closetspace was born. I stopped that when an agent I was looking at hiring told me very specifically: "Listen, every one of these characters needs an actor. Every scene needs a set. Every episode needs a director. These episodes need music, and every one of those instruments has a person behind it. There are going to be hundreds of people involved in this. This thing? Not worth the money they'd have to put into it." I took it to heart and focused on technical support.


This is not the comic artist's fault. Or the agent. It's mine. It's mine for believing them that I didn't have have the chops for what I was doing. That they were right, and I needed to focus on an aptitude I have, but don't enjoy. My art never recovered from the 5 years of nothing. Closetspace was never made as a TV show. The book languishes and Genevieve and the Play are hard to write for. Because I believed in someone's opinion of my own failure.

I've tried to overcome that. With the comics, yeah, I'm better now about it. I tried to get a TV version of Closetspace done in 2013, and got kinda close. I'm working on Genevieve. But it's tough to not hear those voices and say "you should really give it up."

The second? I can't work through emotional pain. When Closetspace and AWFW were first running, I had comics out weekly. 104 a year. I'm two months into 2019, and have yet to draw three panels for one comic. I drew four in 2018, two in 2017. Since 2009, my output has dropped along with my mental health. Since 2011, my physical health has taken it's toll too. Crystal powers through her work, and I've seen the toll it takes on her. And when I'm inspired by her, and try it myself, the results are "No. The gas tank is empty."

The stress of life has gotten worse with each passing year, and the more energy I have dealing with that, the less I have for my creativity. My only real creative thing these days is playing Zelda games on streams and riffing them - which is incredibly passive, but all I can do anymore, really.

I don't know how some people do it. I really don't. I was gonna draw today, but had a bad call at the end of my day, that sapped everything. It wasn't even that bad of a call...but it sapped all my energy away. I've sat here listening to Pink Floyd and staring blankly at Facebook (or even just the walls) for hours, because my brain just didn't have the energy to draw or write.

There have been anti-depressants, there's been 5 hour energy drinks, there's been 13 hours of sleep on weekends. That last one works REALLY well. But it doesn't take much to zap the life out of me these days, and when it happens, the lights in my head just turn off.

I've considered ending all my creative endeavors, just focusing on obligations I owe others and once they're dispatched, walking away from my creative world and focusing on the next paycheck. I don't want to live that way. But it's hard to live any other way these days

Anyways, if you made it this far, thanks for reading. I'm gonna go to bed now. Sleep tight, and don't give up your dreams. And if someone tries to take them away from you, you punch them right between the eyes.
dolari: (Default)
2019-02-18 07:19 pm

(no subject)

You know what really warms my heart these days? After work some of the trans folks get together and just come hang out for a few minutes before they go home.

Back in my day that was the thing that was just completely and totally not done outside of support groups.

The reason? You might get unwanted attention and end up outting the person you were talking to. If you saw someone, leave them alone, for safety's sake.
dolari: (Default)
2019-02-15 01:27 am

(no subject)

Meeeeeeeeeeeeet Brannigan, Fannigan, Milligan, Gilligan, Duffey, MacCuffey, Mallochy, Malone, Rafferty, Lafferty, Donnelly, Connelly, Dooley, O'Hooley, Muldoony, Mahone, Hadigan, Cadigan, Lannihan, Flannihan, Fagen, O'Hagen, O'Houlihan, Flynn, Shannahan, Mannahan, Fogarty, Hogarty, Kelly, O'Kelly, MacGuiness, Magin!
dolari: (Default)
2019-02-13 02:39 am

(no subject)

I talk about how I run hot, and can handle long stretches out in freezing temperatures in just shorts and a t-shirt. Some of you have gotten worried about me. Just so you know, here's a story about how I knew my limits today:

Went outside to get the snow off the cars before they compacted into ice and spent the better part of an hour burshing all the snow off three cars and clearing a little path out our door. I was in a t-shirt, jeans and shoes.

About an hour out I'd pushed a TON of snow off one of the cars to the point that it was piled up to about four feet on one side of the car. I still needed to clean that part, so I took my time, and stomped over to the car, where the snow was coming up to my upper thighs. After a lot of brushing, the snow I was standing on collapsed tossing me deep into the four feet of snow. I got up, covered in dusty snow, and knowing it would all melt and become ice cold water, called it a night.

See? I know my limits.
dolari: (Default)
2019-02-11 11:50 pm

(no subject)

So. I have a pretty severe fear of falling. Today I played City in the Sky in Twilight Princess. If you would like to hear Jenn suffering (genuinely suffering), check out these videos and listen to Jenn live out her worst fears.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfnD0-ooNaE&index=83&list=PLHgkUFTzXaikHBTndDlq9hzC6cw_tevau
dolari: (Default)
2019-02-11 01:54 pm

(no subject)

Because I'm still snowed in, so my monthly road trip is kaput yet again, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess starts now: http://twitch.tv/jenndolari

Sadly, no face cam for City in the Sky like I'd been planning for months. I couldn't find a way to make me better looking than Shrek.
dolari: (Default)
2019-02-11 02:03 am

(no subject)

Special Thoughts Before Bed

My sister would have been 42 today.

Take care of your health, okay? Someone out there cares about you.
dolari: (Default)
2019-02-11 02:02 am

(no subject)

Thoughts Before Bed

❤ No I will NEVER be tired of snow. ❤

(Ice on the other hand...)
dolari: (Default)
2019-02-11 12:44 am

(no subject)

I'm working on a play for friend, and I have no idea what I'm doing. WHICH IS WHAT I AM BEST AT! ::writes furiously::
dolari: (Default)
2019-02-10 07:57 pm

(no subject)

Three inches of snow in two hours. O_o;

A totaly of nine inches of snow since this all started....
dolari: (Default)
2019-02-09 12:51 am

(no subject)

Thoughts before Bed.

"I'm Marjorie Malcolm-Scott, and immediately after Christmas I'm going back to live with my cousins in Canada, and I doubt if I'll ever come back here." Then she added, very slowly, looking directly at Marjorie, "And there's no way you can change that."
dolari: (Default)
2019-02-04 01:01 pm

(no subject)

"I shall go now. I have nothing more to say to you."
"You have said nothing to me yet!"
dolari: (Default)
2019-02-04 12:45 pm

(no subject)

"You're mad! PARANOID!"
"WHO ISN'T!? The only difference is that I'm a little more honest than the rest!"
dolari: (Default)
2019-01-28 03:18 pm

(no subject)

I think I have the computer stable again! So...Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess at the bottom of the hour!

http://twitch.tv/jenndolari
dolari: (Default)
2019-01-26 01:38 am

(no subject)

Thoughts Before Bed

The more I work on Ashley's play, the more I realize Scriptwriting is my best style of writing. It flows so much easier out of my head than prose or poetry or comic art.

Sadly, there's little call for scripting outside of a narrow set of writing jobs. Thankfully, though, this play is one of them.
dolari: (Default)
2019-01-24 12:49 am

(no subject)

So, since it's out there...wanna hear something I worked on?

"Cold Hands, Warm Heart" Arranged and Sung by Ashley Eriksson, Lyrics by yours truly.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7kGAXxbJ_M&t=43s

Part of the Ashley Eriksson Disco Project - https://www.ashleyeriksson.com/aedp.html
dolari: (Default)
2019-01-21 12:21 pm

(no subject)

"Our system indicates that there is no warranty or contract on your device. Please call Our Support Center at 1- 800-835-6100 option 1 and 1 to place a billable service call. The current rates for onsite service are $299 for the first half hour, $69 for each additional fifteen minutes, plus the costs of parts and any tax that applies."

Buying another laser printer is just $100 more. Wether that will be another Xerox Phaser printer is debatable.
dolari: (Default)
2019-01-21 11:27 am

(no subject)

Like Disco, but sad that there hasn't been new Disco since 1981? Don't know what disco is at all? Well, then give the Ashley Eriksson Disco Project a shot. And who knows, you might even catch one I worked on. ;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tMBBzvluQw&list=PLKArscMdyJvjJ030MB4IBBN48zi9WBpa7
dolari: (Default)
2019-01-20 01:04 pm

(no subject)

Streaming Twilight Princess' Arbiter's Grounds in...oh...let's say...now.

http://twitch.tv/jenndolari

#playallthezeldasquest #zelda