I don't like doing this, but i feel I gotta....

[dolari]

Okay, I'm doing this friends-only post (minus Erin) because I want to get something off my chest that has been haunting me the last few days, and frankly, I don't want to rain on Erin's parade. I don't like hiding my thoughts from people, but in this case I simply must make an exception, because you don't piss in the Kool-Aid at someone elses birthday party.

I knew this day would come, and I really feared it. I really didn't even want to move in with the Erin household, becuase I knew this day would come and I didn't know how I would react. And I'm reacting badly.

Right now, Eriin is either under the knife, or recovering from her Sex Change operation. The last few days I've been kinda down, but I couldn't put a finger on it...last night I realized that that was it...I'm pissed. Not at her, or her doctor or everything that she went through to get there...but I'm pissed that now four people I know have had the SRS, and have had it "relatively" pain free and with no major interruptions. Yeah, there were bumps and stalls, but they haven't crashed and burned once (okay, one DID crash and burn...but how she managed to do that after the plane actually LANDED, I'm still trying to figure out). I've not only crashed and burned, but I've eaten the survivors and there's still no hope of getting off this damned mountain.

And now I'm really upset over it all. People react to me badly when I'm female, I react to me badly when I go out androgynous, and I spend a LOT of time dwelling on how bad my situation has become. Yes, moving in with Erin was a good thing. But now I have to live with someone who has done something the Universe has conspired to make sure I do NOT get.

And that's gonna take smoe serious getting used to. I'm fighting the feeling of betrayal I get...I KNOW for a fact she did not consciously betray, she did nothing TO betray me...but tell that to my heart which is mad at her. The mind KNOWS there's nothing there, but that doesn't stop the heart from feeling it.

I'm in a mood - the main reason I'm not going to my reunion. When I'm in a good mood, I can take the stares adn jibes and such. When I'm not, they all hurt, and just SEEING women (ANY women) can just stb a knife through me. The club it's set at is infamous for it's small tiny sexy females in tight clothes. I will not go there tonight. No way. I'll be a quivering mess. Maybe next decade.

Erin comes back next week. When she does I will paint on a smile, and celebrate alongside her. I will wear a shit-eating grin to mask my fecal thoughts. And I will get over them, because she is my friend, and she's happy.

One day I'll be happy...

I hope.

Leak this entry and die. Even if you're outta the country, I will find you and send snakefish into your beds. They live for days, you know. Of course, I won't ACTUALLY kill you - but you get my drift (This last part is my official disclaimer).

Comments

[hockeyfag.livejournal.com]

I understand how you feel. I have felt similar feelings towards people as well, even tho I know its no fault of their own.

*hug*

[nathan-r.livejournal.com]

You're jealous. You're jealous because there's something out there that you desperately want and need, and Erin has managed to get it, but you haven't. Guess what? You're allowed to be jealous. The way you feel is normal, and I know that won't change your feelings, but please at least accept my assurance that you don't have to feel guilty on top of everything else.

You'll get your turn someday, too. I'm sure of it.

[jenni-the-odd.livejournal.com]

I'm with nathan_r on this one - you are allowed to be jealous. You are human. Therefore you are allowed to feel. And ignore your brain for a minute; this is a logical thing to feel. (right now) You can't have something you want. Name me one person in the world who says they wouldn't feel jealous when they know they have to wait for something they want SO BADLY while someone next to them gets it right away, and I will show you a liar.

One day you will be happy.
Or so help me world, there will be hell to pay. Grr. Yes.

*much hugs*

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

::hug::

Thanks. :)

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

I know I'm allowed to feel jealousy...but I can't let it show. Not until the buzz has worn off for Erin. If you cuold call it a buzz. :)

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the hug...

I hope I get my shot...everyone else is.

Next time, I'll pick the 10 items or less lane....

[kalibex.livejournal.com]

What they said!!

In the meantime, you can look at it as all this information that will come in useful when your turn comes...what worked for them during the process, what didn't, etc.

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

Definately - Erin and I both know this is a dry run for whatever come down the line in the future....

[zaecus.livejournal.com]

Others have expressed most of what I feel better than I could, but I'll also add that everything happens with purpose. (Not a reason, but a purpose. They're different.)

You may never know what that purpose is, but I know you have affected people in ways that would never have been possible if it had been easy for you.

And I'll get in a HUG, too.

*glomphuggles you*

[ghostangel.livejournal.com]

Hang in there ^.^

Re: *glomphuggles you*

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

Thanks....I need that. :)

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

>You may never know what that purpose is, but I know you have affected people in ways that
>would never have been possible if it had been easy for you.

I've never really thought about it that way.