![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I've had a really varied career. I worked at a comic store, delivered news papers, worked for two major computer companies, two major video game companies, done support for cash registers, atms, run an entire back office for a major office chain, and fixed photo kiosks. Some of the jobs were great, some suck.
I'm surrently working at AwesomeJob. The job was advertised as seasonal work, lasting until March, but with a (small) possibility of staying on. The job is, as its name implies, Awesome. So awesome, that I've decided to make a run for the (small) possibility of staying on. I've made a concerted effort to never be late (I've managed to be late once, however), make every effort to get excellent marks on all my calls (In the four call evaluations I've had, I've never failed one). Report anything and everything I could, mind my Ps and Qs, say what needs to be said.
I've been very hard on myself for this job, because I'm trying to make this job, which is essentially a phone monkey paradise, into a permanent position. There are scripted things we must say, but are encouraged to paraphrase them. I say them as often as I can remember to say them...but sometimes I miss. Sometimes I say things I shouldn't, like catching myself talking about a production issue with one of our systems. Or other times, I find myself jumping ahead in the troubleshooting from force of habit at jobs where speculating about the problem was part of the diagnosis (the troubleshooting here is heavily scripted). Each time I do this, I feel myself losing a little more of my ability to stay on.
Mainly, though, my fear of losing this jobs comes from a phobia I've developed over the last decade or so of being fired/laid off.
I've been laid off so many times, or fired that I've developed some bad expectations and fears. I've been fired five times and laid off three time. I've only ever quit a job three times (once for a better job, once for my sanity, and once to change cities). Because of the ways I was laid off, and that it's happened so often, swiping my badge is actually a stressful portion of my day. Anytime I swipe my badge, since 2003 or so, I'm totally convinced it will not work, and I'll be escorted off the premesis. AwesomeJob doubles this stress by having me clock in with my badge twice a day. I try VERY VERY VERY hard to tell myself it's all in my head, but my head can reason with things my heart refuses to believe.
Quality Assurance meetings have stopped being teaching/coaching tools for me. QA meetings are usually where you're coached into "You should do X and Y, and yuo did A and B wrong, so don't do it again." Again, going into these meetings my heart interprets it all wrong now - If I have a good meeting, with minimal coaching, I get "You survived this long, don't fuck up to the next one" and bad QAs come down to "You fucked up and it's only because I'm being nice that you're still working here." The QA fiasco at Globex has added a layer of "This is how your bad manager will attempt to destroy you."
Being fired for being trans had laid a phobia in me now where I try desperately not to use the restroom at my jobs. Even at DNP this was a problem (it was worked out in the end with their awesome HR department). Other places have not been so kind. One fired me for using the "wrong" restroom even though I was their best tech, which taught me my job performance meant nothing to some jobs. TxDOT told me I could resign, or be fired for Sexual Harassment, which taught me that I could be discriminated against. To try and keep this from being an issue at AwesomeJob, I actually walk across two buildings to use the one pivate stall that's open only during business hours.
All this has kind of piled up on me, making this phobia that I'm CONSTANTLY at risk of losing my job, no matter how good I am, no matter how well you perform. And it's really put a stressor on me because this is a job I want to keep. I'm super hard on myself, because if I'm not, I'll lose a dream job at a dream company. Ever little error sticks out like a sore thumb - missing a required script, customers getting into wierd off-subject areas, am I negotiating enough with customers without being argumentative? Every one of those is a question mark over wether I'll be here tomorrow.
It's an AwesomeJob as the name implies. We're here for the holiday season. Some might stay on later. Fewer will become permanent. I'm aiming for the top. And I won't know until it's too late that I've failed. I have the skills to do it - I just have to be as perfect as I can be to get it.
And THAT'S why I'm so worried about my performance this time around....
(As an aside, my tarot cards say I'm needlessly worrying, although be careful of personal conflicts which may be coming up)
I'm surrently working at AwesomeJob. The job was advertised as seasonal work, lasting until March, but with a (small) possibility of staying on. The job is, as its name implies, Awesome. So awesome, that I've decided to make a run for the (small) possibility of staying on. I've made a concerted effort to never be late (I've managed to be late once, however), make every effort to get excellent marks on all my calls (In the four call evaluations I've had, I've never failed one). Report anything and everything I could, mind my Ps and Qs, say what needs to be said.
I've been very hard on myself for this job, because I'm trying to make this job, which is essentially a phone monkey paradise, into a permanent position. There are scripted things we must say, but are encouraged to paraphrase them. I say them as often as I can remember to say them...but sometimes I miss. Sometimes I say things I shouldn't, like catching myself talking about a production issue with one of our systems. Or other times, I find myself jumping ahead in the troubleshooting from force of habit at jobs where speculating about the problem was part of the diagnosis (the troubleshooting here is heavily scripted). Each time I do this, I feel myself losing a little more of my ability to stay on.
Mainly, though, my fear of losing this jobs comes from a phobia I've developed over the last decade or so of being fired/laid off.
I've been laid off so many times, or fired that I've developed some bad expectations and fears. I've been fired five times and laid off three time. I've only ever quit a job three times (once for a better job, once for my sanity, and once to change cities). Because of the ways I was laid off, and that it's happened so often, swiping my badge is actually a stressful portion of my day. Anytime I swipe my badge, since 2003 or so, I'm totally convinced it will not work, and I'll be escorted off the premesis. AwesomeJob doubles this stress by having me clock in with my badge twice a day. I try VERY VERY VERY hard to tell myself it's all in my head, but my head can reason with things my heart refuses to believe.
Quality Assurance meetings have stopped being teaching/coaching tools for me. QA meetings are usually where you're coached into "You should do X and Y, and yuo did A and B wrong, so don't do it again." Again, going into these meetings my heart interprets it all wrong now - If I have a good meeting, with minimal coaching, I get "You survived this long, don't fuck up to the next one" and bad QAs come down to "You fucked up and it's only because I'm being nice that you're still working here." The QA fiasco at Globex has added a layer of "This is how your bad manager will attempt to destroy you."
Being fired for being trans had laid a phobia in me now where I try desperately not to use the restroom at my jobs. Even at DNP this was a problem (it was worked out in the end with their awesome HR department). Other places have not been so kind. One fired me for using the "wrong" restroom even though I was their best tech, which taught me my job performance meant nothing to some jobs. TxDOT told me I could resign, or be fired for Sexual Harassment, which taught me that I could be discriminated against. To try and keep this from being an issue at AwesomeJob, I actually walk across two buildings to use the one pivate stall that's open only during business hours.
All this has kind of piled up on me, making this phobia that I'm CONSTANTLY at risk of losing my job, no matter how good I am, no matter how well you perform. And it's really put a stressor on me because this is a job I want to keep. I'm super hard on myself, because if I'm not, I'll lose a dream job at a dream company. Ever little error sticks out like a sore thumb - missing a required script, customers getting into wierd off-subject areas, am I negotiating enough with customers without being argumentative? Every one of those is a question mark over wether I'll be here tomorrow.
It's an AwesomeJob as the name implies. We're here for the holiday season. Some might stay on later. Fewer will become permanent. I'm aiming for the top. And I won't know until it's too late that I've failed. I have the skills to do it - I just have to be as perfect as I can be to get it.
And THAT'S why I'm so worried about my performance this time around....
(As an aside, my tarot cards say I'm needlessly worrying, although be careful of personal conflicts which may be coming up)
