One of the reasons I agonize over decisions, and waffle back and forth, is I have a history of seriously bad decision making. So much so, that I often try very hard NOT to make decisions and let the winds of fate decide where I'm going.
But sometimes I have to make decisions. And some times I have to make a LOT of decisions. I hate doing that, knowing that most of my decisions turn out for the worst. So I think, double think, triple think. And I rty to figure out the most disastrous thing that could happen, and weigh out just how bad things could go.
This can lead to a lot of internal debating back and forth, and flipping back and forth about what I want to do with certain decisions, and how to move on from there. Sometimes, I just have to say "screw it" and go for one decision...but that's how I got into this whole Seattle mess to begin with. Sometimes I'm just paralyzed by the sheer number of possible disasters in front of me.
There is no reward without risk, and this year's No Freeway trip proved that (I had no idea we were going into Irish Canyon...I'm glad we did). But sometimes, the risks you calculate for aren't the risks you get, and sometimes those risks can lead to personal ruin. A risk I took to live in move to Vancouver with my Fiancee has led to me being stuck in Seattle for five years, a drained bank account, and a very-ex-Fiancee.
I have four possibilities open to me:
1) Remain is Washington:
1a) With a fulltime job
1b) Waiting to hear about a full time job
2) Move back to Texas
3) A very very very remote possibility of moving to the UK for a dream opportunity.
#3 - Let's start here. There's a constest where the BBC (through a third party) is accepting contributions for a transgendered theme comedy show. This is what Closetspace was originally dreamed up and designed for in the 90s. This could be CSes first big break in the field I originally wanted to go into. But if it wins, there's a rather large drawback. The entrants must either live in the UK, or move to the UK for two years. And given that this pilot has been massaged and revised and edited since 1994, and a moderate success online...it could win.
I'm already missing home pretty fierce as is. Another two years in an even MORE Not-Home atmosphere is very daunting. Also, I haven't been able to get clarification if the two-years will be "helped" to happen by the Beeb, or if it's on my own. If it's on my own, and knowing the hell I went through trying to figure out Canadian immigration policy, I can't just move there for two years, without work, and that requires work visas, and a huge commitment on a very short notice (May). On top of that, I'm diabetic. Canada's "chronic disease" policy shut me out of residency there. Should the UK have the same issues, a move to the UK may simply not be possible, in which case I've wasted everyone's time.
But this is an opportunity I've been waiting for since 1994. And one I want very much, even if Carrie is suddenly British and the Republic of Texas's Patricia Freeman becomes a Time Lord. Maybe instead of Suzanne vega as an inspiration, it could be Kevin Shields. Lots to think on there...
But that whole shebang? That'll be a ball up in the air.
#1 really all depends on a or b. I've put in for a position at The Big N. I've decided on a plan for this, since they move glacially on issues like this...
#1B: Should I get an interview or even a "We're still considering you" by March 7th, I'll stay with my current roomies wherever they end up for one month more. I want to give The Big N as much time as possible, just in case...
#1A: It happens. I get hired on (or told I'll be hired on) before March 7th. I find an apartment REALLY quickly, and make plans for staying here permanently.
With either 1A or 1B, I end up staying in Washington. I have to be honest, I don't really like it much here in Seattle, and recently had all that reaffirmed in my most recent trip back downtown...but rural Washington has always called to me and felt more like home, particularly Snoqualimie. This will result in a massive amount of homesickness for Texas, tempered by the fact that I have awesome friends here, and a good job. Future worries involve find a way to take care of my parents as they get older from out here, working my way out of the financial slump I'm in and finally getting surgery...some day.
So those are few more balls in the air.
#2, the move back to Texas. The last four years has been gearing up for this. We knew it was coming, I made the decision to move way back in 2011 when we got the house. I miss home terribly, and have been wanting to go back since the Speakeasy job went away. Only NOA, and the small (but powerful) has kept me here. I've always viewed the move back as a failure, although recently I've begun viewing it as a "reset." But I'd be losing the best job I've ever had, and missing some of the friends and family I've made here. The area, for all it's liberalness, is not nearly as accepting of transfolk as Seattle has been, even if it's much more than the rest of Texas. On the upside, Texas is home. The Hill country's my cradle. I have land there I'd like to live on one day. I want to go back, failure or not.
Another ball in the air.
There's a reason I really want to title my book "The Latest in a Long String of Bad Decisions." I feel kind of paralyzed by the sheer amount of choices and decisions in front of me. And horrified knowing that I make poor choices in life. Every chance I see in front of me has a follow up that could go EXTREMELY wrong. I don't want to be trapped for another five years thinking "I shoulda done X" or "I shoudln't have done Y." I want to know "I made the right decision, and the right time, and it was a good thing." Not "I made a wrong decision, at the wrong time, and mucked it up for everyone involved."
When it hits the fan, I really just want to be able to say "It was still the best choice possible."
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