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dolariWell, I figured out why I have the blues.
It's that test I'm taking tomorrow. Not the test itself. But having to go out in public as a female again.
Don't get me wrong - I love being female, and it's wonderful to be who you are, instead of wearing the chromosome mask you're given. But everytime I go out for a job interview...or...hell...anywhere, I get laughed at. I get pointed at. I become the evening's entertainment. I hate that.
To make it worse, I've been off my hormones for over a year, an my body has virtually reverted back to its male shape. On the hormones, I'd at least get pegged as a female ocasionally, I even had a waist...not to mention a very nice bust. But now, you see me and I'm a Man in a Dress.
Not only that, but in all the interviews I've had in the last few months, I get REALLY REALLY tired of knowing seconds into the interview that I'm not getting the job because I'm ugly. The only reason I got the Kinko's job was because EVERYONE at Kinko's knew me already. At Dell, I never interviewed in person - it was all over the phone and a VERY quick interview in a dark room.
It's a bad Catch-22 (what the hell does Catch 22 have to do with having a Catch 22?). I need a job to get back on my medication. I can't get a job because without my medication, I don't look female.
Freaks have to eat too.
I'm pretty much at my wits end on the employment situation. My nanny job is over. Erin can pretty much handle the housework now, and I'm being paid to be a fifth wheel.
I'm seriously considering giving up on being female. I mean, what's the use of being female when you can't make enough money to take care of yourself? Being male, I could easily get any job I wanted without fear of being a freak. I would be unhappy, but I would have resources again.
So do I go male and get that lucrative job offer from MegaCorp, LTD? Or do I go female, and hope that the Whataburger manager doesn't laugh in my face at my interview?
Meh.
From a webforum I frequent:
Same thing happened to me. My foray into Wicca fizzled out really quickly...mainly because I felt ridiculous doing some of the rituals...I couldn't get into the mindset at all (I have SERIOUS suspension of disblief problems...when I see a movie, I see a movie, I don't "experience" the story) and (2) I realized I was simply transposing the Fire and Brimstone version of the Christian God on TWO new gods.
The rituals and versions of gods I was working on actually threw me out of Wicca. However, I put down Bonewits' book with the idea of "Whatever works for you." I made something that works, VERY loosely based on what I read in that book and a few others, and I'm all better now. :)
It's that test I'm taking tomorrow. Not the test itself. But having to go out in public as a female again.
Don't get me wrong - I love being female, and it's wonderful to be who you are, instead of wearing the chromosome mask you're given. But everytime I go out for a job interview...or...hell...anywhere, I get laughed at. I get pointed at. I become the evening's entertainment. I hate that.
To make it worse, I've been off my hormones for over a year, an my body has virtually reverted back to its male shape. On the hormones, I'd at least get pegged as a female ocasionally, I even had a waist...not to mention a very nice bust. But now, you see me and I'm a Man in a Dress.
Not only that, but in all the interviews I've had in the last few months, I get REALLY REALLY tired of knowing seconds into the interview that I'm not getting the job because I'm ugly. The only reason I got the Kinko's job was because EVERYONE at Kinko's knew me already. At Dell, I never interviewed in person - it was all over the phone and a VERY quick interview in a dark room.
It's a bad Catch-22 (what the hell does Catch 22 have to do with having a Catch 22?). I need a job to get back on my medication. I can't get a job because without my medication, I don't look female.
Freaks have to eat too.
I'm pretty much at my wits end on the employment situation. My nanny job is over. Erin can pretty much handle the housework now, and I'm being paid to be a fifth wheel.
I'm seriously considering giving up on being female. I mean, what's the use of being female when you can't make enough money to take care of yourself? Being male, I could easily get any job I wanted without fear of being a freak. I would be unhappy, but I would have resources again.
So do I go male and get that lucrative job offer from MegaCorp, LTD? Or do I go female, and hope that the Whataburger manager doesn't laugh in my face at my interview?
Meh.
From a webforum I frequent:
But as cool as it would be to have some sort of real power, as much fun as I think it would be to use a light-up toy lightsaber... or, ooh! How about a laser pointer... as a magic wand, nothing... ever seems to happen... when I try to make it happen. And it would appear that knowing that chants and prayers and rituals are designed to get me into the mentality to believe in something strongly enough to make it happen... sort of prevents me from believing it will happen at all.
Same thing happened to me. My foray into Wicca fizzled out really quickly...mainly because I felt ridiculous doing some of the rituals...I couldn't get into the mindset at all (I have SERIOUS suspension of disblief problems...when I see a movie, I see a movie, I don't "experience" the story) and (2) I realized I was simply transposing the Fire and Brimstone version of the Christian God on TWO new gods.
The rituals and versions of gods I was working on actually threw me out of Wicca. However, I put down Bonewits' book with the idea of "Whatever works for you." I made something that works, VERY loosely based on what I read in that book and a few others, and I'm all better now. :)
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no subject
Date: 2002-09-12 11:21 pm (UTC)I wish I could help /_\
no subject
Date: 2002-09-12 11:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-09-13 01:03 am (UTC)That said... Perhaps going male might be a good temporary measure. The economy SUCKS right now, it's not like they're hiring anyone and everyone like they used to. So perhaps going male for a year before going back might work. Yeah, it'll hurt, but it's life ya know? I need a fucking miracle if i'm going to stay in the US... I'm more than likely going to have to go back to Australia for a year, and that's going to hurt like hell... But it's life. I'll manage. Perhaps try this interview and if it doesn't work, go back to applying as your male persona. I know it sucks, believe me, i know i know... But until the economy improves it might be your only chance.
But still i'm wishing you the best of luck tomorrow :-) I wish you truly all the best.
no subject
Date: 2002-09-13 02:34 am (UTC)I think... if you truly think going as male would get you a good-paying gig...and you did so, got the job...then squirreled AS much as you could away...might it make going as male for a bit bearable? As you watched your savings account qui ckly fill? You'd be doing it not to 'give in', but as a mission, as it were. You might in a relatively short period of time....(that being subjective, I know)...have the funds to start back on the hormones, then kind of segue out of that job....and re-em e rge as much more female...in time for the next job...with the funds for the surgical part of the TS process...
The irony being that returning briefly to that 'you' that you do not want to be...might be what ultimately gets you to where you do want to be.
Just my 2 pennies worth for this early morning....
no subject
Date: 2002-09-13 04:50 pm (UTC)you mentioned it was something like $12 a month? what other bills are there?
*hugs you* i have faith in you :3 its gonna take time, but...life sucks. sometimes there is nothing we can do about it--but sometimes there *is* something we can do about it.
i feel bad agreeing. but it seems to me like you need the hormones to eventually be sucessful...and to get them, you need money. if you think its possible you will be able to save money enough to get the hormones for an extended amount of time, then go for it. just enough time to get back on hormones, build a more female look, and then persue a better job when the hormones make it pretty clear who you are. ^_^