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dolariRight now my brain and I are at war, and no amount of Cinnamon Chocolate Milk seems to be calming it down this time. I've annoyed several people today, which started the avalanche of hurtful words and phrases hurled at me from the deepest darkness of my subconscious. Words I usually deal with, but today they're actually affecting me in the "real world."
Needless to say, my mood is on a vortex straight into the pits of hell...so...considering I've done nothing today BUT argue with myself, and since this journal is already dour enough as it is...I give you an interesting history lesson of Jennifer Dolari, Ms.
I wasn't always Jennifer Christine Dolari. I used to have another name. And no amount of torture will ever get me to tell you what that name was. However, I've spent the last decade or so with the name Jennifer, and as far as I can tell, I'm a "Jenn." I fit the name, it fits me.
However, I wonder how I would have been if I'd have picked a different name. The short list had Maria and Dana on them, as well as Laura.
Some of the more serious contenders on my list at the time were:
Elizabeth - An Elizabeth I knew at the time came across to me as a very no nonsense, take charge kind of woman. Which was me. Always brave enough to get herself into trouble, and the smarts to possibly get herself out of trouble. Elizabeth to me suggested poise, breeding alongside power and strength.
Marlene - Marlene came from a television show I was really enjoyed as a kid. This Marlene was under constant duress, but managed to use it to help out the people around her. She was a blank slate, and amnesiac, not sure of who or what she was...but did her best to use what she had to help out those around her.
Jacqueline - Based on a story I read in a middle school ghost book. Jacqueline was half driven, half forced to become a different person. She viewed her own transformation as something she knew she needed to do, but also as something that outside forces were forcing her to become.
At the time of the Name Crisis, I was all three of those. The take charge Elizabeth, hiding the scared Marlene, pushed forward by the driven Jacqueline.
For the longest time, it was Marlene. I even began signing my name as Marlene. And then, that's when it hit me.
For years I wrote stories. And a few years earlier, I wrote a story where the main character was named Jennifer. I began to realize, months after working on the story, that I was putting this poor soul into the very same predicament I was going through at the time. All the self doubts about who I was versus who my parents wanted me to be. Defining myself for myself. I wrote her story to the end she had in store for me...and it was beautiful. It had almost no relation to any kind of solution I could create in my own life, but the sheer bravery and courage at her story's climax was astounding. At that time, I took on her name. For good. She was Elizabeth, Jacqueline and Marlene all rolled into one and COMPLETE. I was fifteen.
And that's who I am today. My solution was much more subtle, and very confusing. But I've been a Jennifer for over a decade now...and I like who I am. :)
Where did Christine come from? Why, Christine McGlade of You Can't Do That on Television, of course!
Needless to say, my mood is on a vortex straight into the pits of hell...so...considering I've done nothing today BUT argue with myself, and since this journal is already dour enough as it is...I give you an interesting history lesson of Jennifer Dolari, Ms.
I wasn't always Jennifer Christine Dolari. I used to have another name. And no amount of torture will ever get me to tell you what that name was. However, I've spent the last decade or so with the name Jennifer, and as far as I can tell, I'm a "Jenn." I fit the name, it fits me.
However, I wonder how I would have been if I'd have picked a different name. The short list had Maria and Dana on them, as well as Laura.
Some of the more serious contenders on my list at the time were:
Elizabeth - An Elizabeth I knew at the time came across to me as a very no nonsense, take charge kind of woman. Which was me. Always brave enough to get herself into trouble, and the smarts to possibly get herself out of trouble. Elizabeth to me suggested poise, breeding alongside power and strength.
Marlene - Marlene came from a television show I was really enjoyed as a kid. This Marlene was under constant duress, but managed to use it to help out the people around her. She was a blank slate, and amnesiac, not sure of who or what she was...but did her best to use what she had to help out those around her.
Jacqueline - Based on a story I read in a middle school ghost book. Jacqueline was half driven, half forced to become a different person. She viewed her own transformation as something she knew she needed to do, but also as something that outside forces were forcing her to become.
At the time of the Name Crisis, I was all three of those. The take charge Elizabeth, hiding the scared Marlene, pushed forward by the driven Jacqueline.
For the longest time, it was Marlene. I even began signing my name as Marlene. And then, that's when it hit me.
For years I wrote stories. And a few years earlier, I wrote a story where the main character was named Jennifer. I began to realize, months after working on the story, that I was putting this poor soul into the very same predicament I was going through at the time. All the self doubts about who I was versus who my parents wanted me to be. Defining myself for myself. I wrote her story to the end she had in store for me...and it was beautiful. It had almost no relation to any kind of solution I could create in my own life, but the sheer bravery and courage at her story's climax was astounding. At that time, I took on her name. For good. She was Elizabeth, Jacqueline and Marlene all rolled into one and COMPLETE. I was fifteen.
And that's who I am today. My solution was much more subtle, and very confusing. But I've been a Jennifer for over a decade now...and I like who I am. :)
Where did Christine come from? Why, Christine McGlade of You Can't Do That on Television, of course!
