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dolariFor the last few days, I've had something eating at the back of my head. It's been bothering me for a while now, and I think it's time I aired it out. Usually writing in a journal about these things helps me decde what I want to do with my thoughts or aim for certain actions.
I know quite a few TS types. Several of them I consider very close friends. Of those close friends, four of them have had their surgery.
Back when I was about 15, I made this grand plan. Wasn't really one of those "I'm gonna get a job, then rule everything!" kinda plans, but an honest to goodness, sit down and plan your life out kinda plan. In that plan I was going to get a job at 17, move out at 18, start hormones at 19, and get my surgery at 21. Unfortunately, around age 16, my parents found out about me, and my plan got seriously sidetracked. I didn't even move out of my house until I was 21, and the therapy I'd gone through consisted of being shuffled from Doctor to Doctor before any real diagnosis could be made.
About 1995/96, my life plan had been ruined, and we had one suicide attempt that would have gone right had I bought the right shells. If you're morbidly curious, I told that story HERE.
It was then I met Dean, who has been the stabilizing factor in my life. I didn't even get back on my plan until 1998, when I finally went to a therapist who specialized in TG work. I was some six years late. Hormones started in 2000...and then stopped a year later, and I'm back on them again in 2003. Now I'm ten years late. My life plan is very late, but I've done most everything I planned for. Closetspace is being published, as is AWFW (albeit selfpublished), I've seen the US, I've worked for and been recognized by major corporations (Well, for the time being), I've fallen in love (although that's gone kaput)....
...and I look at my friends, and they've had their surgeries.
The last few days, I've been seriously considering having my surgery next year. By hook or crook. I've finally paid off most of my debts (New computer, truck repaired, Medical bills are finally under control, one HUGE bill I want to take care of while Dell still pays me). I've been mulling it over for a while, trying to think things through. Trying to imagine a life past 2004 without the surgery and I honestly can't. When I think of Age 30, I think WOMAN OR NOTHING.
I realize if I decide This is It, I've got a LOT of planning to do, mostly just getting a reliable source of income that isn't going away in several weeks. Not to mention wondeing if Dean can handle another year of me. And learning the Thai language, setting up appointments, forging....er...getting psych papers. It's gonna be a lot of work...but I think it's time I set down a plan, and stick with it.
Cause I honestly don't think I'll hit Year 30, Day 2 without it. My mind looks at that day as "If you don't do it by then, it's not getting done ever." And that's not something I can live with.
I know quite a few TS types. Several of them I consider very close friends. Of those close friends, four of them have had their surgery.
Back when I was about 15, I made this grand plan. Wasn't really one of those "I'm gonna get a job, then rule everything!" kinda plans, but an honest to goodness, sit down and plan your life out kinda plan. In that plan I was going to get a job at 17, move out at 18, start hormones at 19, and get my surgery at 21. Unfortunately, around age 16, my parents found out about me, and my plan got seriously sidetracked. I didn't even move out of my house until I was 21, and the therapy I'd gone through consisted of being shuffled from Doctor to Doctor before any real diagnosis could be made.
About 1995/96, my life plan had been ruined, and we had one suicide attempt that would have gone right had I bought the right shells. If you're morbidly curious, I told that story HERE.
It was then I met Dean, who has been the stabilizing factor in my life. I didn't even get back on my plan until 1998, when I finally went to a therapist who specialized in TG work. I was some six years late. Hormones started in 2000...and then stopped a year later, and I'm back on them again in 2003. Now I'm ten years late. My life plan is very late, but I've done most everything I planned for. Closetspace is being published, as is AWFW (albeit selfpublished), I've seen the US, I've worked for and been recognized by major corporations (Well, for the time being), I've fallen in love (although that's gone kaput)....
...and I look at my friends, and they've had their surgeries.
The last few days, I've been seriously considering having my surgery next year. By hook or crook. I've finally paid off most of my debts (New computer, truck repaired, Medical bills are finally under control, one HUGE bill I want to take care of while Dell still pays me). I've been mulling it over for a while, trying to think things through. Trying to imagine a life past 2004 without the surgery and I honestly can't. When I think of Age 30, I think WOMAN OR NOTHING.
I realize if I decide This is It, I've got a LOT of planning to do, mostly just getting a reliable source of income that isn't going away in several weeks. Not to mention wondeing if Dean can handle another year of me. And learning the Thai language, setting up appointments, forging....er...getting psych papers. It's gonna be a lot of work...but I think it's time I set down a plan, and stick with it.
Cause I honestly don't think I'll hit Year 30, Day 2 without it. My mind looks at that day as "If you don't do it by then, it's not getting done ever." And that's not something I can live with.
