Growing up Trans: Preschool to 5th Grade
Oct. 15th, 2011 03:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariI began my school career in Pre-Kinder with Mrs. Brodie. I was surrounded on all sides by kids who weren't my family, and I was eager to make new friends. I was an equal opportunity friend maker, making friends with boys and girls. I remember distinctly wanting to be friends with girls, but at that age most wanted nothing to do with me.
There was a girl who lived down the street from me, and we had the same pre-kinder class together. I don't remember her name now (I want to say Sandy, but I don't think that was it), and I really wanted to get to know her as potential playmate. She wanted nothing to do with me. In fact, she went out of her way to get me in trouble with Mrs Brodie.
For a while, it worked. The sweet little angel wasn't guilty of anything, and I was just bursting out laughing and yelling because I was being disruptive. It wasn't until a few weeks later she caught the girl tickling me when I was working then stopping as soon as Mrs. Brodie turned around.
She seperated us, and life went on as normal for a bit. We he had new neighbors who'd moved to the north of us, and they had a girl who was in fifth grade. I made fast friends with her, but very quickly, we lost the house and had to move in with my grandmother for a few weeks, and even made a move to Houston for another couple of weeks.
We eventually found our way back to San Antonio for Kindergarten. Moving temporarily into an apartment until we found better lodgings. Having just lost all of my friends with the house, then the few friends I'd made in Houston, I was itching to find more playmates to be with.
I met a a Chinese girl who lived up the ways from our apartment (I want to say her name was Soo Yi, but I think I'm misremembering). She was my age, and we became good friends. She was very sweet to me, and never excluded me from games she and her girlfriends would play. Even when the other girls told me I couldn't, she'd argue to let me play with them.
I remember pretty vividly her inviting me into her house, where we played with dolls for what felt like hours. I don't remember being as happy as I was just playing dolls with this girl, who let me into her world to play for a few weeks. I didn't know this was out of the ordinary for boys, and it felt perfectly normal to me, but I would soon find out that this was very much the exception to the rule.
At the end of our lease, we made another move, this one more permanent, several miles down the road, but far enough that, again, I'd lost all my friends, and moved to a new school. We stayed here for three years, which at least allowed me some time to make a few good friends (several of which I still have thirty years later), and to finally "integrate" with the people around me. It was then I realized something was wrong.
This time, there were no helpful girls willing to play with me. I couldn't understand why I was being ostracized, and why suddenly I had a bad case of the horrifying communicable plague of elementary school: Cooties. Making friends with boys didn't seem to be a problem (and I played with them often), but I'd always be looking over my shoulder to the girls, and wondering why they didn't want me around. My male friends also seemed to be frightened of the cooties epidemic and stayed very far away from girls.
We got cable in 1982, and I quickly became a fan of "You Can't do That On Television." And it took a quick conversation with my mother to determine what the problem was. Christine McGlade was abot to get slimed, and I noticed, specifically, she was wearing tights under a knee-length skirt. For some reason, I liked that and asked my mom if she'd buy me clothes like hers. She misheard me and said she'd think about it, but that I didn't look good in the colors Allisdair McGillis (who was Christie's partner in comedy in this sketch) was wearing. I corrected her - I wanted clothes like Christine. Matter of factly she said, "You can't wear clothes like that. You're a boy."
That little moment made it into the comics.
And that's when it clicked. Girls and boys were different things. The "something was wrong" feeling was that I was a boy and they were girls. Okay - got it. Now I know why girls don't like me, and why I felt wierd now that they were away. They had cooties, and therefore I wasn't supposed to like them. I began hanging out with the boys, and made some good friends (several have survived right through the transition).
I still wanted that female friendship, though, and occasionally, when I thought the girl was receptive I tried to make friends. Often I found they weren't just disinterested, but outright hostile. I tried to be friends with two girls, Maruerite and Margo, who made my life a living hell afterwards during first grade. There was Kelly and Karen, who were twins. They tolerated me, but made it known I wasn't their friend. Danielle who started out as a friend, which quickly devolved into "You're an icky boy."
There were a few, though - I remember a Kelley (not one of the twins) who let me hang out with her. At this point we were all older - probably third grade or so, so it was less playing with dolls, and more finding things in common to talk about.
By fourth grade, I was doing okay. I was friendly, had lots of guys to pal around with, girls were still on my radar, but slowly drifting away. I'd even joined the Boy Scouts (lasted all of a year).
In 1984, the disaster that had taken our house in 1979 had passed, and we looked for a new house. We moved to a new place that summer, and started the new year in a new school, and new friends. I knew what was wrong with me, and it wasn't wrong at all! This is going to be a great new place!
And that's when everything went sideways.
There was a girl who lived down the street from me, and we had the same pre-kinder class together. I don't remember her name now (I want to say Sandy, but I don't think that was it), and I really wanted to get to know her as potential playmate. She wanted nothing to do with me. In fact, she went out of her way to get me in trouble with Mrs Brodie.
For a while, it worked. The sweet little angel wasn't guilty of anything, and I was just bursting out laughing and yelling because I was being disruptive. It wasn't until a few weeks later she caught the girl tickling me when I was working then stopping as soon as Mrs. Brodie turned around.
She seperated us, and life went on as normal for a bit. We he had new neighbors who'd moved to the north of us, and they had a girl who was in fifth grade. I made fast friends with her, but very quickly, we lost the house and had to move in with my grandmother for a few weeks, and even made a move to Houston for another couple of weeks.
We eventually found our way back to San Antonio for Kindergarten. Moving temporarily into an apartment until we found better lodgings. Having just lost all of my friends with the house, then the few friends I'd made in Houston, I was itching to find more playmates to be with.
I met a a Chinese girl who lived up the ways from our apartment (I want to say her name was Soo Yi, but I think I'm misremembering). She was my age, and we became good friends. She was very sweet to me, and never excluded me from games she and her girlfriends would play. Even when the other girls told me I couldn't, she'd argue to let me play with them.
I remember pretty vividly her inviting me into her house, where we played with dolls for what felt like hours. I don't remember being as happy as I was just playing dolls with this girl, who let me into her world to play for a few weeks. I didn't know this was out of the ordinary for boys, and it felt perfectly normal to me, but I would soon find out that this was very much the exception to the rule.
At the end of our lease, we made another move, this one more permanent, several miles down the road, but far enough that, again, I'd lost all my friends, and moved to a new school. We stayed here for three years, which at least allowed me some time to make a few good friends (several of which I still have thirty years later), and to finally "integrate" with the people around me. It was then I realized something was wrong.
This time, there were no helpful girls willing to play with me. I couldn't understand why I was being ostracized, and why suddenly I had a bad case of the horrifying communicable plague of elementary school: Cooties. Making friends with boys didn't seem to be a problem (and I played with them often), but I'd always be looking over my shoulder to the girls, and wondering why they didn't want me around. My male friends also seemed to be frightened of the cooties epidemic and stayed very far away from girls.
We got cable in 1982, and I quickly became a fan of "You Can't do That On Television." And it took a quick conversation with my mother to determine what the problem was. Christine McGlade was abot to get slimed, and I noticed, specifically, she was wearing tights under a knee-length skirt. For some reason, I liked that and asked my mom if she'd buy me clothes like hers. She misheard me and said she'd think about it, but that I didn't look good in the colors Allisdair McGillis (who was Christie's partner in comedy in this sketch) was wearing. I corrected her - I wanted clothes like Christine. Matter of factly she said, "You can't wear clothes like that. You're a boy."
That little moment made it into the comics.
And that's when it clicked. Girls and boys were different things. The "something was wrong" feeling was that I was a boy and they were girls. Okay - got it. Now I know why girls don't like me, and why I felt wierd now that they were away. They had cooties, and therefore I wasn't supposed to like them. I began hanging out with the boys, and made some good friends (several have survived right through the transition).
I still wanted that female friendship, though, and occasionally, when I thought the girl was receptive I tried to make friends. Often I found they weren't just disinterested, but outright hostile. I tried to be friends with two girls, Maruerite and Margo, who made my life a living hell afterwards during first grade. There was Kelly and Karen, who were twins. They tolerated me, but made it known I wasn't their friend. Danielle who started out as a friend, which quickly devolved into "You're an icky boy."
There were a few, though - I remember a Kelley (not one of the twins) who let me hang out with her. At this point we were all older - probably third grade or so, so it was less playing with dolls, and more finding things in common to talk about.
By fourth grade, I was doing okay. I was friendly, had lots of guys to pal around with, girls were still on my radar, but slowly drifting away. I'd even joined the Boy Scouts (lasted all of a year).
In 1984, the disaster that had taken our house in 1979 had passed, and we looked for a new house. We moved to a new place that summer, and started the new year in a new school, and new friends. I knew what was wrong with me, and it wasn't wrong at all! This is going to be a great new place!
And that's when everything went sideways.
