Growing up Trans - Life with Geri
Oct. 18th, 2011 03:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariGrowing up Trans - Life with Geri
Growing Up Trans Chapters:
Preschool - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2238402.html
Elementary School - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2238626.html
The Nightmare of Fifth Grade (NSFW, and a bit TMI) - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2238939.html
Middle School - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2239155.html
High school - Year 1 & 2 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2239578.html
High school - Year 3 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2240215.html
High school - Year 4 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2241302.html
Opening up to a Whole New World - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2242118.html
The Boulton and Park Society - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2243005.html
The Birth of Jenn Dolari - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2243105.html
DISCLAIMER: If there's anything I've learned from this retrospective, it's that people change. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. The actions described here, including my own, are of people who lived in the early 90s. These are not the same people who exist twenty years later.
Most of what happened after the click was a blur. I remember spending a long time in the back of that pickup trying to decide where to go and what to do from here. My brain felt like it had been bleached clean from the shock of nothing happening, and I wasn't thinking clearly. After a while, the only thought in my head was "Home."
So I went home and collapsed into bed. I was woken up a few hours late by a distraught mother who wanted to know why the shotgun was sitting in the behind the seat. In all the confusion and blurry-headedness and shock, I'd just been more interested in getting back home to bed than anything hiding what was going on.
I still wasn't thinking straight So I told her what I'd done. I explained to her everything why I did it, what I was feeling. Her reaction is what you'd expect from a mom who just learned her son has just tried to swallow a gun. But, and this was very telling, her reaction wasn't "why are you doing this," but "do you know how this will make me look?" I wasn't the one who needed help, I was the one who almost made her life a mess. And to be fair, I did - but I was in trouble here, and I wasn't getting any better stuck in the house.
Oddly, she sent me on an errand to drop lunch off with my dad. So I did. As far as I know, mom didn't tell him anything, as he just gave me a hug, grabbed his lunch, and drove off to pick up a load from Houston.
I wasn't getting better stuck in the house. I was out of the house delivering food after a suicide attempt. I'd delivered it. And I didn't go back.
As I'd mentioned before, JD was a survivor. She and her mother Geri had escaped an abusive situation and lived a comfortable if cash-strapped life. They also knew what kind of stress I was under. Geri had taken in folks who were in trouble before and told me that if I ever needed a place to stay, to stop by. Geri and I had clicked as we both enjoyed video games and were artists.
Geri's first introduction to me was a night where JD invited me over to see The Joy Luck Club. By that time, Geri was already aware I was transsexual and before the movie started, she specifically said "This is a girl's movie, and one of us doesn't seem ready. Let's dress her up!" Turns out her clothes fit me just fine, and better yet, so did her shoes, which nothing had ever fit before.
If there's anything, anything, that changes you when you switch genders, it's shoes. And lack of pockets. But shoes are a big thing. Heels, no heels, boots or skimmers, there's something about how they're constructed that forces you to stand and walk and move differently (heels, obviously). You can't clomp in them, they're not as isolating from the ground, and boy postures and body language just feel wierd to do in them. It really does help in passing cause it keeps you in a more feminine posture and body language - and as one of my later roomie's mentioned, much of passing as a woman is posture and body language.
It was nice to have a source of shoes that worked for me after meeting her.
There was also something else about Geri - something that I'll get into later.
Geri and JD lived very very very close to home, however, and if I did, the family would find me really quickly. JD was also a senior in highschool and had classes with my sister. If I stayed with them, JD would need to keep my location from her a secret. I didn't want to take that chance that they'd drag me back as soon as they found out where I was.
But it only took two nights of sleeping in a storm drain to figure out that this was a risk I could probably afford.
They welcomed me in with open arms, and had an extravagant family dinner of $2 Big Macs to celebrate.
My mother found me about two weeks later - as I said, I wasn't very far away. We had a little talk, where we both decided it was best that I stay away for a bit while "I got my head back on straight." I'd be welcomed back if I wanted to come back, but for now, speration was good.
For the next year or so, I flipped between living with Geri and JD in San Antonio, Amy in Austin, and the occasional week or two in a half acre my dad had long since forgotten about in rural Texas. In that half year, Geri told me stories and examples of how to live life as a "non normal" person in a "really normal" world, surviving when the chips were down, and how to make sure you got your due when no one would give it to you. And she'd had 40 some years experince at being non normal and succeeding pretty well in it.
She also told me that the best thing someone could be as a non normal person in a normal world was compassionate. It's rough out there - if you make it across the chasm on a homemade rope bridge, don't pull the bridge back up. While you're at it. Put up signs pointing to the it.
But remember that extra soething else I spoke about earlier? Well. Geri had multiple personalities. Geri was who "fronted" most of the time, and was the protector of the group, and the survivor. She was the one who taught me the most about the real world. Sarah was the fixer. Is anything broke, she worked on it till it ran again. Josie was the creator and "made nice things." She was also the main cook. Maryanne, however was the pastry cook. Between Maryanne and Josie, we ate very well.
And then there was Carole.
Carole met me long before I met her. Before I movedin, and even before I knew Geri had MPD, I'd be hanging out with JD and her boyfriend Dave, and I'd see Geri kind of lingering in hallways and rooms, or sometimes staring at me with these wide eyes. I fI noticed, she'd walk away, then come back and say hi. Once I found out she had MPD, I was introduced to Sarah and Josie pretty quickly. They told me there were more, but that the one other they wanted to meet was having second thoughts.
Again, Geri would hang back, and if I caught her looking, dissapeared.
It wasn't until just after the Joy Luck Club night that I was told about Carole. carole was a playful five year old child, who loved playing with coins and boardgames. And when Dave and JD told Geri about me being trans, that meant everyone in Geri's system knew. And Carole it seems, wanted to meet me - but she didn't want to meet...ME.
Carole didn't quite grasp what being transgendered was all about...So she translated it into terms she could understand. Carole lived inside Geri's head. Obviously, this girl everyone was talking about was in Jenn's head. She wanted to meet HER. It was Carole watching me from the shadows, hoping the girl would "pop out" so she could play with her.
So on a carefully crafted day, Carole met Jenn. And we became very good playmates. Much like the Chinese girl in my pre-school days, Carole wanted to play games and have another girl to talk to that wasn't JD - just someone to be friends with. And through Carole, I got to relive a little bit of the childhood girls have, that I'd had only brief glimpses of. It was only for a year, but it was so much more than I'd ever had before, and it was lovely.
I miss them all.
After a year, and with more and more visits to my parents, showing them I was making it on my own, I got a job throwing newspapers (the first of Geri's rules of survival: find a job, any job). I moved back home, but this time with a fierce determination that I would not stay there, despite whatever happened. I saved up some cash from the job, and got a very cheap apartment (the second of Geri's rules of survival: find a place, any place), and for $300 a month I had a tiny apartment with the Sci Fi Channel, which is all I needed at the time.
My mother wasn't pleased I'd moved out. But I was. I had my own place, where I could explore, be myself, and begin branching out. Jenn on the internet was becoming a mild celebrity (A GIRL WHO GAMES AND IS GOOD AT IT?!?! MARRY ME!), and eventually proclaimed Queen of Usenet by, well, at least one newsgroup.
Things we're looking up, and I was doing Geri proud.
Growing Up Trans Chapters:
Preschool - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2238402.html
Elementary School - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2238626.html
The Nightmare of Fifth Grade (NSFW, and a bit TMI) - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2238939.html
Middle School - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2239155.html
High school - Year 1 & 2 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2239578.html
High school - Year 3 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2240215.html
High school - Year 4 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2241302.html
Opening up to a Whole New World - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2242118.html
The Boulton and Park Society - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2243005.html
The Birth of Jenn Dolari - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2243105.html
DISCLAIMER: If there's anything I've learned from this retrospective, it's that people change. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. The actions described here, including my own, are of people who lived in the early 90s. These are not the same people who exist twenty years later.
Most of what happened after the click was a blur. I remember spending a long time in the back of that pickup trying to decide where to go and what to do from here. My brain felt like it had been bleached clean from the shock of nothing happening, and I wasn't thinking clearly. After a while, the only thought in my head was "Home."
So I went home and collapsed into bed. I was woken up a few hours late by a distraught mother who wanted to know why the shotgun was sitting in the behind the seat. In all the confusion and blurry-headedness and shock, I'd just been more interested in getting back home to bed than anything hiding what was going on.
I still wasn't thinking straight So I told her what I'd done. I explained to her everything why I did it, what I was feeling. Her reaction is what you'd expect from a mom who just learned her son has just tried to swallow a gun. But, and this was very telling, her reaction wasn't "why are you doing this," but "do you know how this will make me look?" I wasn't the one who needed help, I was the one who almost made her life a mess. And to be fair, I did - but I was in trouble here, and I wasn't getting any better stuck in the house.
Oddly, she sent me on an errand to drop lunch off with my dad. So I did. As far as I know, mom didn't tell him anything, as he just gave me a hug, grabbed his lunch, and drove off to pick up a load from Houston.
I wasn't getting better stuck in the house. I was out of the house delivering food after a suicide attempt. I'd delivered it. And I didn't go back.
As I'd mentioned before, JD was a survivor. She and her mother Geri had escaped an abusive situation and lived a comfortable if cash-strapped life. They also knew what kind of stress I was under. Geri had taken in folks who were in trouble before and told me that if I ever needed a place to stay, to stop by. Geri and I had clicked as we both enjoyed video games and were artists.
Geri's first introduction to me was a night where JD invited me over to see The Joy Luck Club. By that time, Geri was already aware I was transsexual and before the movie started, she specifically said "This is a girl's movie, and one of us doesn't seem ready. Let's dress her up!" Turns out her clothes fit me just fine, and better yet, so did her shoes, which nothing had ever fit before.
If there's anything, anything, that changes you when you switch genders, it's shoes. And lack of pockets. But shoes are a big thing. Heels, no heels, boots or skimmers, there's something about how they're constructed that forces you to stand and walk and move differently (heels, obviously). You can't clomp in them, they're not as isolating from the ground, and boy postures and body language just feel wierd to do in them. It really does help in passing cause it keeps you in a more feminine posture and body language - and as one of my later roomie's mentioned, much of passing as a woman is posture and body language.
It was nice to have a source of shoes that worked for me after meeting her.
There was also something else about Geri - something that I'll get into later.
Geri and JD lived very very very close to home, however, and if I did, the family would find me really quickly. JD was also a senior in highschool and had classes with my sister. If I stayed with them, JD would need to keep my location from her a secret. I didn't want to take that chance that they'd drag me back as soon as they found out where I was.
But it only took two nights of sleeping in a storm drain to figure out that this was a risk I could probably afford.
They welcomed me in with open arms, and had an extravagant family dinner of $2 Big Macs to celebrate.
My mother found me about two weeks later - as I said, I wasn't very far away. We had a little talk, where we both decided it was best that I stay away for a bit while "I got my head back on straight." I'd be welcomed back if I wanted to come back, but for now, speration was good.
For the next year or so, I flipped between living with Geri and JD in San Antonio, Amy in Austin, and the occasional week or two in a half acre my dad had long since forgotten about in rural Texas. In that half year, Geri told me stories and examples of how to live life as a "non normal" person in a "really normal" world, surviving when the chips were down, and how to make sure you got your due when no one would give it to you. And she'd had 40 some years experince at being non normal and succeeding pretty well in it.
She also told me that the best thing someone could be as a non normal person in a normal world was compassionate. It's rough out there - if you make it across the chasm on a homemade rope bridge, don't pull the bridge back up. While you're at it. Put up signs pointing to the it.
But remember that extra soething else I spoke about earlier? Well. Geri had multiple personalities. Geri was who "fronted" most of the time, and was the protector of the group, and the survivor. She was the one who taught me the most about the real world. Sarah was the fixer. Is anything broke, she worked on it till it ran again. Josie was the creator and "made nice things." She was also the main cook. Maryanne, however was the pastry cook. Between Maryanne and Josie, we ate very well.
And then there was Carole.
Carole met me long before I met her. Before I movedin, and even before I knew Geri had MPD, I'd be hanging out with JD and her boyfriend Dave, and I'd see Geri kind of lingering in hallways and rooms, or sometimes staring at me with these wide eyes. I fI noticed, she'd walk away, then come back and say hi. Once I found out she had MPD, I was introduced to Sarah and Josie pretty quickly. They told me there were more, but that the one other they wanted to meet was having second thoughts.
Again, Geri would hang back, and if I caught her looking, dissapeared.
It wasn't until just after the Joy Luck Club night that I was told about Carole. carole was a playful five year old child, who loved playing with coins and boardgames. And when Dave and JD told Geri about me being trans, that meant everyone in Geri's system knew. And Carole it seems, wanted to meet me - but she didn't want to meet...ME.
Carole didn't quite grasp what being transgendered was all about...So she translated it into terms she could understand. Carole lived inside Geri's head. Obviously, this girl everyone was talking about was in Jenn's head. She wanted to meet HER. It was Carole watching me from the shadows, hoping the girl would "pop out" so she could play with her.
So on a carefully crafted day, Carole met Jenn. And we became very good playmates. Much like the Chinese girl in my pre-school days, Carole wanted to play games and have another girl to talk to that wasn't JD - just someone to be friends with. And through Carole, I got to relive a little bit of the childhood girls have, that I'd had only brief glimpses of. It was only for a year, but it was so much more than I'd ever had before, and it was lovely.
I miss them all.
After a year, and with more and more visits to my parents, showing them I was making it on my own, I got a job throwing newspapers (the first of Geri's rules of survival: find a job, any job). I moved back home, but this time with a fierce determination that I would not stay there, despite whatever happened. I saved up some cash from the job, and got a very cheap apartment (the second of Geri's rules of survival: find a place, any place), and for $300 a month I had a tiny apartment with the Sci Fi Channel, which is all I needed at the time.
My mother wasn't pleased I'd moved out. But I was. I had my own place, where I could explore, be myself, and begin branching out. Jenn on the internet was becoming a mild celebrity (A GIRL WHO GAMES AND IS GOOD AT IT?!?! MARRY ME!), and eventually proclaimed Queen of Usenet by, well, at least one newsgroup.
Things we're looking up, and I was doing Geri proud.
