(no subject)

[dolari]

Ever since I was little, I've always had a horrifying fear of the dark.

I think it comes from some of my earliest memories of being in my room, with only a small nightlight on, and seeing jumping shadow figures going from wall to wall. When I created The Shadows for AWFW, I based them on what I saw as a kid: http://www.dolari.net/awfw/5.htm .

There was another time, shortly after we moved to the apartment, where I heard a whole bunch of whispering noises and music coming from the Living Room. Looking back, there was probabyl a party going on at a neighbor's place, but it terrified me.

Growing up, I was terrified of other things in the dark. Probably not helped by reading lots of paranormal and UFO abduction stories all those years. And for a long time, that fear ran rampant no matter how safe I actually was.

I remember tucking into bed, only to flee it, and sleep with my parents. When they told me I couldn't, I'd sneak into my sisters room. Not because I felt safe around her, but because "they" would get her first if I hid myself well enough. Another time, my father and I were on an alligator hunting expedition with a bunch of drunk Teamsters late at night. I told him I was terrified of the dark, and he said "You're in the back of a pickup with twenty men with shotguns. You've never been safer."

Eventually, as I got older, I simply slept with the lights on. Good and bright. Nothing that would make any creepy shadows, or leave me in just dim light. Blackouts, thought, would freak me out, especially if they were sudden, and, of course, at night. As late as 1998, I remember fleeing my apartment for light when an electric chopper blew a fuse.

Around 2000, with the help of some friends, I had a bit of a spiritual rennaissance. While I never followed through with it, and kind of remained a passive agnostic, it did teach one major thing: "If there ARE scary things in the dark, they can only hurt you if you let them." While I hadn't seen anything SPECIFIC since I was very little, the dread was always there. Learning that whatever that WAS couldn't hurt me unless I let it, calmed me the hell down. I was finally able to sleep with the lights off, and have ever since.

But I can still get spooked. And it doesn't take too much.

I remember after 9/11, trying to sleep in the dark, and suddenly having vivid images of being in a place that crumpled when it hit. I slept with the lights on for weeks after that.

I'm actually pretty hard to scare (I can easily be startled, though, just ask my former manager and anyone who's ever seen me concentrating on something with everything I've got). Screamer videos don't get me, and I can't stand horror movies, because I find them usually written pretty badly.

But sometimes I get spooked. Wierd imagery or strange sounds JUST before bed will trigger an panic in me that steamrolls until I have to have every light on around me, and noise everywhere. Last night, I got spooked pretty bad when what was meant to be a hilarious image shocked me just before bed. I haven't slept with the lights on in a long time, but I needed to last night. It was a fitful sleep full of disturbing imagery based on the image I saw.

I guess there are just some fears that are primal, and will always be with you no matter how silly they seem in the end. Hopefully this'll pass in a few nights. I already heave enough problems sleeping as it is....

Comments

[ai-meilian.livejournal.com]

I still, on occasion, have nightmares about being abducted by aliens (or more accurately, "scanned," as I invariably wake up screaming before anything else transpires). Whenever that happens, I end up with a mostly sleepless night; every odd or out-of-place noise becomes a potential sign of danger which needs to be evaluated, and I'll often resort to turning on lights and reading until my eyes fall shut of their own accord.

So, yeah. I feel that pain and sympathise. Intensive rationalisation can help, but sometimes our personal bugaboos trigger that primal reaction too quickly for reason to intervene.