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May. 27th, 2012 12:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariWhile I was mowing the lawn, I was hoping for some nice story making, or plot twisting or something, but instead I went on a whole different tangent for two hours. And it made me think, which is always dangerous.
I've been unhappy in Seattle since I moved here back in 2008. But WHY? Things are actually pretty good now. Very good in fact...and I'm doing well. But I still want to go back. Why?
I moved here to be with Emily. I left a good job and friends and family to do it. I got a good job, got a nice apartment, and proceeded to work on getting to Canada to be closer to her.
Instead, things went badly, and quickly. The job proceeded to to become abusive and eventually we parted ways badly, the cost of living was too high and quickly eating into my savings, and despite being closer to Emily, I was lonely. All my friends and immediate family were in another state across the continent. I learned all about the Seattle Freeze and the general xenophobia of Seattleites for out-of-towners.
But I braved it for Emily. Even when the job went south, I lost the apartment and found myself over $5000 in debt. There were plans to go home in 2009, and I eventually got the money to do it...but she asked me to stay, and I did. All the while, I became more and more bitter about my experiences here.
I ended up getting a really awesome job. So awesome in fact that when Emily and I broke up, I stayed for it. In fact, I've turned down better jobs to stay there because I love it there. The friends who took me in became family. The acquaintances they had became friends. Many I consider family now. I even learned WHY the Seattle Freeze exists and why it bothered me so much, compared to the friendliness of the south. There was snow, which I adore. There was dark and rain in the winter. I loved that, too. There's a freaking mountain (two if you can see Mt Baker), and vast unexplored areas of rural Washington just as magical as the already explored areas of Texas. I have a good house, with good people, in a good area, with a good job.
"Seattle is where you became diabetic. Seattle is where you an Emily broke up. Seattle is where your truck died. Seattle is where you went into debt. Seattle is where you went into full blown depression."
But those are things that could, and possible would, happened in Texas. Or heck, Pennsylvania had I stayed there. Staying home wouldn't have fixed that. If I had stayed home, I may have had friends and family to help me through it...but I DID have friends and family help me through it here in Seattle.
Why, then, do I want to go home so badly?
I think it comes down to "mission failure" and permanence. I came here to get closer to Emily. And as of now, we haven't spoken a word to each other in nearly a year. I don't think that is going to change. That mission failed, and failed spectacularly. I made it my mission to become a permanent employee of my new job. That mission has also failed. I have a house - but it's rented. I have a job - but it's temporary. I have transportation - but it's my roomie's. I have friends and family here, but the xenophobia is still out there in public. I'm accepted as trans, but not as Texan.
While things have gone right (very right in some ways), too much has gone wrong, which is something that comes to mind when I think about staying. Good things have happened here. Good things continue to happen.
But the whole reason I'm came here is gone, and most of my time trying to acclimate to the culture and area was met by losing pretty much everything, before it got better. My roomies have said that they've tried to make me happier being in the Northwest, and they feel terrible that they can't. It certainly wasn't for lack of trying, they're family to me.
In the end, I think I want to go home, because this place is tainted with long lasting past failures. I want to go home out of bitterness. I don't really think that's a good reason. But all I can think about is I want to go home.
Deep thoughts while mowing the lawn badly.
Deep thoughts before bed.
I've been unhappy in Seattle since I moved here back in 2008. But WHY? Things are actually pretty good now. Very good in fact...and I'm doing well. But I still want to go back. Why?
I moved here to be with Emily. I left a good job and friends and family to do it. I got a good job, got a nice apartment, and proceeded to work on getting to Canada to be closer to her.
Instead, things went badly, and quickly. The job proceeded to to become abusive and eventually we parted ways badly, the cost of living was too high and quickly eating into my savings, and despite being closer to Emily, I was lonely. All my friends and immediate family were in another state across the continent. I learned all about the Seattle Freeze and the general xenophobia of Seattleites for out-of-towners.
But I braved it for Emily. Even when the job went south, I lost the apartment and found myself over $5000 in debt. There were plans to go home in 2009, and I eventually got the money to do it...but she asked me to stay, and I did. All the while, I became more and more bitter about my experiences here.
I ended up getting a really awesome job. So awesome in fact that when Emily and I broke up, I stayed for it. In fact, I've turned down better jobs to stay there because I love it there. The friends who took me in became family. The acquaintances they had became friends. Many I consider family now. I even learned WHY the Seattle Freeze exists and why it bothered me so much, compared to the friendliness of the south. There was snow, which I adore. There was dark and rain in the winter. I loved that, too. There's a freaking mountain (two if you can see Mt Baker), and vast unexplored areas of rural Washington just as magical as the already explored areas of Texas. I have a good house, with good people, in a good area, with a good job.
"Seattle is where you became diabetic. Seattle is where you an Emily broke up. Seattle is where your truck died. Seattle is where you went into debt. Seattle is where you went into full blown depression."
But those are things that could, and possible would, happened in Texas. Or heck, Pennsylvania had I stayed there. Staying home wouldn't have fixed that. If I had stayed home, I may have had friends and family to help me through it...but I DID have friends and family help me through it here in Seattle.
Why, then, do I want to go home so badly?
I think it comes down to "mission failure" and permanence. I came here to get closer to Emily. And as of now, we haven't spoken a word to each other in nearly a year. I don't think that is going to change. That mission failed, and failed spectacularly. I made it my mission to become a permanent employee of my new job. That mission has also failed. I have a house - but it's rented. I have a job - but it's temporary. I have transportation - but it's my roomie's. I have friends and family here, but the xenophobia is still out there in public. I'm accepted as trans, but not as Texan.
While things have gone right (very right in some ways), too much has gone wrong, which is something that comes to mind when I think about staying. Good things have happened here. Good things continue to happen.
But the whole reason I'm came here is gone, and most of my time trying to acclimate to the culture and area was met by losing pretty much everything, before it got better. My roomies have said that they've tried to make me happier being in the Northwest, and they feel terrible that they can't. It certainly wasn't for lack of trying, they're family to me.
In the end, I think I want to go home, because this place is tainted with long lasting past failures. I want to go home out of bitterness. I don't really think that's a good reason. But all I can think about is I want to go home.
Deep thoughts while mowing the lawn badly.
Deep thoughts before bed.
