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Apr. 22nd, 2014 05:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariI don't think I'm the right person for activism.
I'm almost five years away from doing the Day of Remembrance Webcomics Project. And while I've always tried to make it to memorials I've considered, but shied away from getting deeply involved with activism.
And I think its because I was never really an activist to begin with.
I got the Day of Remembrance Webcomics Project started to show some solidarity with a friend who was hurting. She'd been involved with the DOR since Day One and I saw what it was doing to her. I wanted to help a friend, which had the side effect of helping the transgender community.
It ran for a couple of years, and then one year, I couldn't find names to put on the site. Scouring elsewhere on the web brought up a few scant names. I spent a week or two running through news sites and google cached pages to find names and put them up.
And to my surprise, other sites used my list. And, for a few short years, people were using my site as the main DOR site. Not something I expected, but if it was doing some good, so be it.
What I didn't expect is that, given time, any community will start to eat its own. Activism is much the same.
I've always said that I don't like joining groups. Since I was a kid, I've seen to many individuals in clubs, groups and communities vie to consolidate power in themselves to ruin the group there way, instead of promoting the values of the group.
I admit, I am one of those people. Not on purpose, but because I want to run things the ”right way” but because my way works. And I admit, that puts me squarely in that camp.
And people like that also become targets. My email went from being very positive to being very negative. Personal attacks, how dare yous, people correcting my verbiage and policing labels. This was minutia to me, chipping away at the very purpose of the site. And very annoying.
And it got much much worse. I received a death that a day from one particular person for a year and a half.
I only researched names for two or three years. Once I found Ethan's site,I deferred to his list of names. Researching transgender deaths is...very hard. I continues with the DOR, but the same burnout that hit my friends was hitting me. This Was Important. But my battery wasn't expecting the load.
And in time, the road became too much. It was a letter I received from someone who told me I shouldn't be running the DOR list...I should be on it.
I turned my back on the DOR project shortly afterwards. In my view, the people I was doing this for didn't want me doing it, and I felt that my original purpose, helping a friend in need, had long been fulfilled.
When I go to a DOR memorial...I sometimes feel I want to get involved again. But from what I've seen if this generations activism...I realize I'm an old fuddy duddy who should let the new kids fight their own battles.
I'm not an activist. I never was. I was someone who wanted to help a friend, and did (I hope). And I'll help again if its needed. Until then...I'll keep going to vigils (DOR is still very important to me) and watch as the work makes the world continue to get better for us.
I'm almost five years away from doing the Day of Remembrance Webcomics Project. And while I've always tried to make it to memorials I've considered, but shied away from getting deeply involved with activism.
And I think its because I was never really an activist to begin with.
I got the Day of Remembrance Webcomics Project started to show some solidarity with a friend who was hurting. She'd been involved with the DOR since Day One and I saw what it was doing to her. I wanted to help a friend, which had the side effect of helping the transgender community.
It ran for a couple of years, and then one year, I couldn't find names to put on the site. Scouring elsewhere on the web brought up a few scant names. I spent a week or two running through news sites and google cached pages to find names and put them up.
And to my surprise, other sites used my list. And, for a few short years, people were using my site as the main DOR site. Not something I expected, but if it was doing some good, so be it.
What I didn't expect is that, given time, any community will start to eat its own. Activism is much the same.
I've always said that I don't like joining groups. Since I was a kid, I've seen to many individuals in clubs, groups and communities vie to consolidate power in themselves to ruin the group there way, instead of promoting the values of the group.
I admit, I am one of those people. Not on purpose, but because I want to run things the ”right way” but because my way works. And I admit, that puts me squarely in that camp.
And people like that also become targets. My email went from being very positive to being very negative. Personal attacks, how dare yous, people correcting my verbiage and policing labels. This was minutia to me, chipping away at the very purpose of the site. And very annoying.
And it got much much worse. I received a death that a day from one particular person for a year and a half.
I only researched names for two or three years. Once I found Ethan's site,I deferred to his list of names. Researching transgender deaths is...very hard. I continues with the DOR, but the same burnout that hit my friends was hitting me. This Was Important. But my battery wasn't expecting the load.
And in time, the road became too much. It was a letter I received from someone who told me I shouldn't be running the DOR list...I should be on it.
I turned my back on the DOR project shortly afterwards. In my view, the people I was doing this for didn't want me doing it, and I felt that my original purpose, helping a friend in need, had long been fulfilled.
When I go to a DOR memorial...I sometimes feel I want to get involved again. But from what I've seen if this generations activism...I realize I'm an old fuddy duddy who should let the new kids fight their own battles.
I'm not an activist. I never was. I was someone who wanted to help a friend, and did (I hope). And I'll help again if its needed. Until then...I'll keep going to vigils (DOR is still very important to me) and watch as the work makes the world continue to get better for us.
