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Oct. 3rd, 2015 02:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariSo, I've returned, after many years, to Second Life.
It's a place with a lot of heartbreak, a lot of bad memories, a lot of bad emotions tired to it. But that was all outside events that tainted that world for me. When it was good it was very good.
But mainly it allows me one thing I can no longer get anymore: my transition. I can live there, as a woman and never get called out for being trans, for looking ridiculous, never be laughed at or made into the evenings entertainment. It gives me an outlet.
My psoriasis has spread to my genitals, guaranteeing there will be no surgery unless it's an extreme emergency. I haven't taken hormones in months. I'm built like a linebacker. But in Second Life, I get something I've ALWAYS wanted - I get to be ignored.
Going back, I still feel a bit sad and sometimes angry at the events that put Second Life in the bad emotions department. I'd tried to go back, but every time that I did, I felt like a ghost of my former self. It kept me from going back.
This time though, while I do feel like a ghost of my former self, I have decided to indulge that feeling, re-christening myself AS the Wandering Ghost. It's the acceptance that I will never truly be at peace there that had allowed me to return. Much like a ghost itself.
I miss my transition. But at least I have illusion. And I'll take illusion if I can't have the transition.
"She has illusion, and you have reality. May you find your way as pleasant."
It's a place with a lot of heartbreak, a lot of bad memories, a lot of bad emotions tired to it. But that was all outside events that tainted that world for me. When it was good it was very good.
But mainly it allows me one thing I can no longer get anymore: my transition. I can live there, as a woman and never get called out for being trans, for looking ridiculous, never be laughed at or made into the evenings entertainment. It gives me an outlet.
My psoriasis has spread to my genitals, guaranteeing there will be no surgery unless it's an extreme emergency. I haven't taken hormones in months. I'm built like a linebacker. But in Second Life, I get something I've ALWAYS wanted - I get to be ignored.
Going back, I still feel a bit sad and sometimes angry at the events that put Second Life in the bad emotions department. I'd tried to go back, but every time that I did, I felt like a ghost of my former self. It kept me from going back.
This time though, while I do feel like a ghost of my former self, I have decided to indulge that feeling, re-christening myself AS the Wandering Ghost. It's the acceptance that I will never truly be at peace there that had allowed me to return. Much like a ghost itself.
I miss my transition. But at least I have illusion. And I'll take illusion if I can't have the transition.
"She has illusion, and you have reality. May you find your way as pleasant."
