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Apr. 9th, 2019 12:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariThoughts Before Bed
I don't like to dwell on this, because that way lies madness, but I do wonder how I'd be doing right now had my body matched my gender.
Everything I've done, I've done to fix that mismatch. Most everything I've done with my life was too fix that one issue, wether I wanted to do it or not. After my surgery became impossible, that changed to "everything I'm doing with my life is just to survive in this mismatched mess."
I wonder what I'd be doing if that one thing that's defined my life choices for forty years wasn't a thing. A cartoonist? Writer? Professional chef? Something else? Happy?
There would likely be a different struggle defining me. But I'd hope it wasn't as crushing as the one I find myself trapped in.
While this isn't the primary cause of my unease these last few days, it's certainly been on my mind as I tried to get into a better mindset.
I don't like to dwell on this, because that way lies madness, but I do wonder how I'd be doing right now had my body matched my gender.
Everything I've done, I've done to fix that mismatch. Most everything I've done with my life was too fix that one issue, wether I wanted to do it or not. After my surgery became impossible, that changed to "everything I'm doing with my life is just to survive in this mismatched mess."
I wonder what I'd be doing if that one thing that's defined my life choices for forty years wasn't a thing. A cartoonist? Writer? Professional chef? Something else? Happy?
There would likely be a different struggle defining me. But I'd hope it wasn't as crushing as the one I find myself trapped in.
While this isn't the primary cause of my unease these last few days, it's certainly been on my mind as I tried to get into a better mindset.
