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Feb. 2nd, 2021 05:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariDeep Thoughts Before Bed
I only have so much energy for everything I want to do. Much less than I had ten years ago. From 2000-2010 I had that energy allocated where I wanted. But after 2010, things got wierd.
Getting hired on at NOA, I put almost my complete allocation of energy right there in trying to get hired. Looking back, that was a mistake, as, after the psoriasis and diabetes diagnosis as well as encroaching depression from the collapse of my transition, I had no energy for anything else.
The comics faltered and lost a lot of their audience. I think there was a year where I did a total of four comics alltogether. While the Play All the Zeldas Quest II streams were fun, they also ate into my draining energy reserves, and there was really no reward from that to make up for the energy I was putting into it.
When I left NOA, I expected things to change but Tableau also ended up being a much harder job than I expected, and ate even MORE energy, which is why I killed the streams when the last Zelda game was played.
Then I left Tableau. Then we got a government that wasn't trying hard to destroy my rights.
And suddenly the energy that was allocated in all the wrong places came back cause those places went away. I started spooling up the novel work again. I started comicking again. I'm considering re-starting the streams.
In the last few days, I had a super kick in the ass by several friends. One is kind of rocketing to stardom and has said she would give me a hand up to her level if given the chance. And while I appreciated that, she'd also mentioned how much work and energy went to getting where she was.
Another person basically told me "There's a difference between failure and giving up. They're not the same thing, and you don't know that. I can understand failure, it happens. But giving up pisses me off, and you've done that too. The only reason I'm not mad about it with you, is you didn't know the difference. You do now. Whatcha gonna do about that?"
When was the happiest I felt in the recent past? 2014. Sitting in my apartment in Austin drawing every other night, streaming it, putting out two comics a week. I had no "real" job, and no income. But I was happy pushing out two comics a week.
So we're reallocating that energy - books, comics and streams (should the higher energy I plan to put into them pay off) are the main focus. Everything else is secondary. I'll still need a day job, though...
...there is the possibility I could go back to NOA. Honestly? That honeymoon is over. If I go back, it's about a paycheck to gather enough money to help me do the novels/comics/streams. If that falls through, fine, anything else that will get me a paycheck to cover the novels/comics/streams.
I know the difference now. I know what I've failed at, and what I've given up on, and where my projects are.
I don't have as much as I did back in the 90s or 2000s, but it's time to put that energy back to what matters.
I only have so much energy for everything I want to do. Much less than I had ten years ago. From 2000-2010 I had that energy allocated where I wanted. But after 2010, things got wierd.
Getting hired on at NOA, I put almost my complete allocation of energy right there in trying to get hired. Looking back, that was a mistake, as, after the psoriasis and diabetes diagnosis as well as encroaching depression from the collapse of my transition, I had no energy for anything else.
The comics faltered and lost a lot of their audience. I think there was a year where I did a total of four comics alltogether. While the Play All the Zeldas Quest II streams were fun, they also ate into my draining energy reserves, and there was really no reward from that to make up for the energy I was putting into it.
When I left NOA, I expected things to change but Tableau also ended up being a much harder job than I expected, and ate even MORE energy, which is why I killed the streams when the last Zelda game was played.
Then I left Tableau. Then we got a government that wasn't trying hard to destroy my rights.
And suddenly the energy that was allocated in all the wrong places came back cause those places went away. I started spooling up the novel work again. I started comicking again. I'm considering re-starting the streams.
In the last few days, I had a super kick in the ass by several friends. One is kind of rocketing to stardom and has said she would give me a hand up to her level if given the chance. And while I appreciated that, she'd also mentioned how much work and energy went to getting where she was.
Another person basically told me "There's a difference between failure and giving up. They're not the same thing, and you don't know that. I can understand failure, it happens. But giving up pisses me off, and you've done that too. The only reason I'm not mad about it with you, is you didn't know the difference. You do now. Whatcha gonna do about that?"
When was the happiest I felt in the recent past? 2014. Sitting in my apartment in Austin drawing every other night, streaming it, putting out two comics a week. I had no "real" job, and no income. But I was happy pushing out two comics a week.
So we're reallocating that energy - books, comics and streams (should the higher energy I plan to put into them pay off) are the main focus. Everything else is secondary. I'll still need a day job, though...
...there is the possibility I could go back to NOA. Honestly? That honeymoon is over. If I go back, it's about a paycheck to gather enough money to help me do the novels/comics/streams. If that falls through, fine, anything else that will get me a paycheck to cover the novels/comics/streams.
I know the difference now. I know what I've failed at, and what I've given up on, and where my projects are.
I don't have as much as I did back in the 90s or 2000s, but it's time to put that energy back to what matters.
