The Left-Handed Path

[dolari]

Where to begin.

Well...first off...I originally had planned to make this a friends-only
entry. Because the unpleasantness of the last several days involves people
keeping things from each other. Those people frequent these pages as
anonymous readers.

But there are a lot of you readers who are anonymous. I know for a fact
that there are more anonymous readers than on my friends listings. Blocking
out all the anonymous types to hope that two people don't read it seemed
pretty unfair.

I also don't like to air out dirty laundry.

But dammit.

This is my journal, and these very important bad things happened to me.

And as this is my journal, I shall say what I want, to whom I want. Don't
want me to write shit? Don't do shit around me.

And so we begin:



THURSDAY - SIGNS AND PORTENTS

---

After I finally managed to
leave, I had to pick up some special amenities. First Stop was to Radio
Shack to pick up some amplified speakers for the MP3 player and a battery
for my camera. The desperately needed the speakers because driving the hour
it takes between Austin and San Antonio with no sound whatsoever (my dad is
deaf in one ear and managed to blow both speakers with talk radio - Rush has
a really big loud mouth). The Radio Shack,though, didn't HAVE speakers. A
Radio Shack. Without Speakers? That's like a car without wheels. Go
figure. Got the camera battery, and some dinner.

Eating a dinner in a car is a finely honed skill made famous by our family.
We have methods and techniques far beyond the understanding of most average
humans. Mostly cause Dad drives trucks for a living, and I'm an avid
roadtripper. I got a Fisherman's Platter from Barnacle Bill's. This was
an...interesting way to eat. :)

Hit another Radio Shack I found on the way, and grabbed a new pair of
amplified speakers from a competent Radio Shack on the way to Austin. IT
was their last pair. What is UP With Radio Shack? They have MILLIONS of
useless trinkets you'll NEVER need, and millions of amplified speakers.
Nowadays, they're running out? Go figure.

On the way up there, I pop in my Cowboy Bebop MP3 CDs and play them...only
to find out my MP3 player REALLY hates the MP3s (I found out they're encoded
at 56Kbps at 22Khz sampling - they sound great, though) The result? I hear
the music, but just before it ends, it cuts in and plays the last song still
in the buffer. And if you're not careful, it actually freezes the whole
machine. Dammit.

I finally get there late, and Leeza (Previously named as New Girl, but now,
I don't care about naming names) and Dean meet me there. No problems, and
they leave and leave me be. I spend the next five hours alone in Dean's
(Previously known as Deener) apartment alone. NO problem. I know Leeza
does not like me, and she takes out all her hostility about me on Dean. I
wanted this to be a carefree (albeit trodding on eggshells) weekend.

Although I will admit that this WAS a test - Most of my Austin plans
revolved around me staying with Dean until I could afford my own place. I
wanted to see how long I could stay there before shit happened. I never
figured it would be THIS quickly.

Up to now - I wasn't really seeing the Radio Shack weirdness (I was serious
about that, you know) and the MP3 problems and mom running me late as any
signal from the Great Beyond telling me that this weekend was a bad idea.
That was until before bed, when I went into the storage space where all my
female clothes is kept (Mom'd burn it if she could).

Lying in the EXACT center of the balcony was a dead dove, it's neck broken
and twisted in a very weird pattern. It must have hit the window and died.
This was The First Signal that things were not as they seemed.

FRIDAY - THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM

---

Friday was a fairly
decent day. My $588 had mysteriously shrunk to $360 (Mom asked for
groceries, the food and speakers cost me as did gas and so on). Went to the
bank and reopened my dead account. Sadly, though, I shouldna done that.
Really. My funds are immediately available - but the ATM card won't work
until Tuesday and I have no permanent checks until I get a permanent place
to live.

After that, I got some hot wings, sweet manna of heaven. :) There's a place
in Austin that makes the most delectable of wings, and the ones from San
Antonio SUCK. HORRID EVIL THINGS!

I went back to Deener's and waited.

My first mistake - I went out for the bank and food, yes. Deener and I both
agreed to tell LEeza that I had an interview for a job. While I did this
with and for Dean to appease Leeza, little white lies tend to steamroll.
Usually in one of two ways: (1) The Little White Lie needs an incredible
amount of backstory. (2) The Little White Lie becomes TWO Little White Lies
and then they tell two people, and they tell two people, and they tell two
people....and so on and so on. Both consequences happened.

Deener came home directly from work, circumventing Leeza. We talked for a
while, because our alone time is very rare now. And was much rarer than we
thought it would be as LEeza called pretty much immediately as soon as Dean
walked into the door. So I was left alone in the house for a few more
hours. Matt Groenig used to be so original - I love his early stuff. Can't
stand his Ackbar & Jeff Synonym-fests anymore. Dave Barry is ridiculously
funny. Edward Wong Pepelu Tivursky IV is my personal idol.

And I waited.

When they came in, we ordered for Pizza. Leeza then decided to humiliate
Dean by changing her order anytime Pizza Hut picked up the phone. They
literally called about THREE TIMES. Each time, Leeza wanted to change her
order, as soon as Dean would get them to pick up the phone. Then, Leeza had
the audacity to say "he never listens" right to my face. Dude - the guy has
a pizza guy waiting for an order in one ear, a bitching girlfriend in
another ear. There's a REASON he can't hear.

And here I was saying earlier that Leeza was being very well behaved.

Never get a P-Zone. They're terrible. Real calzones are baked, not fried,
and eating that thing was just nasty. State College had a place called DP
Dough's and thems were GOOD Calzones. Brother's of Hamilton Square in State
College has good Calzones, too. We watched Star Wars all night long,a s
well as some Adult Swim.

Leeza then went to bed, Dean and I watched a few episodes of Sealab 2021
that we didn't want her to see (they were VERY funny, but the main climaxes
to two of the stories involved "fatties" and we figured she didn't deserve
the ribbing). By the end of the weekend, I so dearly wanted to rename her
Chubby Cox. (If you don't get it, start watching Sealab 2021. NOW. I'll
wait.)

Soon afterwards Dean went to bed, and I played a bit of Doom on the
Playstation...then had a fitful night's sleep.

SATURDAY - INSIDE THE TEMPEST

---

I had a terrible dream
before I woke up. I heard arguing between Dean and Leeza. Lots of arguing.
When I awoke, everything seemed hunky-dory, though. Took a shower, got
dressed and had an excellent breakfast (Leeza is quite the cook).

While she was playing Syphon Filter and then, suddenly, the game wouldn't
work anymore. Memory card saving didn't work, and the CD stopped spinning.
Turning it off and messing with it showed me what the problem was - the CD
wasn't spinning and the CD motor was just going CLICK CLICK CLICK. After
taking the PSX apart, I felt the CD Motor, which was WHITE hot. It had
burned out, and I was crushed.

This was the final sign, I'm sure. If there could have been a demonic voice
in the apartment, it would have been screaming at me "GET OUT!" and I woulda
(and shoulda) run outta that place like a quarterbacking Margot Kidder
hightailing it away from the Amityville House.

RIP PLAYSTATION - 1995 - 2002. YOU NEEDED NO MODCHIP.

A PSX2 has now been added to the long list of demands for when I rob a bank
((1) Medication money (2)30GB Hard Drive (3)Playstation 2)

At this point, the carny strapped me into the Gravitron and whispered in my
ear "Hope you haven't eaten anything."

I went off to the bathroom. When I got back, Dean went to the restroom
leaving LEeza and myself alone. I jokingly quipped:

Jenn: "You know - ain't this always the way? Did Dean ever tell you the
Alternator Story?"
Leeza: "No."
Jenn: "Back then, though, I had just gotten a check for $550 dollars. On my
way to deposit it in the bank, my alternator died. The cost to replace it?
$550."
Leeza: "Oh, I've had that happen to me to. Just with really
important things. Like groceries or rent."

::blink::

And yes, she DID pronounce the emphasis.

I dropped it at that point and grabbed another Groenig book. I wasn't gonna
let that jab get to me. Period. She however, was not done.

Leeza: "You know...that Playstation was old."
Jenn: "Yeah, I know." (Reads)
Leeza: "It really was. I mean, it was going to burn out one day."
Jenn: (Slightly annoyed) "Yeah." (Reads)
Leeza: "I mean they all go out."
Jenn: (Tersely) "Yes, thank you."

I continued to read. She got up and words were exchanged in another room.
Leeza then stormed out of the house, and, in slamming the door, hit my ankle
with the door. Ouch! Dean and I talked about what happened, and it turns
out that she was fishing for a "It's not your fault" and when I didn't give
it to her, she immediately thought she was at fault, and complained to Dean,
which then became the standard "Jenn if always more important than me"
debacle I had hoped to avoid this time around.

Dean told me that she constantly criticizes him, and that she constantly
attempts to appease her. We talked a bit about it and, as usual, the call
Leeza made to Dean was the "I think we should break up" call. There was a
LOT of shouting, and nastiness going around. Even Dean was a bit fed up
with it all. After the call, we decided to leave the apartment, just to get
away from it all. We went and checked our PO Box, and it had nothing in it.
We went to visit the cats at my old apartment. We went and got Taco Cabana.

That's when the Second Little White Lie came in. He didn't want me to
mention that we went out and Had Fun Without Her. This disturbed me. I
don't like Lying. I'll do it if it means placating someone, but if it
becomes a Way of Life.

The second call went in a direction exactly the opposite over what Dean and
I had talked about.

At that point my facade had crumbled. Despite everything that he told me
Leeza does to her, and despite the constant talking about how he's decided
to settle on her even though she doesn't make him happy, he almost sounded
like he was begging her to take it back.

All Leeza's anger AT ME is taken out ON DEAN. If you have a problem with
me, tell me TO MY FACE. I guarantee I won't resort to fisticuffs unless you
start, and MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, we can hammer something out. But now,
browbeat Dean and you hurt me. I still care about the guy, even if it's
just as friends.

But to hear Dean wanting to take her back...at that moment I solidified my
resolve - I would never talk to Leeza directly again. And I had lost a
serious amount of respect for Dean. You don't wallow in Shit simply because
it's Not Toxic Waste.

And, a purely selfish thought: "YOU BROKE UP WITH ME, AND YOU'RE NOT
BREAKING UP WITH HER? HOW BAD MUST I HAVE BEEN?" Apples and
oranges be damned.

I called up Erin and cancelled the Ren Faire trip. I wasn't going to be in
close quarters with Leeza. Period.

Leeza came back over, and I blatantly ignored her. She'd asked several
questions directly to me. I wouldn't answer, and Dean answered for me. I
wish he hadn't done that. I REALLY wanted to tell her off.

She went to sleep. Turns out that there WAS an argument while I was asleep.
Dean and I had a serious talk that night. I basically said I couldn't
handle Leeza anymore and that I would not be coming back to stay with him
when I got a job in Austin, even temporarily.

The way I used to explain my method:

We have three people here with specific choices:

LEEZA - Can either get used to me, or hurt Dean even more.
DEAN - Can either be with her and live with the browbeating, or live without
me, or live without her. He refuses to make that choice.
JENN - Can either say Fuck It and watch Dean get hurt ALL THE TIME and be
the eventual cause of a breakup, or leave, and allow Leeza to be happy, and
Dean to "Settle."

If given the choice, Leeza would choose the Hurt Dean Even More, because
that will get me to leave.
Dean refuses to make the choice.

That leaves it up to me.

I don't like seeing Dean hurt. And as long as I'm here, he will be hurt.

I HAVE to leave.

We played some video games with the Dreamcast. Had some more serious talk.
Dean went to bed.

At this point the facade crumbled. I realize now that I am some kind
of reverser. All good intentions and good deeds and good vibes come back on
me as bad intentions, bad deeds and bad vibes. The wiccan law of threes,
with an added polarity reverse. I've learned my entire family is like that.
They thrive on negativity, the fail when things go right. I can see it as
far back as my grandmother on my father's side.

I am not Wiccan. I do believe in Magick, but not the gods of Wicca. I
believe in tangible emotion. What I've decided to do would be considered
taking the "Left Handed Path." I can wish nastiness on people who truly deserve it, and
feed off the good vibes that will generate for me. It's not a life I want to live, but it sure
makes somethings in life a hell of a lot easier. Not to mention that this is "How
I work" regardless of how I want to work.

I took every bit of evil, hatred, emotional energy, added a dash of slurs,
derogatory remarks and plain pure evil, and a "Chubby Cox" on top and HURLED
it right at Leeza. My first physical world Haoh-So-Kooh-Ken in QUITE a long
time.

I went to sleep happy.

SUNDAY - THE MASQUERADE ENDS

---

I woke up, to the joyous news
that Leeza slept twelve hours. The first HSKK was taking effect. Leeza and
Dean left shortly afterwards. I was alone again, but this time of my own
accord. I threw another Haoh-So-Kooh-Ken at Leeza as they left. I got all
my clothes, did a clean sweep of the house to make sure I had all my stuff
(ALL of it) packed away. As I did this I thought about these people.

Leeza was a crybaby. If she wasn't getting enough attention, she simply
cried for it and MADE Attention when there simply wasn't any to go around.

Dean had turned into a spineless jellyfish, unable to make a clear decision
in his life. He had been strong enough with me to tell me my faults. I had
no idea who he was anymore.

I had all my stuff in the truck - Dean gave me a present. A robotic baby
from McDonalds. I smiled and took it warmly. I went upstairs where I
announced I was leaving. Gave Dean his key back.

And then, just before I left:

JENN: "Leeza!"
LEEZA: "Yes?"
JENN: "Grow the fuck up."

And then I turned to Dean

JENN: "And you - grow a backbone."

As I left,I heard Dean say something, but I didn't care anymore. Leeza was
an abuser who I didn't want to know anymore. Dean was the battered lover
who won't leave. I don't need those types in my life. They're planning on
getting couple counseling. I sure hope they can figure themselves out.

I left for Erin's who made noises about having me stay overnight. I
decided, though,I really needed to regroup, and go home instead. And after
an EMail I got from my sister, (grandma isn't well again) I cancelled my
dinner with Syl and Dan and went straight for home.

Yeah, I'm back in San Antonio, in my house that I'm trying to escape from.
But damned if I don't feel like 110%. Almost like a huge burden is off my
back.

Those MP3s didn't play right on the way home, but that was forgiven.

I don't like the life of being a reverser, but it does have it's rewards.

Comments

[hurricane-amy.livejournal.com]

wow.... what a weekend.... i thought mine was bad... mine was just uneventful. you were overeventful.... i still love you!

[foxynams.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's certainly interesting. I'm glad that you decided to end this thing. :) Although, I think that maybe you could be not a reverser, but something else. I mean, I know you say it runs in the family, but people do change. You gotta start with yourself. I think that if you try to be more positive and send the good vibes at people, you'll get even bigger rewards. And if some people do not act like you'd like or expect, screw them. ;)

Well, this is just my own little 2 cents. *hugs* things will get better, don't worry. Time helps. :)

[(Anonymous)]

Woof. What a ride. As far as I can tell, you did the right thing, and I offer my congratulations.

Incidentally, there's been something I wanted to mention regarding your being a reverser. Remember the big experiment from a few weeks ago? Regardless of what you perceived, I'm pretty sure it didn't work, and I didn't think it could work, even from the beginning. Here's why. The night that you asked everyone to send bad, angry thoughts at you, we all cooperated (except for the one person who pissed in the results). But why did we cooperate? Because we like you, and you asked us to do you a favor and help you out. We sent the bad thoughts, or at least tried to, but we did it with good intentions backing them up all the way. None of the bad stuff was sincere, nor could it have been. I suppose we all pissed in the results, because, well, sometimes that's what friends do.

Take care,
Nathan

[(Anonymous)]

>JENN: "Leeza!"
>LEEZA: "Yes?"
>JENN: "Grow the fuck up."
>And then I turned to Dean
>JENN: "And you - grow a backbone."

*applauds*

No, you're not a 'Reverser'...you're somoene who said what needed to be said in that particular circumstance.

Nothing more...nothing less.

-B