Live Work PLAY Body Mind Soul
Jul. 20th, 2010 02:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariThe State of the Jenn, Part 3: PLAY
So much has changed in the last six months or so.
About a year ago, amid the Speakeasy debacle, I was going through a lot of crap. But a the same time, I was doing Closetspace three times a week, spent time in my virtual home of Second Life, and watching movies all the time. I was unhappy, yes. But still enjoying my time off.
Then things got bad, and the first thing to go was my connection to Second Life. Not literally - I still had my plot of land, and my home there. But it became more and more a chore to go there, and the world wasn't capturing me like it used to.
At one time, I considered myself not just a player of SL, but a "citizen." I was part of that world, concerned to hwo it was building up, keeping my area a park for the use of anyone and everyone. But as things got worse for me, I went back less and less often, eventually spending weeks without visiting the world. Months and months went by, and finally I just lost my "connection" with the world. I go back, and it's not the same. I tried rebuilding my plot, trying to get ivolved with the world again, but I can't bring myself to go there anymore. I just don't have that "oomph" for it anymore.
The comics are the same. The characters are screaming to tell the story, but some days, I sit there looking at the paper, and I can't make the pencil draw. Or I'll force it, and the images look like crap. I've kind of reached a middle ground - I don't draw as much, and repeat frames like crazy, but that's lazy drawing. With AWFW's buffer ending, all two readers of AWFW want more...and I don't know if I can deliver in my state. I'll try, but it's not gonna be easy. This CS/VE crossover was supposed to be a three or four month storyline. I'm six month in, and only a quarter done. I'm rewriting it to try and have it done by the end of the year. But, man, the effort seems gargantuan these days.
That isn't to say there isn't a fun to be had. Emily and I went to Mt. Baker (without managing to actually SEE Mt Baker). And there was an old PAcific Highway trip the other day (I've managed to drive the Old Pacific Highway from Blaine to Toledo, now). The folks I'm with a re a lot of fun, and in fact, there were seven of us watching (and riffing) Dinotopia and Pee Wee's Big Adventure. We went to the Zoo last week, which was nice, but they do a lot of RP Gaming...not my cuppa tea. Thing is, after two years, they're really the only friends I have...and onIy because I live with them 24/7.
I have a Wii (stop giggling) I bought with my first paycheck at AwesomeJob, and a crapload of games, Virtual and Disc. They don't take up a lot of time, but they're a lot of fun. It's nice to get back in to video gaming again, after so many years away. Current fave is Art Style, Light Trax.
I miss my Second Life, though. I wish I could get my groove back, there.
Also, Stripperella is hilarious.
So much has changed in the last six months or so.
About a year ago, amid the Speakeasy debacle, I was going through a lot of crap. But a the same time, I was doing Closetspace three times a week, spent time in my virtual home of Second Life, and watching movies all the time. I was unhappy, yes. But still enjoying my time off.
Then things got bad, and the first thing to go was my connection to Second Life. Not literally - I still had my plot of land, and my home there. But it became more and more a chore to go there, and the world wasn't capturing me like it used to.
At one time, I considered myself not just a player of SL, but a "citizen." I was part of that world, concerned to hwo it was building up, keeping my area a park for the use of anyone and everyone. But as things got worse for me, I went back less and less often, eventually spending weeks without visiting the world. Months and months went by, and finally I just lost my "connection" with the world. I go back, and it's not the same. I tried rebuilding my plot, trying to get ivolved with the world again, but I can't bring myself to go there anymore. I just don't have that "oomph" for it anymore.
The comics are the same. The characters are screaming to tell the story, but some days, I sit there looking at the paper, and I can't make the pencil draw. Or I'll force it, and the images look like crap. I've kind of reached a middle ground - I don't draw as much, and repeat frames like crazy, but that's lazy drawing. With AWFW's buffer ending, all two readers of AWFW want more...and I don't know if I can deliver in my state. I'll try, but it's not gonna be easy. This CS/VE crossover was supposed to be a three or four month storyline. I'm six month in, and only a quarter done. I'm rewriting it to try and have it done by the end of the year. But, man, the effort seems gargantuan these days.
That isn't to say there isn't a fun to be had. Emily and I went to Mt. Baker (without managing to actually SEE Mt Baker). And there was an old PAcific Highway trip the other day (I've managed to drive the Old Pacific Highway from Blaine to Toledo, now). The folks I'm with a re a lot of fun, and in fact, there were seven of us watching (and riffing) Dinotopia and Pee Wee's Big Adventure. We went to the Zoo last week, which was nice, but they do a lot of RP Gaming...not my cuppa tea. Thing is, after two years, they're really the only friends I have...and onIy because I live with them 24/7.
I have a Wii (stop giggling) I bought with my first paycheck at AwesomeJob, and a crapload of games, Virtual and Disc. They don't take up a lot of time, but they're a lot of fun. It's nice to get back in to video gaming again, after so many years away. Current fave is Art Style, Light Trax.
I miss my Second Life, though. I wish I could get my groove back, there.
Also, Stripperella is hilarious.
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Play
Date: 2010-07-20 11:46 am (UTC)If experience is any teacher, I'd have to say it sounds like you are suffering from a broken heart.
The things you have said sound like you have lost something very dear to you.
I have felt the same way you describe, no oomph, your normal sources of fun fail to hold your interest, your mental hangouts seem less than safe.
Why are you so lost? What has been taken away? If it is Texasn you should go back there. No job is worth being constantly unhappy. Take care of yourself FIRST.
PS counting me, there at least 3 fans for AWFW. Live with it.
"The things you have said sound like you have lost something very dear to you."
Date: 2010-07-21 02:03 am (UTC)Re: "The things you have said sound like you have lost something very dear to you."
Date: 2010-07-21 06:26 am (UTC)I am deeply sorry. I had no wish to intrude. I understand being adrift, far from home. I also know that there are different kinds of pain.
There is the sharp, quick agony which tears can help- Pain like that finds ready treatment in wailing and raging against fate. The storm is soon blown out and calm can descend in its wake.
There is pain of the draining sort; the heavy, sad fog which which prompts sleep and inertia. One feels as if there will never be sunlight again. If you are an artist or a storyteller, everything you try to create will seem stupid and irksome. This pain is best dealt with in small, distracting work that does not challenge- re-type your address book, clean your fridge, dust all your books and reorganize them- anything you feel you SHOULD be doing but dislike to do.
In my experience, the mind plays hooky when bored. Pain is not boring, rote is. Your thoughts will tend to wander from the tedium at hand, and something else will become important. Boredom is the stick, and activity the carrot. With these you can drive your ass to market.
Barney
PS- it might be better to drive your ass to Texas- they got better sky than Washington.
PPS- there are those who DO care, who DO love you, and that wish you happiness. It's never a bad idea to ask for help.
Stripperella
Date: 2010-07-25 09:39 am (UTC)I truly hope your crap level is decreasing. It sounds like what you really need to do is go someplace where you can get alone, and just pitch a first-class swivet. Scream. Yell obscenities. slap a tree around. rend your garment. Then find someone to hug you and let you cry for a while. Friends like this are hard to find, and there isn't a dial up service(dammit). if you don't have a friend like that locally, You're in the wrong place. Would AwesomeJob grant you a short leave of absence? A San Antonio fix might help...