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May. 26th, 2002 03:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariWell, here I am at Erin's. After the deabcle that was yesterday, I'm realizing how much these people ARE family, and that I'm just wired wierd.
Normally, after a bad day, I go to a cemetary...work off some steam by envying the dead type stuff. If I was at home and mentioned I was in a bad mood, I'd get either "Yeah, well I'm worse" or "You're in a bad mood because you make yourself feel bad so feel good and you'll be good."
Here,I mentioned that I had a rough day. And Andy basically talked with me about it. Didn't slough it off, didn't retort...actually CONVERSED. I was kinda wierded out by it. As I walked out, Marca drove up, and I mentioned I was going out. When I told her I had had a bad day, I got sypathy. Real honest to goodness sympathy.
Wow.
Whenever I go anywhere at home, I tell my parents where I'm going and with whom and why. It's always been that way and that's hardcoded into me. I mentioned Iw as giong out, and basically I got a wierd look. It wasn't that they didn't care...I'm guessing they just never really thought about it that way.
This time around, I feel more like a part of their family, than as a visitor. I've actually managed to bond a bit with more than just Erin, and I've been told even the youngling is very fond of me.
I like this. But that cloud sits over my head - when this is over, I have to go home. And I hate that feeling. It ruins so much of my life. I'm hoping that I'll be able to stay in Austin until at least Tuesday, and that I will SOMEHOW get a job while I'm here so I won't have to go home.
For the first time in a VEYR long time, I actally feel kinda good. Sure, I've stayed in all the time I've been here, but I have the FREEDOM to move about as I will. I wanna go to a cemetary - I just waltz out and go. I wanna take a kiddoe to see Spider-Man, I just up and go. No having to make reservations weeks in advance and hope that my flight is hijacked, or having to run on someone elses timetable.
I can be ME here - which is not something I can do at home, either. I'm called by my REAL name here. I'm under NO scrutiny, no rules of engagement.
I'm content.
But after this, if I don't have a job, I have to go home.
-=-
Now...I'm stealing this neato-frito-benito idea from Zaecus, who is a sweetie. Ask me a question. Any question. I will give an honest and truthful answer to it, provided that it doesn't get me arrested, or worse, spanked. If I gotta plead the fifth I will. If I don't know it, I'll tell ya. You have 24 hours from now 4AM Central Time. If there's something you've always wanted know or wondered about me, now's the time. Face it straight!
Normally, after a bad day, I go to a cemetary...work off some steam by envying the dead type stuff. If I was at home and mentioned I was in a bad mood, I'd get either "Yeah, well I'm worse" or "You're in a bad mood because you make yourself feel bad so feel good and you'll be good."
Here,I mentioned that I had a rough day. And Andy basically talked with me about it. Didn't slough it off, didn't retort...actually CONVERSED. I was kinda wierded out by it. As I walked out, Marca drove up, and I mentioned I was going out. When I told her I had had a bad day, I got sypathy. Real honest to goodness sympathy.
Wow.
Whenever I go anywhere at home, I tell my parents where I'm going and with whom and why. It's always been that way and that's hardcoded into me. I mentioned Iw as giong out, and basically I got a wierd look. It wasn't that they didn't care...I'm guessing they just never really thought about it that way.
This time around, I feel more like a part of their family, than as a visitor. I've actually managed to bond a bit with more than just Erin, and I've been told even the youngling is very fond of me.
I like this. But that cloud sits over my head - when this is over, I have to go home. And I hate that feeling. It ruins so much of my life. I'm hoping that I'll be able to stay in Austin until at least Tuesday, and that I will SOMEHOW get a job while I'm here so I won't have to go home.
For the first time in a VEYR long time, I actally feel kinda good. Sure, I've stayed in all the time I've been here, but I have the FREEDOM to move about as I will. I wanna go to a cemetary - I just waltz out and go. I wanna take a kiddoe to see Spider-Man, I just up and go. No having to make reservations weeks in advance and hope that my flight is hijacked, or having to run on someone elses timetable.
I can be ME here - which is not something I can do at home, either. I'm called by my REAL name here. I'm under NO scrutiny, no rules of engagement.
I'm content.
But after this, if I don't have a job, I have to go home.
-=-
Now...I'm stealing this neato-frito-benito idea from Zaecus, who is a sweetie. Ask me a question. Any question. I will give an honest and truthful answer to it, provided that it doesn't get me arrested, or worse, spanked. If I gotta plead the fifth I will. If I don't know it, I'll tell ya. You have 24 hours from now 4AM Central Time. If there's something you've always wanted know or wondered about me, now's the time. Face it straight!
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*blush*
Date: 2002-05-26 03:42 am (UTC)Huh? Ach! Darn...
::mumbles:: good goin' ya blew your question on that
D'oh!
Re: *blush*
Date: 2002-05-26 09:14 pm (UTC)You can have another question if you like.
no subject
Date: 2002-05-26 09:10 am (UTC)When are you going to stop 'punishing' yourself (for what, I wouldn't know) by getting the hell out of your folk's house? They don't even accept you as you see yourself truly being.
And I'm going to cheat and add a 2nd question that doesn't need to be answered but is something you might want to consider: Might you be stuck in one of those 'mental boxes' we all get in from time to time, in your case some assumption about the type of job you 'must' have before you can live out on your own again?
Ok, fini.
-BB
no subject
Date: 2002-05-26 09:22 pm (UTC)1) When are you going to stop 'punishing' yourself (for what, I wouldn't know) by getting the hell out of your folk's house? They don't even accept you as you see yourself truly being.
Too true. The mistake I made was moving back in with them in the first place. I thought they had changed and they hadn't...and my mother, in particular, is very octopus like. Once I was there, she reverted to her old ways and now I'm semi-stuck there. Once I have a job, I will leave...but I can only leave once I have a job. Nowhere else to go. And it's not like I'm not looking. The job market in Austin is very bad. And I won't take a job in San Antonio...I went through that kinda hell where now I HAVE my independence, but have a mother who tries wrapping her life around mine while I'm out of the house. She tried that in Austin as well until the everyday 160 mile round trip finally got to her.
2)Might you be stuck in one of those 'mental boxes' we all get in from time to time, in your case some assumption about the type of job you 'must' have before you can live out on your own again?
Possibly. But my only requirement is "Austin." I've applied at Whataburger, and Kinko's and a great many other "I wouldn't work here if my life depended on it" type of jobs. But then they start the hemming and hawwing. They come up with really superficial reasons for not hiring me, but it all comes down to "You're ugly, we can't have you here." Like I said before, I'm trying. Very hard. The job market sucks, and I have to get past the "Man in a dress" look before I can even get considered.
I don't WANT to be there, and I'm trying not to fight any reason TO stay there. Once I can get a foothold, I'm gone.