You're Gonna Carry That Weight, Part Two
Jul. 22nd, 2002 02:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariI don't like posting logs, but this is the gist of what I was planning to post up anyways...
[00:51] k1tana: I'm kinda down - but I'm doing my best not to show it.
[00:55] k1tana: I'm also now in a terrible position of Marca telling me she's pissed at Erin about A B and C, and Erin pissed at Marca for X Y and Z....and then both saying "Don't say anything about this."
[01:04] k1tana: I don't mind talking about it. It's hard though - I've broken down so many times it hurts. Never while they're around - but...well...you can only take so much of sometelling you about how great the pony is, when you've been begging for a horse yourself fort so long.
[01:26] k1tana: It's tough...I'm really sad about the whole thing.
[01:26] k1tana: And of course, Erin tells me ALL about it. A lot. constantly.
[01:26] k1tana: The information is nice, yeah...but it tears meup
[01:27] k1tana: She doesn't knwo she's doing it, and if I have my way she'll never know.
[01:29] k1tana: I hate keeping secrets, but I'll be damned if I ruin her good time...and its a good time, despite the pain.
[01:36] k1tana: ...I'm just really pissed.
[01:36] k1tana: That night at Hyde Park Cafe I go a good look at myself in the reflection, and a good look at another girl in the reflection and realized nothing will help me.
[01:36] k1tana: I'm seriosuly considering giving it all up.
[01:38] k1tana: It isn't right. But the more I get into this, the worse my luck gets. And even if I got it, I'd be a hella ugly woman - even more ugly than your urn of the mill ugly genetic woman. I'm tired of trying when all my friends are getting their stuff handed to them on silver platters.
[01:41] k1tana: It's not flirtation or flattery...it's the truth. I will never be recognized as a woman. Ever. So why keep throwing myself at a goal I will never attain?
[01:41] k1tana: (And yes, I won't attain it - that is a forgone fact)
[01:45] k1tana: I don't know what to do anymore. I'm obviously not going to be a woman. I can't kill myself. I cannot make any headway....
[01:45] k1tana: Lots of people live with unfulfilled dreams. Maybe this is mine....
[01:46] [NAME REMOVED]: I don't know, either, honestly. I don't know where the line is between not bashing one's head against a wall and giving up, always.
[01:46] k1tana: The line is when you realize the mountain isn't getting any smaller.
[01:47] [NAME REMOVED]: well, i meant, how do you avoid doing either one of those...
[01:47] k1tana: You can't. If it isn't handed to you the world goes out of it's way to make sure you never get it.
[01:50] k1tana: It's nice to hear from Erin and MArca that "You'll love it" but no one is dumb enough to give ME $6,000 in credit. No one is dumb enough to work WITH me to get $6,000. Hell, I can't even get back on hormones, or a decent job.
[01:51] k1tana: And when all your Higher Power can say is "I'm sorry" you know you're fucked.
Yeah, it's self-pity. But self-pity is great when the rest of the world thinks that the reason you need sympathy is because you're involved in a mortal sin.
[00:51] k1tana: I'm kinda down - but I'm doing my best not to show it.
[00:55] k1tana: I'm also now in a terrible position of Marca telling me she's pissed at Erin about A B and C, and Erin pissed at Marca for X Y and Z....and then both saying "Don't say anything about this."
[01:04] k1tana: I don't mind talking about it. It's hard though - I've broken down so many times it hurts. Never while they're around - but...well...you can only take so much of sometelling you about how great the pony is, when you've been begging for a horse yourself fort so long.
[01:26] k1tana: It's tough...I'm really sad about the whole thing.
[01:26] k1tana: And of course, Erin tells me ALL about it. A lot. constantly.
[01:26] k1tana: The information is nice, yeah...but it tears meup
[01:27] k1tana: She doesn't knwo she's doing it, and if I have my way she'll never know.
[01:29] k1tana: I hate keeping secrets, but I'll be damned if I ruin her good time...and its a good time, despite the pain.
[01:36] k1tana: ...I'm just really pissed.
[01:36] k1tana: That night at Hyde Park Cafe I go a good look at myself in the reflection, and a good look at another girl in the reflection and realized nothing will help me.
[01:36] k1tana: I'm seriosuly considering giving it all up.
[01:38] k1tana: It isn't right. But the more I get into this, the worse my luck gets. And even if I got it, I'd be a hella ugly woman - even more ugly than your urn of the mill ugly genetic woman. I'm tired of trying when all my friends are getting their stuff handed to them on silver platters.
[01:41] k1tana: It's not flirtation or flattery...it's the truth. I will never be recognized as a woman. Ever. So why keep throwing myself at a goal I will never attain?
[01:41] k1tana: (And yes, I won't attain it - that is a forgone fact)
[01:45] k1tana: I don't know what to do anymore. I'm obviously not going to be a woman. I can't kill myself. I cannot make any headway....
[01:45] k1tana: Lots of people live with unfulfilled dreams. Maybe this is mine....
[01:46] [NAME REMOVED]: I don't know, either, honestly. I don't know where the line is between not bashing one's head against a wall and giving up, always.
[01:46] k1tana: The line is when you realize the mountain isn't getting any smaller.
[01:47] [NAME REMOVED]: well, i meant, how do you avoid doing either one of those...
[01:47] k1tana: You can't. If it isn't handed to you the world goes out of it's way to make sure you never get it.
[01:50] k1tana: It's nice to hear from Erin and MArca that "You'll love it" but no one is dumb enough to give ME $6,000 in credit. No one is dumb enough to work WITH me to get $6,000. Hell, I can't even get back on hormones, or a decent job.
[01:51] k1tana: And when all your Higher Power can say is "I'm sorry" you know you're fucked.
Yeah, it's self-pity. But self-pity is great when the rest of the world thinks that the reason you need sympathy is because you're involved in a mortal sin.
