OPINIONS WANTED!
With Closetspace now going to be the next comic done, I need YOUR (The Viewer at Home's) advice. Originally, Closetspace was going to be done with music. It's looking unlikely that that is going to happen soon, but music still plays a very very very important part of the story So, here're two versions of the script for the first episode. One with music as lyrics, and one without the music subtext.
I want your reactions to the scripts, and wether I should go ahead and go for a more musical story or not.
Please? :)
VERSION 1
1 EXTERIOR - ALAMO PLAZA - DAY
An OLD MAN cranks an antique Gramophone in the park, but instead of an
old vinyl record playing an even older ragtime number, there is an
enclosed CD playing loudly through the large funnel speaker. LYRICS
play from the funnel.
2 THREE SHOT - CLOSE ON OLD MAN
The Old Man looks up over to two older women, WOMAN 1 and WOMAN 2,
feeding pigeons in front of The Alamo. Woman 1 is slim and long curly
haired, Woman 2 is a bit bulkier, with shorter wavy hair. The two look
very content, but are also a bit stiff, as if they have been waiting
too long in the cold wind for someone. The Old Man smiles to himself,
happy at seeing such fine "young" women on exhibit in the park. The
music continues to play from his CD/Gramophone.
3 TWO SHOT
Woman 2, turns to talk to Woman 1, who continues to feed the pigeons
absentmindedly.
WOMAN 2
(slightly
irritated)
It's been over an hour...she's
not coming, is she?
4 CLOSE ON WOMAN 1
Woman 1 turns to face Woman 2 with a look of surprise.
WOMAN 1
Be patient. Parking is hard to
find around here
5 SAME SHOT AS PANEL 3
Woman 1 goes back to feeding the pigeons. In the backgrouns a hover
car flies past.
6 SAME SHOT AS PANEL 3
Woman 2, obviously uncomfortable has shifted.
WOMAN 2
It's too cold to be patient.
VERSION 2
1 EXTERIOR - ALAMO PLAZA - DAY
Two older women, WOMAN 1 and WOMAN 2, feed pigeons in front of The
Alamo. Woman 1 is slim and long curly haired, Woman 2 is a bit
bulkier, with shorter wavy hair. The two look very content, but are
also a bit stiff, as if they have been waiting too long in the cold
wind for someone.
WOMAN 2
(slightly
irritated)
It's been over an hour...she's
not coming, is she?
WOMAN 1
Be patient. Parking is hard to
find around here
2 SAME AS PANEL 1
Woman 2 shifts.
3 SAME AS PANEL 1
Woman 2 shifts again.
4 SAME AS PANEL 1
Woman 2 shifts again.
5 SAME AS PANEL 1
Woman 2 shifts one more time.
6 SAME AS PANEL 1
Woman 2 shifts again
WOMAN 2
It's too cold to be patient.
Comments? Suggestions? Boots to the head?
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