(no subject)
Oct. 11th, 2002 07:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariI often have these feelings of persecution. I know they're unfounded, but, as usual the first thing to come to mind when anything goes wrong is "who is doing this to me."
I used to get wildly irrational, blaming faults and errors and woes on Some Higher Power or, even in this journal, I placed all my blame on one specific person who couldn't have done what I blamed her of if she had won the lottery.
The problem is - I KNOW that one person or deity or whatever isn't responsoble for all the niggling little crap that goes on...but in my heart, I believe it. Rationally it doesn't exist. But I FEEL it.
Last night, I needed to fax a resume out. I spent an hour wrestling with the only computer with a modem to get Mixrosoft Fax installed, get it sharable on any machine, pounded it into submission. Only to find out it's not a fax modem at all.
That pissed me off. And the first thing to come across my mind? "I know you changed the modem at the last minute. I know you rendered reality so that it wasn't a faxmodem JUST to thwart me." And it pissed me off. It REALLY pissed me off. I couldn't hsake the persecution feeling, though. It was TRUE.
Today, I spent most of the day making a "permanent" Texas State Employment file for getting state jobs. Just as I was sending it, a child in the other room closed my program and corrupted the file I spent HOURS working on.
Oh, he didn't do it on purpose.
But that's not what is running through my head right now - no matter HOW Much evidence I give it.
I'm mad at him...but it was an accident. I'm just having trouble believing it's an accident.
It IS an accident, though. Logically, rationally, an accident. Logially, rationally, never was a fax modem.
But my heart refuses to believe it.
I used to get wildly irrational, blaming faults and errors and woes on Some Higher Power or, even in this journal, I placed all my blame on one specific person who couldn't have done what I blamed her of if she had won the lottery.
The problem is - I KNOW that one person or deity or whatever isn't responsoble for all the niggling little crap that goes on...but in my heart, I believe it. Rationally it doesn't exist. But I FEEL it.
Last night, I needed to fax a resume out. I spent an hour wrestling with the only computer with a modem to get Mixrosoft Fax installed, get it sharable on any machine, pounded it into submission. Only to find out it's not a fax modem at all.
That pissed me off. And the first thing to come across my mind? "I know you changed the modem at the last minute. I know you rendered reality so that it wasn't a faxmodem JUST to thwart me." And it pissed me off. It REALLY pissed me off. I couldn't hsake the persecution feeling, though. It was TRUE.
Today, I spent most of the day making a "permanent" Texas State Employment file for getting state jobs. Just as I was sending it, a child in the other room closed my program and corrupted the file I spent HOURS working on.
Oh, he didn't do it on purpose.
But that's not what is running through my head right now - no matter HOW Much evidence I give it.
I'm mad at him...but it was an accident. I'm just having trouble believing it's an accident.
It IS an accident, though. Logically, rationally, an accident. Logially, rationally, never was a fax modem.
But my heart refuses to believe it.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-10-11 05:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-10-12 08:17 am (UTC)And all I can say (FWIW) is... I know you're creative enough to find your way through to where you want to be...even feeling unfairly picked on (by Fate or whatever) as you do currently.
Still, *hugs* never hurt, eh?
no subject
Date: 2002-10-15 02:45 am (UTC)How have you been? Hadn't heard from you in a bit.