The fire swamps of C++?

[dolari]

I am weary of days and hours,
Blown buds of barren flowers,
Desires and dreams and powers,
And everything but sleep
--Algernon Charles Swinburne, "The Garden of Proserpine"

I'm sorry about the recent lack of anything substantial in my entries. Frankly, all I've really done this week is lie down and watch TV. I could not overcome my own inertia since Tuesday. I didn't realize how far I've slid until yesterday.

I have a confession to make. A very deep one. I'm definately in the throes of full blown depression (millions of readers are now saying "duh."). Deeply. To the point of not enjoying anything anymore. Where I can't stop thinking about doing a horrible thing. I will not do this horrible thing. But I can't help thinking about it.

Tuesday, I did absolutely nothing. I woke up late, slept forever, hardly got out of bed, watched TV all day. Vacated my life and lived vicariously through Battlebots. I knew I really should draw another episode of AWFW, but just couldn't motivate myself.

Wednesday was when the whole erality of my situation clicked. I was ready for another day of TV when Erin called about coming down for a visit. We were both in a bad spot, and we really could have used each others company. She fed me something that wasn't completely made of red meat and lard, I took her to an EXCELLENT view of San Antonio (which I hope will be turned into a park one day), and saw the sun for the first time in forever. We had some dinner, and a very very very long talk that night. I didn't realize how much i had burrowed into my own little world of pain and hurt and who it was who was burying me.

Me: I wish I believed in magick. I would preform a cleansing.
Erin: Would you get clean taking a bath in a mudhole?

Today was the day my brain shut down. If you want to know what htis sounds like, it makes THIS noise.

If this day was summed up it would be summed up as "See Tuesday."

But on closer inspection:
My mother has demanded money from me.
My mother asks me for information, then dismisses it constantly.
My mother bluntly tells me she is embarrassed by me.
My mother has belittled me all day.
My mother inserts herself into evey aspect of my life, whether she needs to or not.

Once, a little girl said that my mother was a scary evil looking person. Another friend of mine won't talk to her, because she's scared of her. Another pointed her out as a source of infinite evil and hate.

Coming home was a mistake. A mistake greater than any I have ever made. I'm far away from friends, minus one. I'm under the thumb of someone who is demanding that she knows best and disables me when I don't go where she leads.

I've been on the verge of crying all day. I am certain that the only cure at this point would be extensive therapy, anti-depressants. But none of that will happen without ONE thing.

I need to get out of here...out for GOOD.

I have a plan.

I will get it moving tonight.

Tomorrow, though, I will cash this check, and pick up my pills. I'll put the rest in the bank...consideing my account is closed, this will most likely not be easy. But I MUST.