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dolariOkay.
I'll admit.
The last few entries ahve been light.
But I have a very good excuse.
First off, this is my first Valentine's Day alone. Before 1997, I never celebrated it. I was Charlie Brown. From 1st to 5th grades I never got any Valentine's despite giving them out to everyone. Heck, one year I made Valentines' COOKIES and got nothing in return. So I kinda swore off of it. When I left highschool, and I got it into my head that I would be alone forever, I simply ignored Valentines day. The first time anyone got me anything (other than my parents) for Valentine's Day was 1997. That year Deener gave me a LOVELY silk top that I still use. He also got me a red rose and a yellow rose. Both of which are in a special box I still have. This is my first Valentine's Day alone without him. And it hurts. A lot. Compound that to my recent stress levels and I've gone into "bury yourself into something" mode. The something? Oh, reading up on old highways. Really. http://www.dot.state.tx.us/insdtdot/orgchart/tpp/search/query.htm I've made it from State Highway 1 to 90 or so.
The last two days I've also had some terrifying dreams. I don't have nightmares, pre se. At least not the type you wake up screaming from, or the ones that leave you terrified. Mine are more like Train Wrecks you can't pull yourself away from. OR even better. They're like the way I saw the planes smashing into the World Trade Towers. You see them, and they don't affect you when you see them. They affect you AFTER.
Wednesday Night/Thursday Morning, I had a dream that I was surrounded. I was lying in bed, in the exact position I was lying in bed in real life, but I could feel twenty or so pairs of eyes boreing into me. I was shocked to feel them,but I didn't move, and tried my best to simply ignore them. It really unnerved me, and when I woke up, I felt like I hadn't slept at all.
Thursday Night/Wednesday Morning, I dreamed I was watching a movie with friends. Specifically Star Trek the Motion Picture. At the end, when Vger exploded, I suddenly wasn't WATCHING the movie. I was omnisciently IN the movie. The explosion caused a blackhole and somehow a bit of debris hit the Enterprise and blew up the saucer section of the ship. The bridge literally "ejected" and on the viewscreen, I could see and hear the screams of people dying as they were ejected into space, and into the black hole. I watched as the rest of the ship slowly, deliberately with no power, plowed into a starbase and exploded, with the same unnerving screams and bodies being ejected. I watched as the whole starbase began to collapse and get pulled into the black hole, with people screaming and shouting specifically FOR ME. They were begging ME to help them. I watched the starbase completely "dissolve" with a final scream. The bridge, still intact was slowly being pulled into the black hole and everyone there was worried. The edge of the bridge began to buckle, and even melt as we entered and everyone tried to get away. I watched as Uhura began to melt and distort. Her legs literally melted off her body and when she reached up to grab me to pull her away, her arm was dripping away. When I DID manage to save her, her torso came clean away from hips and she dissolved in my hands. And then, I looked around and saw everyone around me screaming and begging...and all calling my name to help them.
I've been trying to simply destract myself from these last thoughts. Taking full advantage of being alone to simply indulge myself in mindless chatter and babble, doing silly stupid things that I used to do when I was alone. And trying so desperately to get away from those two dreams.
I'll admit.
The last few entries ahve been light.
But I have a very good excuse.
First off, this is my first Valentine's Day alone. Before 1997, I never celebrated it. I was Charlie Brown. From 1st to 5th grades I never got any Valentine's despite giving them out to everyone. Heck, one year I made Valentines' COOKIES and got nothing in return. So I kinda swore off of it. When I left highschool, and I got it into my head that I would be alone forever, I simply ignored Valentines day. The first time anyone got me anything (other than my parents) for Valentine's Day was 1997. That year Deener gave me a LOVELY silk top that I still use. He also got me a red rose and a yellow rose. Both of which are in a special box I still have. This is my first Valentine's Day alone without him. And it hurts. A lot. Compound that to my recent stress levels and I've gone into "bury yourself into something" mode. The something? Oh, reading up on old highways. Really. http://www.dot.state.tx.us/insdtdot/orgchart/tpp/search/query.htm I've made it from State Highway 1 to 90 or so.
The last two days I've also had some terrifying dreams. I don't have nightmares, pre se. At least not the type you wake up screaming from, or the ones that leave you terrified. Mine are more like Train Wrecks you can't pull yourself away from. OR even better. They're like the way I saw the planes smashing into the World Trade Towers. You see them, and they don't affect you when you see them. They affect you AFTER.
Wednesday Night/Thursday Morning, I had a dream that I was surrounded. I was lying in bed, in the exact position I was lying in bed in real life, but I could feel twenty or so pairs of eyes boreing into me. I was shocked to feel them,but I didn't move, and tried my best to simply ignore them. It really unnerved me, and when I woke up, I felt like I hadn't slept at all.
Thursday Night/Wednesday Morning, I dreamed I was watching a movie with friends. Specifically Star Trek the Motion Picture. At the end, when Vger exploded, I suddenly wasn't WATCHING the movie. I was omnisciently IN the movie. The explosion caused a blackhole and somehow a bit of debris hit the Enterprise and blew up the saucer section of the ship. The bridge literally "ejected" and on the viewscreen, I could see and hear the screams of people dying as they were ejected into space, and into the black hole. I watched as the rest of the ship slowly, deliberately with no power, plowed into a starbase and exploded, with the same unnerving screams and bodies being ejected. I watched as the whole starbase began to collapse and get pulled into the black hole, with people screaming and shouting specifically FOR ME. They were begging ME to help them. I watched the starbase completely "dissolve" with a final scream. The bridge, still intact was slowly being pulled into the black hole and everyone there was worried. The edge of the bridge began to buckle, and even melt as we entered and everyone tried to get away. I watched as Uhura began to melt and distort. Her legs literally melted off her body and when she reached up to grab me to pull her away, her arm was dripping away. When I DID manage to save her, her torso came clean away from hips and she dissolved in my hands. And then, I looked around and saw everyone around me screaming and begging...and all calling my name to help them.
I've been trying to simply destract myself from these last thoughts. Taking full advantage of being alone to simply indulge myself in mindless chatter and babble, doing silly stupid things that I used to do when I was alone. And trying so desperately to get away from those two dreams.
