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Apr. 2nd, 2002 03:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariFor the last two days I have been mightily annoyed, fairly obsessive, quick to anger, pissed off, angry, and frustrated.
Sure sign that my medication has finally completely and totally worn off.
And no signs of a job anytime soon.
This is completely pissing me off. No one wants to hire a freak like me. Retail work won't hire me because of a hundred issues, but never the real one: I'm not pretty, I'm not cute, I'm not even the person I present myself as. Sure they don't SAY it outloud...that would be descrimination. No they worm around it, finding things that they sayI dn't have or do...knowing full well that I do.
I don't argue, though. I've already lost the job, why antagonize everyone by saying "It's the girl thing isn't it?"
I knew going into this a decade ago it could get this way. I knew five years ago it could get this bad. I knew two years ago that this was a distinct possibility.
I didn't realize just how LONG it would get this bad.
Looking back at my life...I see that I'm EXACTLY back in 1996. I'm living at home, with openly hostile parents, with no job, no medication, no way out. Only this time, no one wants ME. LAst time I cuold get any job I wanted. Now, they see me as a freak, a freak that can't get a job picking up garbage.
It IS 1996, again. I've retreated to my room. I haven't been out all day. I don't want to be out at all. There's nothing there for me. I'm tired of waking up each day, hoping beyond hope that today will be different. That I will get a job. That I will move out. That I will get my life back on track.
Everyday that hope is crushed.
For those of you who aren't transgendered. For those of you who pass. For those of you who never ever thought of the concept. Thank whatever god you believe in. Thank Providence. Hell, if you're an athiest, thank blind chance.
This is a curse I wouldn't wish on anyone. It's a horrible existence knowing that you are a freak, and, that while friends will care, the rest of the world will be openly hostile.
I regret not blowing my brains out that cold morning. I regret a lot of things.
I am so tired of life. I am so very very tired.
(And those of you who think I'll do the worst - don't. I already tried to kill myself and failed. No point in trying again....)
Got my DVD region free with the new improved software. Yay me.
Sure sign that my medication has finally completely and totally worn off.
And no signs of a job anytime soon.
This is completely pissing me off. No one wants to hire a freak like me. Retail work won't hire me because of a hundred issues, but never the real one: I'm not pretty, I'm not cute, I'm not even the person I present myself as. Sure they don't SAY it outloud...that would be descrimination. No they worm around it, finding things that they sayI dn't have or do...knowing full well that I do.
I don't argue, though. I've already lost the job, why antagonize everyone by saying "It's the girl thing isn't it?"
I knew going into this a decade ago it could get this way. I knew five years ago it could get this bad. I knew two years ago that this was a distinct possibility.
I didn't realize just how LONG it would get this bad.
Looking back at my life...I see that I'm EXACTLY back in 1996. I'm living at home, with openly hostile parents, with no job, no medication, no way out. Only this time, no one wants ME. LAst time I cuold get any job I wanted. Now, they see me as a freak, a freak that can't get a job picking up garbage.
It IS 1996, again. I've retreated to my room. I haven't been out all day. I don't want to be out at all. There's nothing there for me. I'm tired of waking up each day, hoping beyond hope that today will be different. That I will get a job. That I will move out. That I will get my life back on track.
Everyday that hope is crushed.
For those of you who aren't transgendered. For those of you who pass. For those of you who never ever thought of the concept. Thank whatever god you believe in. Thank Providence. Hell, if you're an athiest, thank blind chance.
This is a curse I wouldn't wish on anyone. It's a horrible existence knowing that you are a freak, and, that while friends will care, the rest of the world will be openly hostile.
I regret not blowing my brains out that cold morning. I regret a lot of things.
I am so tired of life. I am so very very tired.
(And those of you who think I'll do the worst - don't. I already tried to kill myself and failed. No point in trying again....)
Got my DVD region free with the new improved software. Yay me.
