![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariA few weeks ago I took a picture of myself for a project. I was very very very very unimpressed with what I saw, and I think it's time I admit to myself I have a problem.
I've never ever been svelte. I've always been chubby except for a small time between about 1989-1995 when I used to bike like Emily did - 40 or 50 miles on the weekends, 10 to 20 miles on the weekdays. And when I wasn't svelte, I was just Big. I'd alwyas hovered near the 200 pound mark, the lowest I ever weighed as an adult was about 170 or so.
The problem begins, I think, at home. My dad eats a LOT. I remember a time when my dad finished his dinner at a Wendy's, then proceeded to "sneak" a few french fries from my sister and I until he'd ended up eating them ALL. My mom came from a poor and incredibly huge family where you ate once a day and cooked enough food to feed a small army. Put the two together, and you have a dad who likes many meals a day, and mom who only cooked gargantuan stuff. On days when dad wasn't home - one gargantuan meal a day. On days when he was home - several gargantuan meals a day.
So I've always had the bad habit of one or two BIG meals a day...this prolly wasn't good for me to begin with, but I wasn't too too fat for a good number of years. Then I started hormones. One thing Estrogen does to the biologically male body is SLOW IT THE HELL DOWN. My weight rose just from that, but again, only to the 200 or so pound mark.
So I've got "Really Slow Metabolism" + "Bad eating habits" + "sedentary lifestyle" (tech support'll do that to you).
Then came my Previous Job, and the Biggest Problem of them All. My job requirements were to work overnight with no lunch hour (we were required to work through it (and not get paid) or lose the job, which is illegal, but when you're desperate for work, you take what you can get), the job was heavily micromanaged, we were routinely given impossible job duties (We need 30,000 Zeroes added to the beginning of each of these tickets...we under stnad the ticketing system is broken so it takes two minutes to open, JUST DO IT!), and towards the end of my time there, before I quit (my options were to Quit, or Go Postal), work 50 hour weeks, then 60 hour weeks, and asked once to work a 70 hour week (with the intention that this may be permanent).
I would routinely go home late, have a big breakfast, then go straight to bed - bad idea, but with 11 hours between dinner and breakfast, one of the few I had. Then I started sneaking out in the middle of the night to get lunch for my coworkers and I...and that's when it all began. The stress had really gotten to me, and before I knew it, I had started binge eating. I'd eat a huge dinner to get me set up for the day, lunch in the middle, and a huge breakfast.
When I quit, and started my other non-stressful job, any little stress would set off a binge. Between The Previous Job in 2004 and now, four years later, I've gained well over 125 pounds, balooning to the 300 mark. I've tried the diet my doctor gave me, and when I stick to it it works - when I don't, I balloon even worse. It's now a real problem - and with diabetes and heart disease RAMPANT in my family (It's not a matter of IF you get them, but WHEN), the future isn't looking too bright.
As of March 1st, I've tried something new. I've literally trashed the food I have in my house. It hurt me to do it (see previous entries about wasting food), and only bought EXACTLY what's on my diet. I had a stationary bike for using at my desk. I'm pretty much tied to it 16 hours a day, at least I'll get excercize. Weekends when I have the chance, will be actual biking out in the (sparsley populated and very unlikely to be seen by gawkers) Hillcountry.
The problem is, the binge eating - it's getting triggered more and more by smaller and smaller things. I'm hoping not having the extra food around will make it go away, but the fast-food thing may be a problem, especially as I'm often rushed for lunch frmo work and have almost no time to cook (and that I cook terribly, which means my dinners are raw or burned).
I have have have to lose some weight. I've never liked what I see in the mirror - I like it even less now.
I've never ever been svelte. I've always been chubby except for a small time between about 1989-1995 when I used to bike like Emily did - 40 or 50 miles on the weekends, 10 to 20 miles on the weekdays. And when I wasn't svelte, I was just Big. I'd alwyas hovered near the 200 pound mark, the lowest I ever weighed as an adult was about 170 or so.
The problem begins, I think, at home. My dad eats a LOT. I remember a time when my dad finished his dinner at a Wendy's, then proceeded to "sneak" a few french fries from my sister and I until he'd ended up eating them ALL. My mom came from a poor and incredibly huge family where you ate once a day and cooked enough food to feed a small army. Put the two together, and you have a dad who likes many meals a day, and mom who only cooked gargantuan stuff. On days when dad wasn't home - one gargantuan meal a day. On days when he was home - several gargantuan meals a day.
So I've always had the bad habit of one or two BIG meals a day...this prolly wasn't good for me to begin with, but I wasn't too too fat for a good number of years. Then I started hormones. One thing Estrogen does to the biologically male body is SLOW IT THE HELL DOWN. My weight rose just from that, but again, only to the 200 or so pound mark.
So I've got "Really Slow Metabolism" + "Bad eating habits" + "sedentary lifestyle" (tech support'll do that to you).
Then came my Previous Job, and the Biggest Problem of them All. My job requirements were to work overnight with no lunch hour (we were required to work through it (and not get paid) or lose the job, which is illegal, but when you're desperate for work, you take what you can get), the job was heavily micromanaged, we were routinely given impossible job duties (We need 30,000 Zeroes added to the beginning of each of these tickets...we under stnad the ticketing system is broken so it takes two minutes to open, JUST DO IT!), and towards the end of my time there, before I quit (my options were to Quit, or Go Postal), work 50 hour weeks, then 60 hour weeks, and asked once to work a 70 hour week (with the intention that this may be permanent).
I would routinely go home late, have a big breakfast, then go straight to bed - bad idea, but with 11 hours between dinner and breakfast, one of the few I had. Then I started sneaking out in the middle of the night to get lunch for my coworkers and I...and that's when it all began. The stress had really gotten to me, and before I knew it, I had started binge eating. I'd eat a huge dinner to get me set up for the day, lunch in the middle, and a huge breakfast.
When I quit, and started my other non-stressful job, any little stress would set off a binge. Between The Previous Job in 2004 and now, four years later, I've gained well over 125 pounds, balooning to the 300 mark. I've tried the diet my doctor gave me, and when I stick to it it works - when I don't, I balloon even worse. It's now a real problem - and with diabetes and heart disease RAMPANT in my family (It's not a matter of IF you get them, but WHEN), the future isn't looking too bright.
As of March 1st, I've tried something new. I've literally trashed the food I have in my house. It hurt me to do it (see previous entries about wasting food), and only bought EXACTLY what's on my diet. I had a stationary bike for using at my desk. I'm pretty much tied to it 16 hours a day, at least I'll get excercize. Weekends when I have the chance, will be actual biking out in the (sparsley populated and very unlikely to be seen by gawkers) Hillcountry.
The problem is, the binge eating - it's getting triggered more and more by smaller and smaller things. I'm hoping not having the extra food around will make it go away, but the fast-food thing may be a problem, especially as I'm often rushed for lunch frmo work and have almost no time to cook (and that I cook terribly, which means my dinners are raw or burned).
I have have have to lose some weight. I've never liked what I see in the mirror - I like it even less now.
