(no subject)

[dolari]

Today I was helping someone through some store-closing stuff on the phones. After finishing up, I ended the call, but she never hung up. One of the things I learned when working in a call center is this is an Invitation to Slack. So I stick on the call with the mute on and start reading web pages.

"Did you hear what his name was? It's Jennifer! What kind of guy is named Jennifer?"
"I bet he dresses up like a prostitute!"
"You think he's one of those crossdressers? At work?"

This went on for about TEN MINUTES. And it wasn't just shock that I sounded like a guy, it quickly turned into teasing, insults, and lots and lots and lots of shots at my sexual activities.

Couple this with the revelation that my fellow employees laugh at me when I'm not around, my growing dissatisfaction with going outside because I invariable get laughed at and my spiraling descent into a general hatred for humans, and you have a Jenn that is quickly wondering what the hell she is going to do with her life.

In the last seven years of living with a woman I've learned the following lessons:

1) People hate you if you're even the tiniyest bit different.
2) The more different you are the harder they work and hating you.
3) If you don't give them something to hate you with, they make it up.
4) If you are different enough, they will not allow you to live.

I'm never going to be a woman. Really. I've known this since Day One. Even ifI pumped myself full of hormones (and I have) and had the surgery, at the most, I would be a cut up male. Do I REALLY want to live the next 50 years being sniped at?

You know another lesson I learned? Women hate us. It's women I've had the most problem with. They refuse to trust me, and in some cases have actively worked to get me fired from jobs. Men snicker and laugh and punch. Women scheme and plot and tease.

The alternative isn't much better. I can't go back to what I was, now that I really realize HOW miserable I was back then. But...which is more important? Survival? Or Happiness?

Should I give it all up and be unhappy, but live knowing I'll never been made fun of again? Or do I keep it and be unhappy because I'll never be accepted in life?

I'm at a really heavy crossroad. I always told myself that if I hadn't had the surgery by 30, I wasn't going to get it. I put it off a year because of the convention. But still, that's 16 years of ramming my head into the mountain hoping to make a dent. I'v eput my entire life on hold trying to get this done, and I'm not making any headway. and even if I got the srugery, the underlying problem WON'T change. I'm still ugly as sin.

I'm tired of being laughed at. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of people.

I'm seriously debating wether I should cancel my convention appearance. I'm not sure if I want to present a target anymore. Especially not in North Carolina.

I dunno. I'm in a funk. A heavy one, too. I need some time to think". I need some time to at least calm down.

"You want to give it up?" "You know I can't...it's too sweet."

AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO KEEP EMAILING WHEN I DISABLE COMMENTS, I DISABLE THEM FOR A REASON. DO NOT EMAIL ME ON THIS. DO NOT COMMENT ON OTHER ENTRIES ABOUT THIS. I'M VENTING. VENTING DOES NOT MEAN CONVERSATION.