The fire swamps of C++?

[dolari]

I am weary of days and hours,
Blown buds of barren flowers,
Desires and dreams and powers,
And everything but sleep
--Algernon Charles Swinburne, "The Garden of Proserpine"

I'm sorry about the recent lack of anything substantial in my entries. Frankly, all I've really done this week is lie down and watch TV. I could not overcome my own inertia since Tuesday. I didn't realize how far I've slid until yesterday.

I have a confession to make. A very deep one. I'm definately in the throes of full blown depression (millions of readers are now saying "duh."). Deeply. To the point of not enjoying anything anymore. Where I can't stop thinking about doing a horrible thing. I will not do this horrible thing. But I can't help thinking about it.

Tuesday, I did absolutely nothing. I woke up late, slept forever, hardly got out of bed, watched TV all day. Vacated my life and lived vicariously through Battlebots. I knew I really should draw another episode of AWFW, but just couldn't motivate myself.

Wednesday was when the whole erality of my situation clicked. I was ready for another day of TV when Erin called about coming down for a visit. We were both in a bad spot, and we really could have used each others company. She fed me something that wasn't completely made of red meat and lard, I took her to an EXCELLENT view of San Antonio (which I hope will be turned into a park one day), and saw the sun for the first time in forever. We had some dinner, and a very very very long talk that night. I didn't realize how much i had burrowed into my own little world of pain and hurt and who it was who was burying me.

Me: I wish I believed in magick. I would preform a cleansing.
Erin: Would you get clean taking a bath in a mudhole?

Today was the day my brain shut down. If you want to know what htis sounds like, it makes THIS noise.

If this day was summed up it would be summed up as "See Tuesday."

But on closer inspection:
My mother has demanded money from me.
My mother asks me for information, then dismisses it constantly.
My mother bluntly tells me she is embarrassed by me.
My mother has belittled me all day.
My mother inserts herself into evey aspect of my life, whether she needs to or not.

Once, a little girl said that my mother was a scary evil looking person. Another friend of mine won't talk to her, because she's scared of her. Another pointed her out as a source of infinite evil and hate.

Coming home was a mistake. A mistake greater than any I have ever made. I'm far away from friends, minus one. I'm under the thumb of someone who is demanding that she knows best and disables me when I don't go where she leads.

I've been on the verge of crying all day. I am certain that the only cure at this point would be extensive therapy, anti-depressants. But none of that will happen without ONE thing.

I need to get out of here...out for GOOD.

I have a plan.

I will get it moving tonight.

Tomorrow, though, I will cash this check, and pick up my pills. I'll put the rest in the bank...consideing my account is closed, this will most likely not be easy. But I MUST.

Comments

=(

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

I hope you hang in there and get your plan in action. I am so sorry to hear that you are in a bad funk. I have been there before and it is a very scary place to be, please don't hesitate to write or icq me if you need to just bounce some stuff off or if I can offer and soloution focused suggestions. I had to redo my icq for the new computer so if I will go and put your name on now, check in when you have the time, I amy need a re authorization.
*tight hugs*

Re: =(

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

One day, I'm gonna meet ya, and I'm gonna giveya the great big hug I owe you. It gets bigger everytime you help pick me up. :)

I'll be outta here by next week, at the latest...things WILL Turn aruond, if I have to grab fate by the neck and slap him around a bit. :)

Re: =(

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

if fate is male is destiny a female? or are they one and the same?

I am glad to hear you are getting out of there. I send you all the good ju ju I have hiding amongst the fluff in the pocket of my housecoat.:D

Re: =(

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

Dunno abot Fate and Destiny....

I've always seen fate as a male, who is there at the end of your life...like an Angel of Death, and Destiny as a female who guides you TO Fate.

I do know that Faith, Hope and Charity are females. We'll see them in Tilted Halo. :)

[elenderel.livejournal.com]

Oh Jenn, I wish there was something I could do to help ya ... you're right, you gotta get outta there, go anywhere -- your spirit is too precious to destroy!

I'll be around on ICQ off and on all weekend, please, please pester me, okay?