Growing up Trans - False Start
Oct. 18th, 2011 07:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariGrowing up Trans - False Start
Growing Up Trans Chapters:
Preschool - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2238402.html
Elementary School - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2238626.html
The Nightmare of Fifth Grade (NSFW, and a bit TMI) - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2238939.html
Middle School - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2239155.html
High school - Year 1 & 2 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2239578.html
High school - Year 3 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2240215.html
High school - Year 4 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2241302.html
Opening up to a Whole New World - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2242118.html
The Boulton and Park Society - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2243005.html
The Birth of Jenn Dolari - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2243105.html
Life with Geri - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2244596.html
DISCLAIMER: If there's anything I've learned from this retrospective, it's that people change. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. The actions described here, including my own, are of people who lived in the late 90s. These are not the same people who exist fifteen years later.
Information Super Highway OffRamp
So, The Plan. You remember the plan, right? Let's see how we're doing:
1)Move the heck out by 1992. COMPLETE 1996
2)Six months of psychotherapy for hormoneby 1992 ABORTED 1993
3) Two years of Real Life Test as a woman started by1994 Soon!
4) Surgery by 1999.
Not exactly the timeframe I had. But at least I'd finally completed step 1.
Being on my own left me completely free to do what I wanted...mostly. I only worked four hours a night, but I worked every night. I went to bed at 8AM, woke up at 4PM, leaving the whole afternoon and evening to myself.
My place wasn't a palace, a small 350 square foot studio with a very large asbestos warning in the lease, but it was cheap, and it was mine. And far enough away from home that I could be myself in peace. After so many years of sneaking and snooping and going behind backs and depending on friends - I could finally be myself in peace.
I'd started letting my hair grow long. I let my nails grow. I shaved my fur pelt off. I was a woman for weeks at a time (minus the few hours of work). I felt great.
But, you see, I'd always had friends help me with the care and maintenance of my femininity. My hair grew...but it matted and split badly. My nails grew, but they chipped and tore. And no one ever told me that shaved skin itches like nobody's business.
And that peace didn't really last very long. I live about six miles from my parents, a good bit away, but not unreachable. And, honestly, I'd based my apartment location on wether or not I got the Sci fi Channel in that area. I couldn't live in COMPLETE brutality. But I was still within a few miles drive of my parents. And mom came over. Every. Single. Day.
I had a giant walk in closet, but no bedroom, so I converted the closet into the bedroom (it had an AC vent for some reason). I'd walk in at 8AM, sleep, and wake up at 4 to find all my dishes done, a pile of clean laundry on the bed, and many times, a dinner waiting for me. Mom doesn't like letting the apron strings go. But I also felt, there was a something more to it. I was being told "I am still watching you."
But this was my place, my rules, and finally, my gender. I could be what I needed to be, I had work, which didn't pay much, but at least got me started, and plenty of spare time to refine my craft.
By this time the online Jenn Dolari was experiencing her first wave of populaity as That Mortal Kombat girl. There had been a few inquiries as to wether I was who I said I was, but in general no one was the wiser. There were a few moments when a troll on the Mortal Kombat newsgroup was outted as a guy, and I hung back and stayed low, but I was enjoying the popularity, and, honestly, the attention this virtual female extension was getting.
In fact, it attracted the attention of a beau. Well, specifically many many potential suitors (there's an extinct newsgroup out there called alt.fan.jenn-dolari.wedding-proposals, for just such an occasion). But one in particular was fun to talk to, and we talked most every night via YTALK (this were the pre IM days of the internet).
Then one day, he had a confession to make. He was trans. Specifically Female to Male.
::blink::
Uh.
::blink blink::
I was much too protective of the online persona to ruin it by outing myself to someone who might just be getting in good to post "JENN DOLARI'S A DUDE!" on the newsgroup. Michael, as he called himself, was very careful but earnest about how he approached his situation, and I, in a fit of protection, lied like a kid with a mouthful of candy.
"That's really neat. You see I have this...friend over here...named MARLENE. She's M2F, you know. Why don't you talk to HER. I think she'd appreciate it." I don't think I fooled him one whit, but I was a writer, and I knew how to write in different "voices." So I dutifully used an old EMail address and "Marlene" and Michael got to know each other, keeping Jenn Dolari safe for more Mortal Kombat chatting.
Shortly before I moved in, I'd also learned abotu the AOL Gazebo, an area for transgender support, which is where I met Gwen Smith. Again, protecting Jenn Dolari, I created another account, "Yellow Dancer" (2000 quatloos if you get that reference). This became my virtual replacement for the now defunct Boulton and Park, and I met many many many more transmen and women. Some even in my are.
One was someone I'd known in summer school. ;)
And after a while "Marlene" and Michael became friends, Gwen and Yellow became friends. And then I spilled the beans that Jenn and Marlene/Yellow were the same person. and they already knew (cause I'm not nearly as sneaky as I think I am).
Eventually, Michael and Jenn became very close, and fell in love. I wasn't sure how to feel about that. During my early adolescence, any attraction I had to women had a very strong "THIS IS WRONG" feel to it. As I came to accept my own femininity, that feeling slowly went away, and attraction to women felt much more normal. Probably because I was thinking less as a heterosexual guy and more of a bisexual woman.
When it came to boys however, there was no "THIS IS WRONG." I just didn't want much to do with them, period. But as I became more and more accepting of my femininity again, that eased as well. A nice looking guy was just as good as a nice looking gal by 1996.
But I'd never really DATED a guy. I'd spent so much time diving into the world of women, that I didn't know what to really expect out of a relationship with a guy. This was a lot of untapped territory. And on top of that, my beau was F2M. Would my body envy issues get in the way? Would they make HIS situation worse being stuck in there? We talked long long hours getting to know each other. He was very much a sweet gentleman, and if they were all like this, I could kinda see why girls like 'em.
We took the plunge and declared our love on August 25th. "Dammit Day" as we called it. If there were issues, we'd tackle them as they came.
The first was, he was in Pennsylvania. I was in Texas.
First, a visit was in order, to meet my new beau face to face. I couldn't really do that, though, as I worked every day (literally, every single day for a year and a half without a day off). My workplace obliged me by having to work really hard to screw me out of a job (no, I'm not bitter). So that pesky job was out of the way.
Dave had since broken up with JD, and just happened to be going to Pennsylvania to visit his new girlfriend, and was looking for someone to share a trip with. And so I dipped into my surgery savings, and went to visit my new boyfriend.
We drove two days, to stay two days, and drive back two days. The trip was a LOT of fun, and I got to meet my new beau, and his family, who lived in a slice of 1950s Americana that never died. It was a sweet weekend filled with love, roses and Arch Deluxes. Just as we were leaving, he gave me a rose. I still have that rose.
I needed to get back there.
With the loss of my job, I tried hard to find another, but couldn't find anything I was suited for. My surgery savings wasn't substantial, and was draining fast as I paid my rent and utilities while searching. By the end of my lease, I was out of cash, and had to move back home.
And then Geri died.
Geri was an older woman, and had health issues, the last one being cancer. She went from being well, to in surgery, to dead in only a week, and it was frightening to see her pass so quickly.
Staying with my family didn't last long. Things still weren't going well between my mother and I. I rankled at her attempts to keep an eye on me, as I felt she was policing my life and making sure I wasn't dressing up at the one place I could do it. Now I was back home, and that felt even more in force. I'd just gone from a place of complete freedom to sneaking around again. I didn't want that.
I was forced to run an all night errand for my mom on the night of Geri's funeral. After mentioning it several times, and trying to get out, a situation was set up to keep me from going by being forced to run an errand in a 120 mile round trip. That was the last straw.
I moved to Pennsylvania that next weekend.
Growing Up Trans Chapters:
Preschool - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2238402.html
Elementary School - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2238626.html
The Nightmare of Fifth Grade (NSFW, and a bit TMI) - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2238939.html
Middle School - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2239155.html
High school - Year 1 & 2 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2239578.html
High school - Year 3 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2240215.html
High school - Year 4 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2241302.html
Opening up to a Whole New World - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2242118.html
The Boulton and Park Society - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2243005.html
The Birth of Jenn Dolari - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2243105.html
Life with Geri - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2244596.html
DISCLAIMER: If there's anything I've learned from this retrospective, it's that people change. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. The actions described here, including my own, are of people who lived in the late 90s. These are not the same people who exist fifteen years later.
Information Super Highway OffRamp
So, The Plan. You remember the plan, right? Let's see how we're doing:
1)
2)
3) Two years of Real Life Test as a woman started by
4) Surgery by 1999.
Not exactly the timeframe I had. But at least I'd finally completed step 1.
Being on my own left me completely free to do what I wanted...mostly. I only worked four hours a night, but I worked every night. I went to bed at 8AM, woke up at 4PM, leaving the whole afternoon and evening to myself.
My place wasn't a palace, a small 350 square foot studio with a very large asbestos warning in the lease, but it was cheap, and it was mine. And far enough away from home that I could be myself in peace. After so many years of sneaking and snooping and going behind backs and depending on friends - I could finally be myself in peace.
I'd started letting my hair grow long. I let my nails grow. I shaved my fur pelt off. I was a woman for weeks at a time (minus the few hours of work). I felt great.
But, you see, I'd always had friends help me with the care and maintenance of my femininity. My hair grew...but it matted and split badly. My nails grew, but they chipped and tore. And no one ever told me that shaved skin itches like nobody's business.
And that peace didn't really last very long. I live about six miles from my parents, a good bit away, but not unreachable. And, honestly, I'd based my apartment location on wether or not I got the Sci fi Channel in that area. I couldn't live in COMPLETE brutality. But I was still within a few miles drive of my parents. And mom came over. Every. Single. Day.
I had a giant walk in closet, but no bedroom, so I converted the closet into the bedroom (it had an AC vent for some reason). I'd walk in at 8AM, sleep, and wake up at 4 to find all my dishes done, a pile of clean laundry on the bed, and many times, a dinner waiting for me. Mom doesn't like letting the apron strings go. But I also felt, there was a something more to it. I was being told "I am still watching you."
But this was my place, my rules, and finally, my gender. I could be what I needed to be, I had work, which didn't pay much, but at least got me started, and plenty of spare time to refine my craft.
By this time the online Jenn Dolari was experiencing her first wave of populaity as That Mortal Kombat girl. There had been a few inquiries as to wether I was who I said I was, but in general no one was the wiser. There were a few moments when a troll on the Mortal Kombat newsgroup was outted as a guy, and I hung back and stayed low, but I was enjoying the popularity, and, honestly, the attention this virtual female extension was getting.
In fact, it attracted the attention of a beau. Well, specifically many many potential suitors (there's an extinct newsgroup out there called alt.fan.jenn-dolari.wedding-proposals, for just such an occasion). But one in particular was fun to talk to, and we talked most every night via YTALK (this were the pre IM days of the internet).
Then one day, he had a confession to make. He was trans. Specifically Female to Male.
::blink::
Uh.
::blink blink::
I was much too protective of the online persona to ruin it by outing myself to someone who might just be getting in good to post "JENN DOLARI'S A DUDE!" on the newsgroup. Michael, as he called himself, was very careful but earnest about how he approached his situation, and I, in a fit of protection, lied like a kid with a mouthful of candy.
"That's really neat. You see I have this...friend over here...named MARLENE. She's M2F, you know. Why don't you talk to HER. I think she'd appreciate it." I don't think I fooled him one whit, but I was a writer, and I knew how to write in different "voices." So I dutifully used an old EMail address and "Marlene" and Michael got to know each other, keeping Jenn Dolari safe for more Mortal Kombat chatting.
Shortly before I moved in, I'd also learned abotu the AOL Gazebo, an area for transgender support, which is where I met Gwen Smith. Again, protecting Jenn Dolari, I created another account, "Yellow Dancer" (2000 quatloos if you get that reference). This became my virtual replacement for the now defunct Boulton and Park, and I met many many many more transmen and women. Some even in my are.
One was someone I'd known in summer school. ;)
And after a while "Marlene" and Michael became friends, Gwen and Yellow became friends. And then I spilled the beans that Jenn and Marlene/Yellow were the same person. and they already knew (cause I'm not nearly as sneaky as I think I am).
Eventually, Michael and Jenn became very close, and fell in love. I wasn't sure how to feel about that. During my early adolescence, any attraction I had to women had a very strong "THIS IS WRONG" feel to it. As I came to accept my own femininity, that feeling slowly went away, and attraction to women felt much more normal. Probably because I was thinking less as a heterosexual guy and more of a bisexual woman.
When it came to boys however, there was no "THIS IS WRONG." I just didn't want much to do with them, period. But as I became more and more accepting of my femininity again, that eased as well. A nice looking guy was just as good as a nice looking gal by 1996.
But I'd never really DATED a guy. I'd spent so much time diving into the world of women, that I didn't know what to really expect out of a relationship with a guy. This was a lot of untapped territory. And on top of that, my beau was F2M. Would my body envy issues get in the way? Would they make HIS situation worse being stuck in there? We talked long long hours getting to know each other. He was very much a sweet gentleman, and if they were all like this, I could kinda see why girls like 'em.
We took the plunge and declared our love on August 25th. "Dammit Day" as we called it. If there were issues, we'd tackle them as they came.
The first was, he was in Pennsylvania. I was in Texas.
First, a visit was in order, to meet my new beau face to face. I couldn't really do that, though, as I worked every day (literally, every single day for a year and a half without a day off). My workplace obliged me by having to work really hard to screw me out of a job (no, I'm not bitter). So that pesky job was out of the way.
Dave had since broken up with JD, and just happened to be going to Pennsylvania to visit his new girlfriend, and was looking for someone to share a trip with. And so I dipped into my surgery savings, and went to visit my new boyfriend.
We drove two days, to stay two days, and drive back two days. The trip was a LOT of fun, and I got to meet my new beau, and his family, who lived in a slice of 1950s Americana that never died. It was a sweet weekend filled with love, roses and Arch Deluxes. Just as we were leaving, he gave me a rose. I still have that rose.
I needed to get back there.
With the loss of my job, I tried hard to find another, but couldn't find anything I was suited for. My surgery savings wasn't substantial, and was draining fast as I paid my rent and utilities while searching. By the end of my lease, I was out of cash, and had to move back home.
And then Geri died.
Geri was an older woman, and had health issues, the last one being cancer. She went from being well, to in surgery, to dead in only a week, and it was frightening to see her pass so quickly.
Staying with my family didn't last long. Things still weren't going well between my mother and I. I rankled at her attempts to keep an eye on me, as I felt she was policing my life and making sure I wasn't dressing up at the one place I could do it. Now I was back home, and that felt even more in force. I'd just gone from a place of complete freedom to sneaking around again. I didn't want that.
I was forced to run an all night errand for my mom on the night of Geri's funeral. After mentioning it several times, and trying to get out, a situation was set up to keep me from going by being forced to run an errand in a 120 mile round trip. That was the last straw.
I moved to Pennsylvania that next weekend.
