Growing Up Trans - Lone Star Falling
Oct. 21st, 2011 12:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariIn our last exciting episode of the Increasingly misnamed "Growing Up Trans" our heroine was living life as a woman in Austin, Texas, and had just started hormones, just as a major computer company had head-hunted her. She turned down a life of creating brochures and documents, to live the life of a technical support rep, in hopes of finding her fortune.
My time at the second computer company was a joy. I spent most of the day writing EMail responses and listening to music all day. I was, by this point, very comfortable in my new role as a woman and doing so well. Michael came down later in the year, and, after a quick visit to my old Transgender Gazebo support group haunts, met a new trans friend in the area, Erin, who lived not too too far away, and with her a whole new gigantic nexus of friends.
The Plan, was on track, everything was good to go:
The Plan as of 2000:
1)Move out by 1992. Completed 1996. Recompleted 1997.
2)Six months of therapy for hormones by 1993. Self-destructed 1993 completed 1998.
2a)Actually start hormones 2000
3) Two years of living as a woman startedby 1994. in 1999.
4) Surgery in1999, 2001, 2003
I'd taken the job with the computer company in 2000 because I wanted to rebuild my surgery money which had been repeatedly drained from the moves and lost jobs. The dot.com bubble was in full swing, and a cushy job that paid well was the way to rebuild it. In a few short months, my savings had exploded and we were quickly on our way towards surgery money. Soon, I would get my surgery letter from the therapist, and it looked like I was right on time for my 2003 surgery date.
If this was a fairytale, it's right around here that you say "And they lived happily ever after." But, in 2001, everything fell apart.
The first sign of the shit hitting the fan was a dinner with my family where I wanted to announce my plans to have my surgery. Erin, Michael and I took them out to a dinner. While we had a nice night, the actual announcement went badly. Of course the usual card of "I thought this was just a phase" was played, and when I showed them my new driver's license with my new name, and social security...they were not happy. Any real progress I'd made in the last few years flew out the window.
As an aside, I actually had trouble getting my driver's license switched over to my new name. When I went to the DMV with my name change papers, I asked one of the tellers who assigned you a line where I needed to go to get my name changed. The teller refused to do it, saying that I needed a court order to get my name changed. When I showed it to her, she angrily said "We only do it for marriage licenses." Her coworker just looked at her like she'd sprouted three heads, walked over and pulled her away from the line by the shoulders, gently, but firmly.
"I'll take care of this." She actually pulled me to an aisle all on my own, apologized for her, and promptly changed my name on the card.
Back to our story, the following weekend, Michael came out to me and told me he'd been seeing someone else. I felt betrayed beyond belief. I told him he had a place to stay here, but I wanted him out. He moved out very shortly afterwards.
Just a few days after he moved out, I lost my job at the computer company in their first ever layoff. The dot.com bubble had burst.
And then I killed my pet fish.
In all - it was a rough few weeks.
I had some substantial savings, and began living off that while I looked for work, but work was nowhere to be found. Everyone was laying off left and right in Austin and the 7-Elevens and convenience stores were flooded with technical support reps selling slurpees and hotdogs. After the disasterous meeting with my parents, I couldn't move back in. The hormones were expensive and involved a 160 mile round trip drive once a month. Rent on my own was more expensive. It wasn't long before my savings were completely drained yet again.
Shortly before I moved out of the apartment, my father came up because he needed to borrow my truck. He came up alone, and we had dinner together. It was then that I realized he was on my side. We were driving back to the apartment, when he told me "You're happier than I've ever seen you in years. If this is what makes you happy, then I'm happy for you." This just came out of nowhere and left me dumbstruck. "I don't have to march in any parades...do I?" After this, he pronouned me as a woman, but only when we were alone.
I took this as a good sign, and moved back in with my parents, while I waited out the dot.com failure.
The Plan as of 2001:
1)Move out by 1992. Completed 1996. Recompleted 1997 Failed, 2001.
2)Six months of therapy for hormones by 1993. Self-destructed 1993 completed 1998.
2a)Actually start hormones 2000.
3)Two years of living as a woman started by 1994. finished in 2001.
3a) Actually get the surgery papers...eventually.
4) Surgery in1999, 2001, 2003 ...eventually.
So, I moved home. But my dad's newfound support did not extend to my mother. In fact, my mother became very hostile.
DISCLAIMER: If there's anything I've learned from this retrospective, it's that people change. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. The actions described here, including my own, are of people who lived in the early 2000s. These are not the same people who exist ten years later.
I found myself shunted into my room, where I was gently, but firmly, encouraged not to come out. Especially when family was over. I was okay with this at first, because I would move out as soon as possible, but things began locking down more and more. Transportation dried up, so I couldn't go anywhere. My mother's watchful eye was ever present as well. She was not happy. And neither would I be.
Things got worse and worse, and more and more locked down and harder to move. I felt isolated and alone. And so I began to draw, while waiting for callbacks. A Wish for Wings, a metaphorical retelling of my want to be an artist was published at the end of the year . Closetspace followed quickly afterwards. They were an escape from a world that was rapidly collapsing around me. I'd gotten so close to the summit of the mountain, and was avalanching back down.
I had the internet, though - and through those channels, my friends were kept up with what was going on. Erin came to my rescue.
Over the year I kew her, Erin and her family had become the best friends I'd had in Austin. We had much in common, and I got along with her family extremely well. She'd determined a way to have her surgery by this summer, and she'd need to have someone take care of the house, and possibly her, while she recovered. This would get me out of the house, and into a more favorable environment.
I moved in in the spring of 2002, and basically became the housekeeper. They did pay me, and I did my best. The house was easy to keep, taking care of their diabetic son was fun, and still had all my internet access for looking for jobs, publishing webcomics and getting donations.
As her surgery date got closer and closer, I began to feel uneasy. I was happy for Erin, but at the same time, I was one year away from my delayed deadline for surgery. As the time got closer, I was more and more anxious. I just tried to keep moving forward. She'd need us in the future, and I couldn't be preoccupied with this uneasiness.
I dropped her off at the airport, and off she flew.
And she came right back, freshly reconfigured, and spent the next few days healing (then, after realizing the extent of her surgery, the next few WEEKS). She'd had her own written diary of hte experience, and wanted it typed up for her journal, so I took the time to transcribe it online while she was sleeping, or while I wasn't cleaning. The more I typed, the more uneasy (and sometimes angry) I felt. 2003 was coming up. That should have been me.
Time passed, and still, I had no work. I'd begun to overstay my welcome. I was feeling more and more jealous of Erin, and started to resent what she'd done. I knew I was in trouble when she was telling me that she felt very depressed that her surgery had kept her out of action at work for so long, and I had to fake empathy, and swallow my anger.
Come October, I'd managed to find work. It was a long haul from Erin's house. At the same time, Michael had left the woman who had replaced me, and he offered to take me in so I was closer to work. In the middle of the night, I took the cowardly way out. I up and left, and didn't speak with Erin for a while afterwards.
I seriously damaged a very good relationship with her and her family, in what would become a recurring nightmare: I was being denied my surgery while others were getting theirs left and right. And I would get very angry over it. Repeatedly.
Erin and I repaired the relationship, but it wasn't as deep or as close as before. I miss it.
I started work for a game company in Austin, and they immediately took to my work ethic and schedule. Within weeks, I was their number one tech. There was talk of hiring me, after Christmas, with a substantial pay raise. Again, a chance to rebuild my surgery nest egg.
But all it took was one woman who decided That Man Needed To Be Taught A Lesson.
There was a woman there who was giving me a terrible stink-eye anytime I came in the door. If I was assigned next to her, she would suddenly claim she had to go home because she was sick. She constantly laughed at me with her gaggle of friends. She wanted me gone. So she complained about me, and saying I was doing "wierd" things in the women's restroom.
The temp agency said I had to use the men's room. I told the temp agency I would not as I hadn't been a man since 1997. They let me go. She laughed as I packed. I filed an OSHA and EEOC report on the company. Both came back with no findings of fault on their part. Unemployment denied.
Months passed, I found yet another job, this time just filling out accident reports for the Department of Transportation. Someone there also decided That Man Needed To Taught a Lesson. This time it took only four hours for a woman to say I'd sexually harassed her in the bathroom. I used it once, and I was alone. I was given a choice: Quit, or be charged with Sexual Harassment.
Seeing as OSHA and EEOC did nothing before, I didn't even try. Unemployment denied.
It was now mid 2003 - my original deadline for surgery in 2003 was half over. It was time to really think about my future, and how badly things had gone in the last two years.
1)Move out by 1992. Completed 1996. Recompleted 1997 Re-recompleted 2002.
2)Six months of therapy for hormones by 1993. Self-destructed 1993 completed 1998.
2a)Actually start hormones 2000.
3)Two years of living as a woman started by 1994. finished in 2001.
3a) Actually get the surgery papers...eventually.
4) Surgery in1999, 2001, 2003, eventually whenever.
Things were bad. I was seriously considering de-transitioning at this point, just to get and mantain a job here I could rebuild my finances, and get back on some kind of track.
I ended up making a deal with the devil to try to get out of the pit I was in.
Growing Up Trans Chapters:
Preschool - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2238402.html
Elementary School - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2238626.html
The Nightmare of Fifth Grade (NSFW) - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2238939.html
Middle School - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2239155.html
High school - Year 1 & 2 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2239578.html
High school - Year 3 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2240215.html
High school - Year 4 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2241302.html
Opening up to a Whole New World - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2242118.html
Intermission #1 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2245139.html
The Boulton and Park Society - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2243005.html
The Birth of Jenn Dolari - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2243105.html
Life with Geri - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2244596.html
False Starts - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2244834.html
New Name, New Home - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2245871.html
The Real Life Test - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2246452.html
First Impressions - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2246872.html
Lone Star Rising - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2247894.html
My Chemical Romance (NSFW) - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2248223.html
My time at the second computer company was a joy. I spent most of the day writing EMail responses and listening to music all day. I was, by this point, very comfortable in my new role as a woman and doing so well. Michael came down later in the year, and, after a quick visit to my old Transgender Gazebo support group haunts, met a new trans friend in the area, Erin, who lived not too too far away, and with her a whole new gigantic nexus of friends.
The Plan, was on track, everything was good to go:
The Plan as of 2000:
1)
2)
2a)
3) Two years of living as a woman started
4) Surgery in
I'd taken the job with the computer company in 2000 because I wanted to rebuild my surgery money which had been repeatedly drained from the moves and lost jobs. The dot.com bubble was in full swing, and a cushy job that paid well was the way to rebuild it. In a few short months, my savings had exploded and we were quickly on our way towards surgery money. Soon, I would get my surgery letter from the therapist, and it looked like I was right on time for my 2003 surgery date.
If this was a fairytale, it's right around here that you say "And they lived happily ever after." But, in 2001, everything fell apart.
The first sign of the shit hitting the fan was a dinner with my family where I wanted to announce my plans to have my surgery. Erin, Michael and I took them out to a dinner. While we had a nice night, the actual announcement went badly. Of course the usual card of "I thought this was just a phase" was played, and when I showed them my new driver's license with my new name, and social security...they were not happy. Any real progress I'd made in the last few years flew out the window.
As an aside, I actually had trouble getting my driver's license switched over to my new name. When I went to the DMV with my name change papers, I asked one of the tellers who assigned you a line where I needed to go to get my name changed. The teller refused to do it, saying that I needed a court order to get my name changed. When I showed it to her, she angrily said "We only do it for marriage licenses." Her coworker just looked at her like she'd sprouted three heads, walked over and pulled her away from the line by the shoulders, gently, but firmly.
"I'll take care of this." She actually pulled me to an aisle all on my own, apologized for her, and promptly changed my name on the card.
Back to our story, the following weekend, Michael came out to me and told me he'd been seeing someone else. I felt betrayed beyond belief. I told him he had a place to stay here, but I wanted him out. He moved out very shortly afterwards.
Just a few days after he moved out, I lost my job at the computer company in their first ever layoff. The dot.com bubble had burst.
And then I killed my pet fish.
In all - it was a rough few weeks.
I had some substantial savings, and began living off that while I looked for work, but work was nowhere to be found. Everyone was laying off left and right in Austin and the 7-Elevens and convenience stores were flooded with technical support reps selling slurpees and hotdogs. After the disasterous meeting with my parents, I couldn't move back in. The hormones were expensive and involved a 160 mile round trip drive once a month. Rent on my own was more expensive. It wasn't long before my savings were completely drained yet again.
Shortly before I moved out of the apartment, my father came up because he needed to borrow my truck. He came up alone, and we had dinner together. It was then that I realized he was on my side. We were driving back to the apartment, when he told me "You're happier than I've ever seen you in years. If this is what makes you happy, then I'm happy for you." This just came out of nowhere and left me dumbstruck. "I don't have to march in any parades...do I?" After this, he pronouned me as a woman, but only when we were alone.
I took this as a good sign, and moved back in with my parents, while I waited out the dot.com failure.
The Plan as of 2001:
1)
2)
2a)
3)
3a) Actually get the surgery papers...eventually.
4) Surgery in
So, I moved home. But my dad's newfound support did not extend to my mother. In fact, my mother became very hostile.
DISCLAIMER: If there's anything I've learned from this retrospective, it's that people change. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. The actions described here, including my own, are of people who lived in the early 2000s. These are not the same people who exist ten years later.
I found myself shunted into my room, where I was gently, but firmly, encouraged not to come out. Especially when family was over. I was okay with this at first, because I would move out as soon as possible, but things began locking down more and more. Transportation dried up, so I couldn't go anywhere. My mother's watchful eye was ever present as well. She was not happy. And neither would I be.
Things got worse and worse, and more and more locked down and harder to move. I felt isolated and alone. And so I began to draw, while waiting for callbacks. A Wish for Wings, a metaphorical retelling of my want to be an artist was published at the end of the year . Closetspace followed quickly afterwards. They were an escape from a world that was rapidly collapsing around me. I'd gotten so close to the summit of the mountain, and was avalanching back down.
I had the internet, though - and through those channels, my friends were kept up with what was going on. Erin came to my rescue.
Over the year I kew her, Erin and her family had become the best friends I'd had in Austin. We had much in common, and I got along with her family extremely well. She'd determined a way to have her surgery by this summer, and she'd need to have someone take care of the house, and possibly her, while she recovered. This would get me out of the house, and into a more favorable environment.
I moved in in the spring of 2002, and basically became the housekeeper. They did pay me, and I did my best. The house was easy to keep, taking care of their diabetic son was fun, and still had all my internet access for looking for jobs, publishing webcomics and getting donations.
As her surgery date got closer and closer, I began to feel uneasy. I was happy for Erin, but at the same time, I was one year away from my delayed deadline for surgery. As the time got closer, I was more and more anxious. I just tried to keep moving forward. She'd need us in the future, and I couldn't be preoccupied with this uneasiness.
I dropped her off at the airport, and off she flew.
And she came right back, freshly reconfigured, and spent the next few days healing (then, after realizing the extent of her surgery, the next few WEEKS). She'd had her own written diary of hte experience, and wanted it typed up for her journal, so I took the time to transcribe it online while she was sleeping, or while I wasn't cleaning. The more I typed, the more uneasy (and sometimes angry) I felt. 2003 was coming up. That should have been me.
Time passed, and still, I had no work. I'd begun to overstay my welcome. I was feeling more and more jealous of Erin, and started to resent what she'd done. I knew I was in trouble when she was telling me that she felt very depressed that her surgery had kept her out of action at work for so long, and I had to fake empathy, and swallow my anger.
Come October, I'd managed to find work. It was a long haul from Erin's house. At the same time, Michael had left the woman who had replaced me, and he offered to take me in so I was closer to work. In the middle of the night, I took the cowardly way out. I up and left, and didn't speak with Erin for a while afterwards.
I seriously damaged a very good relationship with her and her family, in what would become a recurring nightmare: I was being denied my surgery while others were getting theirs left and right. And I would get very angry over it. Repeatedly.
Erin and I repaired the relationship, but it wasn't as deep or as close as before. I miss it.
I started work for a game company in Austin, and they immediately took to my work ethic and schedule. Within weeks, I was their number one tech. There was talk of hiring me, after Christmas, with a substantial pay raise. Again, a chance to rebuild my surgery nest egg.
But all it took was one woman who decided That Man Needed To Be Taught A Lesson.
There was a woman there who was giving me a terrible stink-eye anytime I came in the door. If I was assigned next to her, she would suddenly claim she had to go home because she was sick. She constantly laughed at me with her gaggle of friends. She wanted me gone. So she complained about me, and saying I was doing "wierd" things in the women's restroom.
The temp agency said I had to use the men's room. I told the temp agency I would not as I hadn't been a man since 1997. They let me go. She laughed as I packed. I filed an OSHA and EEOC report on the company. Both came back with no findings of fault on their part. Unemployment denied.
Months passed, I found yet another job, this time just filling out accident reports for the Department of Transportation. Someone there also decided That Man Needed To Taught a Lesson. This time it took only four hours for a woman to say I'd sexually harassed her in the bathroom. I used it once, and I was alone. I was given a choice: Quit, or be charged with Sexual Harassment.
Seeing as OSHA and EEOC did nothing before, I didn't even try. Unemployment denied.
It was now mid 2003 - my original deadline for surgery in 2003 was half over. It was time to really think about my future, and how badly things had gone in the last two years.
1)
2)
2a)
3)
3a) Actually get the surgery papers...eventually.
4) Surgery in
Things were bad. I was seriously considering de-transitioning at this point, just to get and mantain a job here I could rebuild my finances, and get back on some kind of track.
I ended up making a deal with the devil to try to get out of the pit I was in.
Growing Up Trans Chapters:
Preschool - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2238402.html
Elementary School - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2238626.html
The Nightmare of Fifth Grade (NSFW) - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2238939.html
Middle School - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2239155.html
High school - Year 1 & 2 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2239578.html
High school - Year 3 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2240215.html
High school - Year 4 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2241302.html
Opening up to a Whole New World - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2242118.html
Intermission #1 - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2245139.html
The Boulton and Park Society - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2243005.html
The Birth of Jenn Dolari - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2243105.html
Life with Geri - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2244596.html
False Starts - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2244834.html
New Name, New Home - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2245871.html
The Real Life Test - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2246452.html
First Impressions - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2246872.html
Lone Star Rising - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2247894.html
My Chemical Romance (NSFW) - http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2248223.html
