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dolariComing Out to the Family -or- The Best Weekend Ever - Part 1
So.
This has been a very massively awesome couple of days. But the events actually began some months back....
A few months ago, a cousin I was very close to a kid was walking in a parking lot when she was hit by a car that ran off. She was in the hospital for sometime. My mother told me about this, and I wanted to call her, but there was one problem. I wasn't out to my extended family at all.
I kept up with her as best I could through her facebook profile, but could only see what she's allowed the public to see, which was mostly a few posts not marked for friends only. It bothered me knowing I couldn't talk to her to wish her well, or let her know I was thinking about her.
Fast forward to just a week or two ago. I packed up a lot of my clothes for the trip down to Texas. I packed mostly andrgynous clothes. Jeans, feminine but mostly neutral tops, and walking sneakers. I didn't bring my nice clothes because I wouldn't be looking for work in Austin this time around. It seems, I also forgot to pack the too-tight sports-bra I use a binder, to push my breasts down so I can pass as andrgynous around my family.
A few days into my Texas vacation, my mother told me that an uncle would be coming over to drop off his great-grandaughter for some mothers-day-out day care. I dutifully went up to my room and unpacked my clothes to find my sports bra missing. Crap.
Well. If I can't hold them down, let's sling them up in my normal bra, and lets just go with whatever happens.
He dropped his great granddaughter off, and immediately, his eyes drifted down to the chest. He didn't say anything, but it obviously was something that troubled him. But the rest of the day went as normal. But what was most telling...my mother said nothing. Just kept on keeping on.
Later that evening, my uncle's granddaughter came back to pick up her daughter. She thought nothing of how I looked, and just left after some visiting time. And again, my mother did nothing.
I sat back and thought about what "hadn't" occured. Mom seemed okay with me not hiding who I was around her brother...maybe it was time.
I decided, firstly, to make sure everyone in the immediate family. I'd known for sometime my mother was okay with me, and dad was one of the first people to accept me, within weeks of coming out to him. But what about my sister. My sister had never said word one about my transition ever.I didn't know if she was okay with it, or not. She'd always just kind of ignored it. Never phased when I was a woman around her, but never using my new name. So I upped and asked her. Turns out she didn't care one way or another. "You're still the same person inside, you haven't changed to me. Just don't wear any of my pants."
So I sat. And thought. And typed:
So.
This has been a very massively awesome couple of days. But the events actually began some months back....
A few months ago, a cousin I was very close to a kid was walking in a parking lot when she was hit by a car that ran off. She was in the hospital for sometime. My mother told me about this, and I wanted to call her, but there was one problem. I wasn't out to my extended family at all.
I kept up with her as best I could through her facebook profile, but could only see what she's allowed the public to see, which was mostly a few posts not marked for friends only. It bothered me knowing I couldn't talk to her to wish her well, or let her know I was thinking about her.
Fast forward to just a week or two ago. I packed up a lot of my clothes for the trip down to Texas. I packed mostly andrgynous clothes. Jeans, feminine but mostly neutral tops, and walking sneakers. I didn't bring my nice clothes because I wouldn't be looking for work in Austin this time around. It seems, I also forgot to pack the too-tight sports-bra I use a binder, to push my breasts down so I can pass as andrgynous around my family.
A few days into my Texas vacation, my mother told me that an uncle would be coming over to drop off his great-grandaughter for some mothers-day-out day care. I dutifully went up to my room and unpacked my clothes to find my sports bra missing. Crap.
Well. If I can't hold them down, let's sling them up in my normal bra, and lets just go with whatever happens.
He dropped his great granddaughter off, and immediately, his eyes drifted down to the chest. He didn't say anything, but it obviously was something that troubled him. But the rest of the day went as normal. But what was most telling...my mother said nothing. Just kept on keeping on.
Later that evening, my uncle's granddaughter came back to pick up her daughter. She thought nothing of how I looked, and just left after some visiting time. And again, my mother did nothing.
I sat back and thought about what "hadn't" occured. Mom seemed okay with me not hiding who I was around her brother...maybe it was time.
I decided, firstly, to make sure everyone in the immediate family. I'd known for sometime my mother was okay with me, and dad was one of the first people to accept me, within weeks of coming out to him. But what about my sister. My sister had never said word one about my transition ever.I didn't know if she was okay with it, or not. She'd always just kind of ignored it. Never phased when I was a woman around her, but never using my new name. So I upped and asked her. Turns out she didn't care one way or another. "You're still the same person inside, you haven't changed to me. Just don't wear any of my pants."
So I sat. And thought. And typed:
Hi, [Cousin #1].
This letter has been a long time coming. Nearly 15 years in the making. Which is funny, because I'm finally just sitting here, trying to find the words to say. So I may as well be up front about it. The only way out is through.
Basically, in a nutshell, I've been living as a woman name Jennifer [Tastykake] for about 15 years now. I've kept it from the family due to an agreement I made with my father that I wouldn't reveal anything until his mother passed away, which was about two years ago.
If you'd like to know more, I'd suggest my unintentional autobiography "Growing Up Trans" at http://jenndolari.livejournal.com/2253382.html
(Jenn Dolari is the name I use for all my online activities to avoid issues with fans (I'm actually a bit of a minor celebrity in transgender circles)). It's quite a read (and some of it is not safe for work, but is clearly marked), so here's a quick version:
My family has known that I was transgendered since about 1992. My move to Pennsylvania in 1996 was to help facilitate my transition from living life as a man to one of a woman, which was completed, with the help of a psychologist, in 1999. I've been on hormones since 2000. I have not had my surgery yet, but will once the money is saved up. And in this economy, I could be retired before I get it.
I've been working on a well known transgendered comic, published in five books, and ran the International Transgender Day of Remembrance Webcomics Project, which holds vigils for murdered transfolk, for several years. I'm also working on a more in-depth autobiography for transgendered teenagers, so they know they're not alone in how they feel.
I'm coming out now, as I feel I'm in a good position with my immediate family, that I can do this, and move forward. I'm out in every way except with the extended family, and I'd like to either know the door is open, or if it will be closed. I'm also in a position where I can handle both options, although I'd rather that the door is open.
You and I were close before I went into my self-exile, and I plan to start with the people I was closest to. At this point, I've told you and [your daughter] (As she's just recently seen me at home). I plan to tell [Cousin #2] and [Cousin #3], as well as [Cousin #4] and [Cousin #5] and [Cousin #6] (as we all were close as well), but I'm waiting to see if they'll join me on Facebook. It's kind of impersonal, I know, but a much easier place to work on a letter like this.
Also, I wanted to tell you because. Well. I remember you were suffering from depression years ago. I wanted to tell you I was too, and why, but really couldn't at the time. Your recent accident had me wanting to let you know you were in my prayers, but again, I was holding back from the extended family.
I've thought about you a lot in the last few years, and was always worried about what would happen if I did come out to you, which would lead to the rest of the family. Hopefully, the response is positive. If it is, awesome. If not...that's okay, too. It's not something everyone can handle, and I'm okay with that.
If you'd like to talk about this further with me, I'm always available here, via Facebook, jenn@dolari.net or [Phone Number]. If you have any questions, feel free to ask them. I've heard them all, and I'm very open about who and what I am. I'll answer any question in good faith.
There are also no more secrets here. If you feel you need to talk to someone else about it, please do. I won't be hiding any more.
Looking forward to hearing from you,
Jenn<,/blockquote>
I hovered over that for some time.before hitting send to both her and her daughter. With the letters off, I went to bed, and hoped for the best.
I woke up to a message the next morning, telling me my cousin's daughter (my god-sister), was totally okay with it, and hoping to see me soon. AWESOME.
About 2PM, I got a call from my cousin. Her first words were "Hi, Jenn, it's your cousin [COUSIN #1]." That. Was. Awesome. The first of my extended family calling my name. This was quickly followed with "I just want to tell you - don't send out the other letters yet. I'll tell you why, later."
Yeek.
