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Jan. 12th, 2012 02:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariJust some clarification on the "mindset" post from earlier:
1) I'm not getting my ears pierced anytime soon. Not until I can comfortably afford food and meds, both a little sketchy right now.
2) I have been trying to live as a woman for 15 years, but I've had a lot of pushback over it. I understand what I'm doing is considered out-of-the-norm, and being out-of-the-norm you have to expect push back from society. There's been a lot of it, mostly by other women. I know in my heart that I'm a woman. I've often had to fight to be recognized as one, and lost that fight often. I also know full well I wasn't born as one, nor raised as one.
That knowledge, and my lost fights, have ingrained in me a kind of default of "You're an impostor, Jenn. Everything you do is to try and fool people into thinking you're the woman you are" mindset. It's a mindset I've tried very hard to put behind me, and I've been mostly successful at it. But occasionally, it sneaks back up on me, like it did when I thought about getting my ears pierced.
When I posted "Second thought: 'What will people think?!?!'" It wasn't really a matter of "What will people think of me having earrings" as much as "What will people think of you having earrings to try and fool them."
I hate that little voice telling me that living my life as I need to is "fooling people." I wonder if it ever goes away.
Sometimes 140 characters is not enough to get all my thoughts out clearly....
1) I'm not getting my ears pierced anytime soon. Not until I can comfortably afford food and meds, both a little sketchy right now.
2) I have been trying to live as a woman for 15 years, but I've had a lot of pushback over it. I understand what I'm doing is considered out-of-the-norm, and being out-of-the-norm you have to expect push back from society. There's been a lot of it, mostly by other women. I know in my heart that I'm a woman. I've often had to fight to be recognized as one, and lost that fight often. I also know full well I wasn't born as one, nor raised as one.
That knowledge, and my lost fights, have ingrained in me a kind of default of "You're an impostor, Jenn. Everything you do is to try and fool people into thinking you're the woman you are" mindset. It's a mindset I've tried very hard to put behind me, and I've been mostly successful at it. But occasionally, it sneaks back up on me, like it did when I thought about getting my ears pierced.
When I posted "Second thought: 'What will people think?!?!'" It wasn't really a matter of "What will people think of me having earrings" as much as "What will people think of you having earrings to try and fool them."
I hate that little voice telling me that living my life as I need to is "fooling people." I wonder if it ever goes away.
Sometimes 140 characters is not enough to get all my thoughts out clearly....
