(no subject)

[dolari]

Just some clarification on the "mindset" post from earlier:

1) I'm not getting my ears pierced anytime soon. Not until I can comfortably afford food and meds, both a little sketchy right now.

2) I have been trying to live as a woman for 15 years, but I've had a lot of pushback over it. I understand what I'm doing is considered out-of-the-norm, and being out-of-the-norm you have to expect push back from society. There's been a lot of it, mostly by other women. I know in my heart that I'm a woman. I've often had to fight to be recognized as one, and lost that fight often. I also know full well I wasn't born as one, nor raised as one.

That knowledge, and my lost fights, have ingrained in me a kind of default of "You're an impostor, Jenn. Everything you do is to try and fool people into thinking you're the woman you are" mindset. It's a mindset I've tried very hard to put behind me, and I've been mostly successful at it. But occasionally, it sneaks back up on me, like it did when I thought about getting my ears pierced.

When I posted "Second thought: 'What will people think?!?!'" It wasn't really a matter of "What will people think of me having earrings" as much as "What will people think of you having earrings to try and fool them."

I hate that little voice telling me that living my life as I need to is "fooling people." I wonder if it ever goes away.

Sometimes 140 characters is not enough to get all my thoughts out clearly....

Comments

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

Also...why am I even thinking about this? You cant see my ears for the hair. XD

[pazi-ashfeather.livejournal.com]

Take it from me: they're still nice to have even when that's the case. I don't regret the impulse-piece from my trip at all.

[amw.livejournal.com]

I really need to make a post myself about a similar feeling that i get, though for slightly different reasons than you. I understand very much what you mean, though. Being trans is an unfortunate affliction that you end up dealing with for life, regardless of how successful transition is.

[aberrantangels]

I know in my heart that I'm a woman. I've often had to fight to be recognized as one, and lost that fight often. I also know full well I wasn't born as one, nor raised as one.

You may not have been born into a female body, but given how long the girl in the mirror has been there, I submit that you were in fact born as a woman. (Of course, it's easy for me to say that, given that I've only ever known you as Jenn, back to the days of RGVA.)

[pazi-ashfeather.livejournal.com]

This. I sort of hate the idea that you *are* the gender you were coercively assigned before you could have any say in the matter, until and unless you jump through X, Y and Z hoops, just because that's what people outside you think.

It's like, I think I know better than anyone else who and what my gender is. I don't have a man's body, I wasn't born a boy. And every time I say those things, it implies that every other trans person who hasn't jumped through some set of hoops isn't real/authentic either, even if I don't mean it that way on purpose.

Screw all that, you know?

[elenderel.livejournal.com]

Mmm-hmm. I'd say you were born as a woman, too.

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

Wow.... rec.games.video.arcade was a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time ago. @_@

[blooddiary.livejournal.com]

hi... I pieced my ears myself ages ago with a needle I sterilized by heating with a lighter it worked fine for me without getting infected or anything.

it saved me some money, and I'll trust myself with a needle not anyone else.

then again this is probably terrible advise (I'm known for it!) but I thought I'd mention it anyway feel free to ignore me.