dolari | Dealing with Heartbreak

I've tried hard to do a comic every wek this year, but you'll notice that about mid May, the updates have faltered again.

I have tried, very hard, to keep it up, but lately, I just don't have the drive to draw. I have the want, sure enough, but not the drive. I sit, pushing pencils against paper, and just can't get the emotion or want behind to push the pencils much.

I continue to have money problems and am about $4200 in debt, mostly from the move up from Texas to Seattle, and money owed to roomies in back rent and utilities. They are being paid off, but at a snail's pace.

I have become diabetic. And while the 70 pound weight loss was awesome, the constant careful planning to keep the weight off, as well as to keep complications away, is nervewracking and unending. I've also beaten back the disease itself, but I have no delusions that it's gone forever.

My pickup is dead. The fix is an easy one, and shouldn't cost too much money...but it's money I simply don't have. I don't have $50 to my name, much less whatever it costs to replace a clutch. She'll probably be donated to a charity who cna use her, or the Mythbusters. I doubt they'd take her, but I'd like to think she ends her life in a blaze of glory instead of rotting in a junkyard.

But those are just small things compared to the big two. The ones that really matter:

It's been a year since I've last heard from Emily, and those weren't happy words. I miss her. Think about her often. I also think about how I gave everything up for her. That doesn't help my mood at all.

My job has passed me by for a permanent position for the fourth time. I love my job, and this company, dearly. It's the best job I've ever had. I actually stayed in Seattle for this job, even after losing Emily and being offered a higher paying job. But, as much as you may love someone, when they've rejected your fourth wedding proposal, it's time to just be friends, and move on.

And that has been what's eating at me. I fell into a deep depression about six months ago, and had to go on anti-depressants to try and get back up from the put I was in. The job rejection has put me back in that hole. I'm trying to get out of it, but it's hard.

I've tried to make the best of it up here. I have some great friends, and I love my roomies dearly. I even made plans to try and remain here after the lease is up and we all go our seperate ways. A small place in Renton again. If I can afford the rent, maybe even a move to Snoqualmie or North Bend, which I've fallen in love with.

But the love I had for seeing Mt Rainier has turned into a reminder that I'm still here. To sum up the Washington experience of the last four years, I would have to say that word would be is "heartache." Losing Emily. Not getting the AwesomeJob. Homesickness that never got better. My roomies have tried making me happy, and I (and they) feel bad that they haven't been able to make that happen.

My lease ends in February, I'll be moving home then. There will be an extended trip to Texas (and Minnesota) in September, and before and after, I'll still be working a the best job ever. But the wait until February will be an emotionally rough one, and the "extrication" from Washington will be long and complicated.

But then I'll be home again. And being home again will be lovely.