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Aug. 17th, 2013 02:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariToday, during the sentencing phase of Bradley Manning's trial, he was outed as transgendered.
I'm not sure what the reason for the outing was...the defense trying to say she leaked the info because of the pressure of being trans in the miltary, or the prosecution trying to say "Look at the freak, put him away." I don't believe either to be the real reason for the leak...but there's something about the picture going around that's haunting me.
While I've accepted myself and even celebrated what I've become over the last almost thirty years, for a long time as I was realizing I was trans, there was a very deep struggle in my mind. The more I tried to be male, the more I was pulled to be female. For every pull in the tug of war, I was dragged the other way just as hard. There were times when I lost that war.
It was almost like a smoker trying hard not to smoke. I'd do what I could to NOT cross dress when I was alone. To try and get through another day without it. Not because I had a fetish of wearing women's clothing, but because I was trying to deny a truth that I'd convinced myself was a lie.
And there were times when I succumbed. It's hard to describe what that tug-of-war loss really felt like. The need to express what I really was to myself - to be a woman even if only for an hour or two. And when I did it, I'd look in the mirror, not with the look of "Oh, look, I'm a girl!" but a look of "I can't believe I lost the struggle. That I need to do this. That I'll always need to do this."
That picture is that look.
http://www.advocate.com/politics/military/2013/08/15/bradley-manning-sent-photo-doc-letter-titled-my-problem
I'm not sure what the reason for the outing was...the defense trying to say she leaked the info because of the pressure of being trans in the miltary, or the prosecution trying to say "Look at the freak, put him away." I don't believe either to be the real reason for the leak...but there's something about the picture going around that's haunting me.
While I've accepted myself and even celebrated what I've become over the last almost thirty years, for a long time as I was realizing I was trans, there was a very deep struggle in my mind. The more I tried to be male, the more I was pulled to be female. For every pull in the tug of war, I was dragged the other way just as hard. There were times when I lost that war.
It was almost like a smoker trying hard not to smoke. I'd do what I could to NOT cross dress when I was alone. To try and get through another day without it. Not because I had a fetish of wearing women's clothing, but because I was trying to deny a truth that I'd convinced myself was a lie.
And there were times when I succumbed. It's hard to describe what that tug-of-war loss really felt like. The need to express what I really was to myself - to be a woman even if only for an hour or two. And when I did it, I'd look in the mirror, not with the look of "Oh, look, I'm a girl!" but a look of "I can't believe I lost the struggle. That I need to do this. That I'll always need to do this."
That picture is that look.
http://www.advocate.com/politics/military/2013/08/15/bradley-manning-sent-photo-doc-letter-titled-my-problem
