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Mar. 5th, 2014 05:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariGoing to go a bit into territory I'm always a bit reluctant to go into. Some it merely interesting, others do it every day, and for others...it puts me squarely in "woo woo" territory.
There's been a post going around about the Occulus Rift Virtual Reality "body swap" experiment, and it was actually pretty awesome looking. If you want to check it out, go to http://www.rockpapershotgun.com/2014/01/27/gender-swap-is-a-fascinating-use-of-oculus-rift-nsfw/ (NSFW in a scientific kind of way). Being trans, I joked that I would do that in a heart beat.
The article is getting around again, and I've had some time to digest it since then. And I came to a conclusion - I don't think I could do it.
I do a lot of meditation, directed dreaming and even a bit of specific sensory deprivation.
When I meditate, I'm always me. The real me. The me my mind says I am versus the body. It's the same me I see when I dream. Female. But that's an inner-me.
Sometimes, I'll do a poor man's sensory deprivation - I'll go into the darkest room of the house, close allt he doors, block out all the lights, and do a bit of "waking meditation." It's kind of hard to explain. I won't actually go for that whole alpha-state kind of thing you get with meditation, instead consciously trying to make a specific thing happen: Try to "overlay" the inner-me on the outer-me. If I move an arm, it's not the body-arm I'm seeing, it's the inner-me arm. Being pitch black, I can imagine the smaller properly-porportioned body is moving, not the testosterone-shaped one. Some days I can pull it off. Others, not so much. When I can...it's very...emotional.
I sure hope that gets across the way I mean.
Anyways - there's a third thing I've done. And I have never done it again, because...it was even more emotional. The inner-me I see is not anything like a female version of the body I inhabit. It's actually VERY VERY different looking. There are a few sketches of her I've made, a few public, although I've never really said "Hey, look, that's me!" I can do directed dreaming - mainly by going to bed and telling myself, in a loop, what I want to happen. When what I say starts to change to what I see, I know it's working.
One night, I told myself, I wanted to see who and what I was had that one Y chromosome changed to an X. If I'd been born a woman. What would I have looked like, what was I doing and where was I going? And it happened. I was quite literally in the third person, looking at me as not just a woman, but a born-grown-up-living female. There was nothing terrible, nothing horrible, she was just her, living her life as a somewhat-starving-artist. going about her business without a trans-care in the world. I stuck around for about
I woke up immediately and cried the rest of the night away.
It's rough imagining and seeing myself as a woman-born-female even when it's imagined, or projected. If it were actually to happen, even through virtual reality...I don't think I would be able to take it.
There's been a post going around about the Occulus Rift Virtual Reality "body swap" experiment, and it was actually pretty awesome looking. If you want to check it out, go to http://www.rockpapershotgun.com/2014/01/27/gender-swap-is-a-fascinating-use-of-oculus-rift-nsfw/ (NSFW in a scientific kind of way). Being trans, I joked that I would do that in a heart beat.
The article is getting around again, and I've had some time to digest it since then. And I came to a conclusion - I don't think I could do it.
I do a lot of meditation, directed dreaming and even a bit of specific sensory deprivation.
When I meditate, I'm always me. The real me. The me my mind says I am versus the body. It's the same me I see when I dream. Female. But that's an inner-me.
Sometimes, I'll do a poor man's sensory deprivation - I'll go into the darkest room of the house, close allt he doors, block out all the lights, and do a bit of "waking meditation." It's kind of hard to explain. I won't actually go for that whole alpha-state kind of thing you get with meditation, instead consciously trying to make a specific thing happen: Try to "overlay" the inner-me on the outer-me. If I move an arm, it's not the body-arm I'm seeing, it's the inner-me arm. Being pitch black, I can imagine the smaller properly-porportioned body is moving, not the testosterone-shaped one. Some days I can pull it off. Others, not so much. When I can...it's very...emotional.
I sure hope that gets across the way I mean.
Anyways - there's a third thing I've done. And I have never done it again, because...it was even more emotional. The inner-me I see is not anything like a female version of the body I inhabit. It's actually VERY VERY different looking. There are a few sketches of her I've made, a few public, although I've never really said "Hey, look, that's me!" I can do directed dreaming - mainly by going to bed and telling myself, in a loop, what I want to happen. When what I say starts to change to what I see, I know it's working.
One night, I told myself, I wanted to see who and what I was had that one Y chromosome changed to an X. If I'd been born a woman. What would I have looked like, what was I doing and where was I going? And it happened. I was quite literally in the third person, looking at me as not just a woman, but a born-grown-up-living female. There was nothing terrible, nothing horrible, she was just her, living her life as a somewhat-starving-artist. going about her business without a trans-care in the world. I stuck around for about
I woke up immediately and cried the rest of the night away.
It's rough imagining and seeing myself as a woman-born-female even when it's imagined, or projected. If it were actually to happen, even through virtual reality...I don't think I would be able to take it.
