Blatantly plagarized from fugaciouslover

[dolari]

My job sucks, so I'm going to ask everyone here to tell me a joke.

Whip 'em out, leave 'em in the comments. I want 'em all. Good jokes, bad jokes, your worst jokes ever, puns, groaners, and shaggy dog stories. Funny jokes, stupid jokes, the one you just thought up, jokes you haven't heard since you were in grade school, the one your co-worker told you yesterday. Just tell me jokes.

Please?

(Sorry, but your intro was too good to not rip off :) )

Comments

[evillord.livejournal.com]

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

::dies laughing::

[interactiveleaf.livejournal.com]

Knock knock.

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

::groggily gets out of bed, wraps self in sheet::

Who's there?

[interactiveleaf.livejournal.com]

John.

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

John Who?

[interactiveleaf.livejournal.com]

*splashes your face with water*

JOHN THE BAPTIST!

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

I'm AWAKE, I'm AWAKE! ::spit:: ::cough::

(As a side note, this may be the longest telling of a knock knock joke EVER)

The only one I can think of...

[ascian.livejournal.com]

A small-town minister who was in the habit of riding his bicycle to church each Sunday emerged from his house to find that his conveyance was missing. After a brief search, the priest concluded that it must have been stolen, and angrily called the deacon to explain the situation and ask for a ride.

"It's a blasphemy!" he cried as the deacon drove him to church. "Stealing a priest's bicycle! If only I knew who'd done it!"

"Well, father," says the deacon, "everyone in town attends your sermons. What if you flush 'em out with one on the Ten Commandments? Pour on the fire and brimstone and then, when you get to Thou Shalt Not Steal, drive it home and look around to see who looks guilty."

The priest liked this idea and quickly began working up a fiery treatment on the Ten Commandments, which he rushed to the pulpit to deliver upon arriving at the church. The deacon stood off to the side to help look for likely suspects.

The sermon went brilliantly; each commandment struck the fear of the lord into the congregation, and the priest became more animate and more outspoken as he gained momentum. He hammered the pulpit with his fist as he commanded children to Respect Their Fathers and Mothers. He roared that Thou Shalt Not Kill. His booming voice shook the windows as he began on Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery.

The deacon leaned forward, knowing that the commandment against stealing was next. To his surprise, the priest became suddenly quiet, murmured that his congregation should go in peace, and stepped down from the pulpit. The deacon, stunned, followed him into the sanctuary and cried, "What happened? You were almost there! Thou Shalt Not Steal was next! Why on earth did you stop at adultery?!"

"Because," The frowning priest said, "I just remembered where I left my bike."

Re: The only one I can think of...

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

::laugh:: And just after adultery, too. :)

[paralaxview.livejournal.com]

A physicist and engineer and a mathematician were sleeping in a hotel room when a fire broke out in one corner of the room. Only the engineer woke up he saw the fire, grabbed a bucket of water and threw it on the fire and the fire went out, then he filled up the bucket again and threw that bucketful on the ashes as a safety factor, and he went back to sleep. A little later, another fire broke out in a different corner of the room and only the physicist woke up. He went over measured the intensity of the fire, saw what material was burning and went over and carefully measured out exactly 2/3 of a bucket of water and poured it on, putting out the fire perfectly; the physicist went back to sleep. A little later another fire broke out in a different corner of the room. Only the mathematician woke up. He went over looked at the fire, he saw that there was a bucket and he noticed that it had no holes in it; he turned on the faucet and saw that there was water available. He, thus, concluded that there was a solution to the fire problem and he went back to sleep.

[interactiveleaf.livejournal.com]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

.

.

.

.

.

Unique up on it!


And how do you catch a tame rabbit?

.

.

.

.

.

The tame way!

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

thuferin' thuccotash.....

[nathan-r.livejournal.com]

Many years ago there was a great merchant ship captain. He guided his ship through iceberg floes, pirate armadas, terrible thunderstorms-- every danger imaginable, yet he always brought his crew and his cargo safely to port. But he had one strange habit. Every morning, this great captain would take out a key that he always wore around his neck, and unlock a small chest in his cabin. Out of the chest he would take an envelope. He would open the envelope and remove a creased, yellowed sheet of paper, which he would look at with an unreadable expression. He would then put the paper back in the envelope, put the envelope back in the chest, lock the chest, and begin his day. Needless to say, the crew was wracked with curiosity. What could be the meaning of this strange ritual? Was it a map to a great buried treasure? A letter from a long-lost lover? Nobody knew what was on that piece of paper, and the captain never spoke of it.

One sad day after many years, the captain passed away peacefully in his sleep. The first mate assumed the duties of captain, and after committing his former commanding officer to an honorable burial at sea, he declared that he would open the old captain's chest and reveal the great man's secret to the crew. Every man on board huddled at the door to the captain's cabin while their new commander solemnly unlocked the chest, removed the envelope, unfolded the paper... and turned pale. Mouth agape and hands shaking, the former first mate turned the paper around, showing the crew the piece of paper, on which were written four words:

"PORT LEFT. STARBOARD RIGHT."

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

::snicker::

I remember PORT is LEFT because both have four letters. :D Which also means Shit and Book are Left.

[max-volume.livejournal.com]

It speaks volumes when this is the least offensive one I could think of...

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

You know, for a few minutes, my brain saw the punchline is "He's not getting any cat for breakfast?!"

THEN I got it. :D

[http://users.livejournal.com/strangelv__/]

Three theoretical physicists stumble drunkenly out the building after the long conference. Only two taxis are available.

The most drunken physicist comments that there's a lot of fog that evening. The less drunken physicist verbally declares that that's not fog, the cosmological constant is increasing and gets the first cab. The most drunken physicist is too terrified for words. The least drunken physicist declares that he's going home before it's too late and grabs the second cab. The most drunken physicist is left to cry out in desperation into the night (Okay, this one still needs work).

. . .

Q: What happens when you tell a nun one dead baby joke too many?

A: She shows you hers.

. . .

The oldest joke I've made up and still tell. It's a bit of a type fossil you'll have no trouble dating.

Q: What's 5 feet tall and 5 feet wide?

A: An Ethiopian government official


Hopefully I haven't told you all three too many times...

SL

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

>(Okay, this one still needs work)

It's still not as bad as Charlie Chaplin's favorite joke, which had him in hysterics, and everyone going "WTF?!"

[robby-bevard.livejournal.com]

*Walks up to Jenn, holds out hand and presents a coiled spring*

Go ahead, take it. Its a spring.

*Just as Jenn is about to take the spring, Robby YOINKS IT BACK!*

Nope, I took it back. Why? Well because...
It's the first robin' of spring.

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

::groan::

[iqtech.livejournal.com]

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and one to *not* screw in the lightbulb.

---

A buddhist monk visited New York City. As he was walking the streets, he saw an hot dog vendor and in ecstasy, ran up to him and said: "Make me one with everything!"
The hot dog vendor gave the monk his hot dog and the monk gave him a twenty dollar bill to pay for it. The hot dog vendor put the money in his register, locked and was about to walk away when the monk asked "Don't i have some change coming to me?" The hot dog vendor smiled and replied "True change only comes from within."

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

::laugh:: Buddha sometimes gets you TOO high.

[iqtech.livejournal.com]

Sure - but I hear it's okay if it only happens - now and zen.