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Jul. 9th, 2016 12:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariFor the last year or so, I've been back in Second Life.
I used Second Life as a way to visit friends who had mostly settled there as their social network, and to visit my fiancee nightly when in actuality she was many many miles away. For many years, Second Life was literally that. A second life. A world with friends and love and laughter, visited a few hours a day.
Then came The Great Unpleasantness. That meltdown contaminated a lot of my life. Places my fiancee and I'd frequented were suddenly terrible reminders of what we'd lost. An entire country was off-limits due to the times we shared there. Even friends we had together felt suspect. I left Seattle and my job, because the heartbreak was so terrible, I didn't want to be anywhere near Cascadia anymore.
I ended up moving back - mainly because the situation in Austin had gotten so bad, that moving back to the heartbreak of Washington felt like a right step. I had at least two friends who could've used my help, and Nintendo,who always had a place for me, offered to take me back.
In time, I even went back to Canada, reclaiming our old haunts as my own. I made my peace with our shared spots, and even her old home.
But all that time, I never took Second Life back. That place was sacred. It was where we lived together all those years. Day after day, hour after hour. It was the place that was damaged the most. Over the last three or so years, I'd tried coming back. A day between months. And hour between years.
Every time I did, I felt sad and horrible. I felt like a ghost of myself, haunting our old sites, which, over the years disappeared until there were none left. I wanted to relive the old days, visit places, see the impossible. But it was empty and alone and I was just a ghost haunting what was left. It made me not want to go back.
And then I realized - this was Second Life. You can be whatever you want. I honestly use it to live the life of a woman who is just your everyday woman. Not a transgender person stuffed in clothes that never fit and a voice that could cause earthquakes. I may no longer feel welcome as Carrie Talaj, the cute Texas redhead based on the comics. That felt wrong. Or the long haired brunette who looked like I felt. Or the angel who glowed in the night. I felt like a wandering ghost, haunting the grid.
And so I became one. And suddenly, the world reopened to me. Yes, it was sad, and empty and lonely. And so was I. But now, I BELONGED again.
When I lived here before, I did walkabouts. Walks from home to other points on the grid, or vice-versa. Mainly to see the sights and sound and experience the world. Since becoming the ghost, I decided I would haunt the land. And I have. I'm eight months into the most extensive walkabout I've ever done. From the most southeastern portion of the grid, to the northwestern.
Along the way, I've reconnected with old friends, met new ones. And have slowly re-acclimated as The Ghost in Second Life. I'm about 3/4 of the way through my walkabout. And for the first time in a long time, it kinda feels good to be back.
I used Second Life as a way to visit friends who had mostly settled there as their social network, and to visit my fiancee nightly when in actuality she was many many miles away. For many years, Second Life was literally that. A second life. A world with friends and love and laughter, visited a few hours a day.
Then came The Great Unpleasantness. That meltdown contaminated a lot of my life. Places my fiancee and I'd frequented were suddenly terrible reminders of what we'd lost. An entire country was off-limits due to the times we shared there. Even friends we had together felt suspect. I left Seattle and my job, because the heartbreak was so terrible, I didn't want to be anywhere near Cascadia anymore.
I ended up moving back - mainly because the situation in Austin had gotten so bad, that moving back to the heartbreak of Washington felt like a right step. I had at least two friends who could've used my help, and Nintendo,who always had a place for me, offered to take me back.
In time, I even went back to Canada, reclaiming our old haunts as my own. I made my peace with our shared spots, and even her old home.
But all that time, I never took Second Life back. That place was sacred. It was where we lived together all those years. Day after day, hour after hour. It was the place that was damaged the most. Over the last three or so years, I'd tried coming back. A day between months. And hour between years.
Every time I did, I felt sad and horrible. I felt like a ghost of myself, haunting our old sites, which, over the years disappeared until there were none left. I wanted to relive the old days, visit places, see the impossible. But it was empty and alone and I was just a ghost haunting what was left. It made me not want to go back.
And then I realized - this was Second Life. You can be whatever you want. I honestly use it to live the life of a woman who is just your everyday woman. Not a transgender person stuffed in clothes that never fit and a voice that could cause earthquakes. I may no longer feel welcome as Carrie Talaj, the cute Texas redhead based on the comics. That felt wrong. Or the long haired brunette who looked like I felt. Or the angel who glowed in the night. I felt like a wandering ghost, haunting the grid.
And so I became one. And suddenly, the world reopened to me. Yes, it was sad, and empty and lonely. And so was I. But now, I BELONGED again.
When I lived here before, I did walkabouts. Walks from home to other points on the grid, or vice-versa. Mainly to see the sights and sound and experience the world. Since becoming the ghost, I decided I would haunt the land. And I have. I'm eight months into the most extensive walkabout I've ever done. From the most southeastern portion of the grid, to the northwestern.
Along the way, I've reconnected with old friends, met new ones. And have slowly re-acclimated as The Ghost in Second Life. I'm about 3/4 of the way through my walkabout. And for the first time in a long time, it kinda feels good to be back.
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Date: 2016-07-09 12:21 pm (UTC)I'm delighted you're back in-world, nonetheless! Have you met
Like her, and yourself, SL certainly played a part in my own self-discovery, beyond being simply good fun - I was always taken with exploring empty sims and photographing them as best I could, taking full advantage of SL's ease of camera repositioning vs RL, not to mention full control over lighting. And I shan't deny I love being able to go shopping much more affordably than IRL. =:)