Caught between the rock, the hard place, and squishyness in between,

[dolari]

In the last few days, I've come across some excellent information about [SOMETHING], and some perplexing information about [SOMETHING ELSE]...and then a long talk with a third person about some issues I've been dealing with personally affected me, which the first two amplified greatly.

I can't really talk about the issues due to promises on all sides, but the good news is good, and the perplexing news is perplexing. But they're pretty positive things both...although maybe not that second one which is currently....okay, that second one is perplexing, neither good or bad yet. :)

However, as both of these things were going on, a friend asked me some questions about my own paths in life, and that's where Jenn gets funkified.

I hadn't thought about "My Plan" for a long time now. ESPECIALLY now. But when asked I just told this person what it was, and when I did, I just suddenly fell in knots. You see, I knew I was a woman about the age of 10 or so. Oh, there were younger signs, yeah, but about 10 is when it happened.

About the age of 12, and figuring out what I was and what I needed (thanks to a report on Sri Lanka of all things) I made The Great Plan. The Great Plan went as follows: At the age of 18, I would move out, and skip college (at first). As soon as I was out, I would begin life as a woman, and start all my psychiatry work. By the time I was 20, I was expecting to be on hormones, and at 22, have my surgery.

Unfortunately, I didn't take into account a mother who would find this all out and screw it up for me. She found out when I was about 14, and shuttled me to several therapists. Each time they thought I might be a good candidate for TG work, I was shuttled to another until one told her what she liked. And then the "nail the doors shut" thing kept me in the house until I was 20 or so.

At 20, I moved out into my own place finally. I was running late, but I could still do the Plan, and I started living as a woman there. I still went to work male, but I was female at home and grocery shopping and what not. That ended a year later, and I went back home when I was cheated out of my job.

I ended up moving to Pennsylvania at 22, but I was very...uneasy about transitioning because I wasn't alone. I was living with someone who, granted, was F2M, but still...if I screwed up, I had an audience. My own bashfulness took it's time, but I transitioned complete in 1997, minus a few jobs here and there. I was 23, still plenty of time. But with the layoffs and unemployment, I never got hormones till I was 27.

I did get through all my psychiatry work by 25 and transitioned on the job at 26, and have lived female ever since. Usually, you start hormones THEN transition, but hormones were nowhere to be found and my psychiarist and I agreed we should try to skip them and go right to the "Real Life Test."

I got hormones at 26 and have been on and off every since. So everything in my plan was done by around 26, which left four years to get my surgery. One of the problems with The Plan, was the deadline I gave myself: If I hadn't finished the plan by 2004, when I was thirty, I was to stop, and get on with my life.

It was a way of trying to get away from obsessing over it. This thing has made me do some very bad decisions in order to fulfill The Plan, such as pulling away from art as a career into tech (it paid better) and to skip college (money could have gone to my surgery), the 30 limit was for me to just Get On with Life and enjoy it instead of toiling away at a dream which prolly wouldn't come true if I was that off course by then.

Trinoc, though, hit right in the middle of my last ditch effort to get my surgery - I'd turn 30 at the convention. So knowing I was going to sink a LOT of money into this con, I pushed it off to 31. I had hoped that the summer of 2005 would have me flying to Trinoc to meet everyone, then from there directly to Thailand so I couls switch from standard to automatic. We all know how that went - I barely made it back from Raliegh alive. :)

Thirty one was a few weeks ago. I didn't post anything here, but I made the decision to follow through with The Plan and drop the surgery. Actually I made that decision in June, when I quit my job with That Evil Place, knowing my reserves would just dwindle away. If I just happen to have the money for it, I will get it. Just now, it's no longer allowed to be The Main Issue in my Life.

I try not to think about the surgery anymore, I figure it's behind me, and I need to look at rebuilding my life in the aftermath. But when you don't think about things, you forget what they feel like until someone reminds you of what you though and felt before. I don't blame that person at all - it was a valid question, and I answered truthfully. It's just that the truth hurts real bad right now.

A friend of mine once told me she felt as if she stole someones chance at SRS. I really hate to say this, but when things get very dark in head, and I'm angry and hurt, I think she did. I know she didn't...she knows she didn't...but my heart isn't convinced, no matter what my head tells it.

I'm funked. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Comments

[amw.livejournal.com]

:( *hug*

[hurricane-amy.livejournal.com]

never give up.... never ever give up...

[nathan-r.livejournal.com]

::hugs:: Don't give up, Jenn. You'll get the windfall you need someday.

[chrysalis.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry dear, I didn't realize. :(

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

Dont' worry about it...I didn't think it'd affect me as deeply as it did when you asked, or when I answered....

[zaecus.livejournal.com]

may not believe it, but...

grok

[ghostangel.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight* ;_; I'm always here to talk to if you need to~

[http://users.livejournal.com/strangelv__/]

Don't abandon it, but focusing on the long term and not trying to rush it anymore is probably for the best.

Last I checked there wasn't anyone making progress on the opposite surgery that would fix your problem, although with enough procrastination that could change.


SL, who also made short-term sacrifices for goals that didn't succeed in the target timeframe, with the net result of a lengthy setback. Lying to himself about the trajectory his health was on probably didn't help...

[emilydm.livejournal.com]

::hugs super-tight and holds you close::

[lisafreeborn.livejournal.com]

Never give up, never surrender! This is a delay, not a dead end. *hugs*

[debbie-ann.livejournal.com]

There's never a "too late"...my freind Lola (who very kindly is letting me live with her) is 62 years old, and she hasn't given up on her transition...(Feel free to tell me to get lost if I'm not helping...I'm not someone you actually know, I'm just one of your readers and a concerned well-wisher, so I hope I'm not just sticking my nose where it doesn't belong...)

[aadroma.livejournal.com]

Look, I'm sorry if I overstepped any boundaries when we talked. The thing is, you mean a lot to me, and I KNOW how much you'd fought to get that surgery. I don't want that to just die, after all that you've been through -- I hope it didn't make me come across as a dickhead. ^^;;;;

Please, be well, and know that there are those of us who'll support you. (HUG)

The road goes on and on....

[lisalees.livejournal.com]

Sounds very confusticating, but I hope you work things out. Trans life has too many rocks and hard places. Hugs from a reader of your strips.