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Feb. 20th, 2019 12:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolariThoughts Before Bed:
There are two things that kept me from going pro when it came to comics and writing..
The first. When someone in authority tells me stop, I tend to do so. In comics, it's when a publisher sat me down and told me I didn't have the chops to draw comics, to stop chasing a pipe dream, and find a better living. To be fair, I didn't have the best drawing talent out there, but my work was mostly me writing with someone else drawing. But he was someone I admired at the time, and took it to heart and for nearly five years, I didn't draw a darned thing.
Not too long after that, I tried getting into scriptwriting, which is where Closetspace was born. I stopped that when an agent I was looking at hiring told me very specifically: "Listen, every one of these characters needs an actor. Every scene needs a set. Every episode needs a director. These episodes need music, and every one of those instruments has a person behind it. There are going to be hundreds of people involved in this. This thing? Not worth the money they'd have to put into it." I took it to heart and focused on technical support.
This is not the comic artist's fault. Or the agent. It's mine. It's mine for believing them that I didn't have have the chops for what I was doing. That they were right, and I needed to focus on an aptitude I have, but don't enjoy. My art never recovered from the 5 years of nothing. Closetspace was never made as a TV show. The book languishes and Genevieve and the Play are hard to write for. Because I believed in someone's opinion of my own failure.
I've tried to overcome that. With the comics, yeah, I'm better now about it. I tried to get a TV version of Closetspace done in 2013, and got kinda close. I'm working on Genevieve. But it's tough to not hear those voices and say "you should really give it up."
The second? I can't work through emotional pain. When Closetspace and AWFW were first running, I had comics out weekly. 104 a year. I'm two months into 2019, and have yet to draw three panels for one comic. I drew four in 2018, two in 2017. Since 2009, my output has dropped along with my mental health. Since 2011, my physical health has taken it's toll too. Crystal powers through her work, and I've seen the toll it takes on her. And when I'm inspired by her, and try it myself, the results are "No. The gas tank is empty."
The stress of life has gotten worse with each passing year, and the more energy I have dealing with that, the less I have for my creativity. My only real creative thing these days is playing Zelda games on streams and riffing them - which is incredibly passive, but all I can do anymore, really.
I don't know how some people do it. I really don't. I was gonna draw today, but had a bad call at the end of my day, that sapped everything. It wasn't even that bad of a call...but it sapped all my energy away. I've sat here listening to Pink Floyd and staring blankly at Facebook (or even just the walls) for hours, because my brain just didn't have the energy to draw or write.
There have been anti-depressants, there's been 5 hour energy drinks, there's been 13 hours of sleep on weekends. That last one works REALLY well. But it doesn't take much to zap the life out of me these days, and when it happens, the lights in my head just turn off.
I've considered ending all my creative endeavors, just focusing on obligations I owe others and once they're dispatched, walking away from my creative world and focusing on the next paycheck. I don't want to live that way. But it's hard to live any other way these days
Anyways, if you made it this far, thanks for reading. I'm gonna go to bed now. Sleep tight, and don't give up your dreams. And if someone tries to take them away from you, you punch them right between the eyes.
There are two things that kept me from going pro when it came to comics and writing..
The first. When someone in authority tells me stop, I tend to do so. In comics, it's when a publisher sat me down and told me I didn't have the chops to draw comics, to stop chasing a pipe dream, and find a better living. To be fair, I didn't have the best drawing talent out there, but my work was mostly me writing with someone else drawing. But he was someone I admired at the time, and took it to heart and for nearly five years, I didn't draw a darned thing.
Not too long after that, I tried getting into scriptwriting, which is where Closetspace was born. I stopped that when an agent I was looking at hiring told me very specifically: "Listen, every one of these characters needs an actor. Every scene needs a set. Every episode needs a director. These episodes need music, and every one of those instruments has a person behind it. There are going to be hundreds of people involved in this. This thing? Not worth the money they'd have to put into it." I took it to heart and focused on technical support.
This is not the comic artist's fault. Or the agent. It's mine. It's mine for believing them that I didn't have have the chops for what I was doing. That they were right, and I needed to focus on an aptitude I have, but don't enjoy. My art never recovered from the 5 years of nothing. Closetspace was never made as a TV show. The book languishes and Genevieve and the Play are hard to write for. Because I believed in someone's opinion of my own failure.
I've tried to overcome that. With the comics, yeah, I'm better now about it. I tried to get a TV version of Closetspace done in 2013, and got kinda close. I'm working on Genevieve. But it's tough to not hear those voices and say "you should really give it up."
The second? I can't work through emotional pain. When Closetspace and AWFW were first running, I had comics out weekly. 104 a year. I'm two months into 2019, and have yet to draw three panels for one comic. I drew four in 2018, two in 2017. Since 2009, my output has dropped along with my mental health. Since 2011, my physical health has taken it's toll too. Crystal powers through her work, and I've seen the toll it takes on her. And when I'm inspired by her, and try it myself, the results are "No. The gas tank is empty."
The stress of life has gotten worse with each passing year, and the more energy I have dealing with that, the less I have for my creativity. My only real creative thing these days is playing Zelda games on streams and riffing them - which is incredibly passive, but all I can do anymore, really.
I don't know how some people do it. I really don't. I was gonna draw today, but had a bad call at the end of my day, that sapped everything. It wasn't even that bad of a call...but it sapped all my energy away. I've sat here listening to Pink Floyd and staring blankly at Facebook (or even just the walls) for hours, because my brain just didn't have the energy to draw or write.
There have been anti-depressants, there's been 5 hour energy drinks, there's been 13 hours of sleep on weekends. That last one works REALLY well. But it doesn't take much to zap the life out of me these days, and when it happens, the lights in my head just turn off.
I've considered ending all my creative endeavors, just focusing on obligations I owe others and once they're dispatched, walking away from my creative world and focusing on the next paycheck. I don't want to live that way. But it's hard to live any other way these days
Anyways, if you made it this far, thanks for reading. I'm gonna go to bed now. Sleep tight, and don't give up your dreams. And if someone tries to take them away from you, you punch them right between the eyes.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-20 11:03 am (UTC)I've been trying to work up to getting back to creative stuff, but - as in your own case - day-to-day survival needs keep cropping up to interfere.
I can't give up on myself, but I don't know what I can do to fix my own situation yet either.