You have reached your decision gate, and I can't waste any more time. End of Line.

[dolari]

OPINIONS WANTED!

With Closetspace now going to be the next comic done, I need YOUR (The Viewer at Home's) advice. Originally, Closetspace was going to be done with music. It's looking unlikely that that is going to happen soon, but music still plays a very very very important part of the story So, here're two versions of the script for the first episode. One with music as lyrics, and one without the music subtext.

I want your reactions to the scripts, and wether I should go ahead and go for a more musical story or not.

Please? :)

---

VERSION 1

1       EXTERIOR - ALAMO PLAZA - DAY

        An OLD MAN cranks an antique Gramophone in the park, but instead of an
        old vinyl record playing an even older ragtime number, there is an
        enclosed CD playing loudly through the large funnel speaker.  LYRICS
        play from the funnel.

2       THREE SHOT - CLOSE ON OLD MAN

        The Old Man looks up over to two older women, WOMAN 1 and WOMAN 2,
        feeding pigeons in front of The Alamo. Woman 1 is slim and long curly
        haired, Woman 2 is a bit bulkier, with shorter wavy hair. The two look
        very content, but are also a bit stiff, as if they have been waiting
        too long in the cold wind for someone.   The Old Man smiles to himself,
        happy at seeing such fine "young" women on exhibit in the park. The
        music continues to play from his CD/Gramophone.

3       TWO SHOT

        Woman 2, turns to talk to Woman 1, who continues to feed the pigeons
        absentmindedly.
                       
                        WOMAN 2
                        (slightly
                        irritated)
                It's been over an hour...she's
                not coming, is she?

4       CLOSE ON WOMAN 1

        Woman 1 turns to face Woman 2 with a look of surprise.

                        WOMAN 1
                Be patient.  Parking is hard to 
                find around here

5       SAME SHOT AS PANEL 3

        Woman 1 goes back to feeding the pigeons.  In the backgrouns a hover
        car flies past.

6       SAME SHOT AS PANEL 3

        Woman 2, obviously uncomfortable has shifted.

                        WOMAN 2
                It's too cold to be patient.

---

VERSION 2

1       EXTERIOR - ALAMO PLAZA - DAY

        Two older women, WOMAN 1 and WOMAN 2, feed pigeons in front of The
        Alamo. Woman 1 is slim and long curly haired, Woman 2 is a bit
        bulkier, with shorter wavy hair. The two look very content, but are
        also a bit stiff, as if they have been waiting too long in the cold
        wind for someone.   

                        WOMAN 2
                        (slightly
                        irritated)
                It's been over an hour...she's
                not coming, is she?

                        WOMAN 1
                Be patient.  Parking is hard to 
                find around here

2       SAME AS PANEL 1

        Woman 2 shifts.

3       SAME AS PANEL 1

        Woman 2 shifts again.

4       SAME AS PANEL 1

        Woman 2 shifts again.

5       SAME AS PANEL 1

        Woman 2 shifts one more time.

6       SAME AS PANEL 1

        Woman 2 shifts again

                        WOMAN 2
                It's too cold to be patient.

Comments? Suggestions? Boots to the head?

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I like them both. Using music to guide a story is a venerable and respected literary device, and it's been used in comics by such luminaries as Neil Gaiman in portions of his "Sandman" series. Version 1 makes the scene appear part of a larger world, and implies that the Gramophone player will reappear later in the story. Foreshadowing, if it pays off, is never a bad thing. On the other hand, Version 2 makes the scene more intimate, and conveys the passage of time (with Woman 2's associated discomfort) much more strongly. It all depends on what feeling you want to convey, I suppose.

Nathan