The "Wrong" Side of Trans

[dolari]

Over the last few days, it's kind of come to my attention, that my opinions on being trans might be "wrong." Or at the very least outdated.

It started a few months ago when I gave a friend, who had just come out as trans, a bit of (my) harsh reality of being trans. Her partner didn't appreciate this, although the person who actually came out did. Just a few weeks ago, when Emily was having her surgery, I was trying to be descrete when I'd mentioned she was having a deeply invasive cosmetic surgery...another person argued othat it wasn't cosmetic, it was medically necessary (I hate arguing semantics, especially when there are MUCH more important things going on). Finally, just a few nights ago, I'd made mention that I felt that a neo-vagina was just that: a neo vagina. Not a female vagina. Two people argued (and in one case, pretty vehemently) about it.

This got me to thinking, maybe my mindset was wrong. So much so, that I went to several of my closer and trusted friends and asked them if my viewpoint was...well...even valid....

Well, what IS that viewpoint?

My viewpoint, the viewpoint I've had about my transness all my life, is that I am a woman. A woman wired into a male body. No matter what I do to that body to make it look more female, in the end, it is a male body does not make you any more of a woman. Having electrolysis kills the beard, but does not make the body any more female you any more of a woman. Taking hormones to rearrange the body fat and grow breasts, does not make it any less male you any more of a woman. The surgery removes the penis and creates a neo-vagina, but does not make your body any less male OR more female you more of a woman.You'd think this last one would be the whole point in my view, but it's not:

But what it does is create the look and feel of a female body. And if that makes you feel better in your skin, do it. If you pass, even better. And if you can go stealth, go for it. But for me, even if I could do all those things, I'd still be a woman, wired into a male body, reconfigured to look female. I often liken being trans to having a massive burn scar on your face. You can live without any surgery, but people will notice the scar. If cosmetic surgery to make it look more normal makes you feel better, and hides the scar from the public, do it. But in the end, you have been scarred. And for some of us, the scar can never be completely removed.

But that's not an accusation of fooling other people, or deluding yourself. My beliefs are my own, if you disagree, I try not to push it. Beliefs are neither right or wrong, they are your own. And for me, being a woman is a state of mind, not a state of body (although that REALLY REALLY helps), and no matter what you do to the body you live in, if your heart is a woman, you're a woman.

Is my viewpoint valid? For me, yes. Pershaps for many others, yes. For everyone, no. In fact, I fully expect some pushback here about it. But maybe this will shed some light on why I think the way I do about transition, the words I choose, and my attitudes about translife in general.

[EDITED 3/5/2010 for clarification, edits shown]

Comments

[jenndolari.livejournal.com]

I doubt it would honestly. There's more to it than just that tug of war. There's socialization, learned behaviours, gender roles (which in my family were lines NEVER EVER to be crossed). At best, I'm foreign exchange student, trying to fit in.

[sunshinegrrrl.livejournal.com]

Well I totally agree with that. At the same time, the things surgery does help with are valid. The tug of war IS something you have to deal with. Spiro doesn't fix everything and until the testosterone is gone completely, the estrogen has a hard time doing it's job. Also, sexual contact, is at best depressing in most transwomen and downright devastating in many cases. Plus the legal definitions that SRS helps to fix in many cases and then your clothes fitting a tiny bit better and outdoor activities where group pseudonudity is a necessity like camping in places where shower stalls are communal or in the case of swimsuits which can be partially easily covered up. Likely, you'll always feel like a bit of an outsider but it's hard to feel comfortable with other women or around men who might find you attractive when a gust of wind could change their entire perspective on you. But that is certainly not the bulk of the girl/woman experience.

There's a lot to it and I had a really good girlfriend growing up(the second time) who helped me understand a lot of her thoughts on how she felt about my designation. It was an extremely unique perspective that I wish I could adequately share. Not many of us get to be that close to someone who was so articulate with her thoughts and so bright and introspective that she would have a lot to share. It made all the difference. But my point in that was that no matter what I did, I would never fully understand what it means to be a woman who grew up as a girl. The things she and her friends went through were by and large not anywhere close to what we went through in the years that are the most formative. And we must always strive to try to understand other women who have been in situations that we never really contemplated growing up.

In the end, she told me that she would always care about me for who I am and that to her, I was always considered a woman, but that I had never been a girl. But at the same time, I've learned about life in two seperate worlds and that makes me special in other ways that neither man nor woman can really speak to and that is what I hold on to.