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Anyoen who knows me, knows I have my feet pretty solidly onthe ground. For better or for worse. I don't believe in magick, although I'd like to. I don't believe in God, although somedays I'd like to. I don't believe in MANY things, wether I'd like to or not. I simply cannot believe something unless it's sitting there, right in front of me.
However, there are times in my life where, out of desperation or some glimmer of hope, I ty to pray, or at least channel some magick. Anything.
The night of my suicide, I went to a church as my Gethsemane. I went there to ask just WHAT needed to be done in my life. The church doors were locked, as was the chapel, despite the fact that in Catholic Churches, the chapels are never supopsed to be locked.
I've managed to figure out psychic fireballs, so my magick belief went up a bit...not much, but it did go up once Erin told me what I was doing.
Last night I was a bit at the end of my rope, and with several people telling me that maybe a Wish for Wings wasn't too far off, I tried a little something.
Lucy told me, before bed, to simply ask for "Clarity ,Explanation and Solution" to my lifes problems and to chant as you went to sleep. And I tried it. And the STRANGEST dreams happened. Dunno if they are Clear, Explanations or Solutions...but SOMETHING happened last night.
Normally I'd post the dreams in my dream journal, but this time,I'm posting them here:
It's dark outside, and I'm next to a pool. I seem to be in an apartment complex that I've thrown newspapers for (but nly in my dreams). All around me it is vvery deep purple twilight, and the only light is the greenish glow from the pool to my left. Suddenly, above me a helicopter appears nd shines a light to a distant grassy area. This grassy area is just on the edge of some woods, and I recognize it as the woods on the edge of an apartment complex I used to live in in San Antonio. The spotlight halfway catches the grass, and the woods behind it. In this spotlight, I see two pairs of glowing white lights, bobbing and swaying. I'm terrified, and recognize them as lights that were tryign to capture me in another dream. Quickly, I pull up my watch, which has a huge number of settings on it, and press a button marked "recall." The watch does nothing. I hit it a number of times, and nothing happens. Panicking, I throw the watch into a book bag, and throw that all into the pool. The balls of light see me...and fly towards me as...
I wake up at 6:00AM, Three hours of sleep. I get some water, and before I fall back asleep, I ask for Clarity, Explanation and Solution. In my mind, I begin to chant again...
I'm driving around town, visiting old places. I come to another apartment complex my family used to live in. In this dream, I still lived there alone, until I realized that not only had I moved to another apartment inside the same complex, but I hadnt' lived there in a long time, and may not have paid rent. I scramble for the Apartment Complexes post office, and try m ymail keys in various mailboxes because they're non-marked. My keys go into the boxes, but shred and break as I try to open the locks. Finally,I remember that my mail is just shoved into some standing two by fours doubling as boxes because they haven't finished building the post ofice box. I pull out the mail, and I'm inundated with letters. I find one with some pictures taken in State College, with millions of empty envelopes for reordering pictures. I begin to pull out the more important looking ones, when I'm interrupted by an angry looking person who I seem to know is a felon. HE starts to talk to me as I
wake up...this time at 7:30 AM. I try to turn back to sleep and again ask for Clarity, Explanation and Solution. But this time, ti's very very hard to maintain the chant in my head, as my head is beginning to interrupt my thinking. Voices are tlking to me about anything and everything as I try my best to concentrate. I finally black out while mentally chanting.
I'm riding down an old old abandonned road. More of a trail that used to be a highway at one time. It's a highway I've walked on before, through some dense woods, and I know it is Old Highway 10, but not sire WHAT Highway 10. A river running nearby has recently overflowed and wiped most of the portion of the dirt road I'm walking on away. It's still passable, but my scooter is sinking a few centimeters into the mud. I finally clear it, and as a do, a blue cow passes me on the left, just walking by. I continue on, walking this time, since my scooter has dissapeared. As I walk by, a boy on a horse, and an old man dressed as an Admiral on a cow trot by. I say hello, and when I do, the Admiral begins to babble. I continue on, but see some rank pins on the road. I pick them up and walk back to the Admiral and his son and ask them if they're his. The Admral picks them up and begins to babble about the war he won the pins on. The boy grabs the reins of his cow and pulls him along saying "Come on, Gramps." As they walk away, he continues babbling. I keep walking on, and come to a truss bridge, although it's just sitting onthe ground, and not a bridge over anything. The truss has netting over it, and I sit down. I pull a writing bookl out of my purse and begin to write in it. As I do, the mosquito netting falls on me. The truss has dissapeared. I try to fight my way around it, and managed to ge to the far end. There is a heavy thing holding the netting down here. I begin to try and fight my way past it and throw my purse at it. Whatever it is jumps off the netting and at me. I manage to make out it's mouth and teeth trying to bite down at me, and I shove the journal ebtween it's teeth. It gnaws on the book as I escape around it. I grab my purse, and manage to find my way out of the netting. Looking back, I see that a bear was on the netting and is busy chomping away at the hardbacked journal through the netting. I run away farther down the old dirt highway. and come to a construction site where they'er building a building. I walk through it as I have many times before and even say hellow to the constructionw orkers. However, this time, I walk under a machine dropping a heavy I-beam. I make my way out before it hits me, but as I continue walkign through the construction site, mroe and more I-beams are being lowered near my head. Finally I move out of the way one last time, when the foreman grabs me. He screams and yells at me that he's allowed me to cross the construction site too many times and he wn't stand for it anymore. He argues with me that the site is now closed off to me forever. I yell back at him saying that the dirt highway is still public right of way and I can walk on it all I like. I become so indignant that I want to moon him, and before I can, he presses a button on his cell phone. A door opens and my grandfather is inside. The foreman says "You wouldn't moon me in front of your grandfather, would you?" I walk up to my grandfather adn tell him what has happened. He's so indignant, as well, that he gets up, out of his wheelchair, and we BOTH moon the foreman. The foreman grabs me and throws me into his office where
I wake up at 9:30AM. This time I simply cannot keep the chanting up at all in my head as my head is too wild with thoughts intruding on my concentration, as well as the sound of my sister watching TV, the phone ringing and my mother taking a shower. I black out.
The phone rings, and I'm in bed, sleeping. Out of the corner of my hearing I hear my riend Scott leaving a message on the answering machine. My sister picks it up and says she'll get right to me. Scott tells her that he needs to go on hold for a minute, so if she could just wait until giving me the phone. I wake up, and ask my sister who it is. She tells me it's Scott, and that to get to him, I ned to press a certain number on the phones keypad to get to him. I'm a little dazed so I ask again how do I get him off of hold. My mother hears me and runs upstairs saying "Oh, I'll show you how to put the phone on hold" She fiddles with the phone,a ll the while I'm asking her not to put our phone on hold and that it's Scott's phone on hold. She won't listen and instead of putting our phone on hold, she hangs it up. She says "Sorry" and I tell her "I only hope it wasn't important."
And then I woke up at 10:30, completely unable to go back to sleep.
There's a theme running through here. I'd love to hear your thoughts on what these dreams were trying to tell me. So I've added my intepretations as a comment to this entry, so that your comments won't be influenced by my interpretation.
Comments?
However, there are times in my life where, out of desperation or some glimmer of hope, I ty to pray, or at least channel some magick. Anything.
The night of my suicide, I went to a church as my Gethsemane. I went there to ask just WHAT needed to be done in my life. The church doors were locked, as was the chapel, despite the fact that in Catholic Churches, the chapels are never supopsed to be locked.
I've managed to figure out psychic fireballs, so my magick belief went up a bit...not much, but it did go up once Erin told me what I was doing.
Last night I was a bit at the end of my rope, and with several people telling me that maybe a Wish for Wings wasn't too far off, I tried a little something.
Lucy told me, before bed, to simply ask for "Clarity ,Explanation and Solution" to my lifes problems and to chant as you went to sleep. And I tried it. And the STRANGEST dreams happened. Dunno if they are Clear, Explanations or Solutions...but SOMETHING happened last night.
Normally I'd post the dreams in my dream journal, but this time,I'm posting them here:
It's dark outside, and I'm next to a pool. I seem to be in an apartment complex that I've thrown newspapers for (but nly in my dreams). All around me it is vvery deep purple twilight, and the only light is the greenish glow from the pool to my left. Suddenly, above me a helicopter appears nd shines a light to a distant grassy area. This grassy area is just on the edge of some woods, and I recognize it as the woods on the edge of an apartment complex I used to live in in San Antonio. The spotlight halfway catches the grass, and the woods behind it. In this spotlight, I see two pairs of glowing white lights, bobbing and swaying. I'm terrified, and recognize them as lights that were tryign to capture me in another dream. Quickly, I pull up my watch, which has a huge number of settings on it, and press a button marked "recall." The watch does nothing. I hit it a number of times, and nothing happens. Panicking, I throw the watch into a book bag, and throw that all into the pool. The balls of light see me...and fly towards me as...
I wake up at 6:00AM, Three hours of sleep. I get some water, and before I fall back asleep, I ask for Clarity, Explanation and Solution. In my mind, I begin to chant again...
I'm driving around town, visiting old places. I come to another apartment complex my family used to live in. In this dream, I still lived there alone, until I realized that not only had I moved to another apartment inside the same complex, but I hadnt' lived there in a long time, and may not have paid rent. I scramble for the Apartment Complexes post office, and try m ymail keys in various mailboxes because they're non-marked. My keys go into the boxes, but shred and break as I try to open the locks. Finally,I remember that my mail is just shoved into some standing two by fours doubling as boxes because they haven't finished building the post ofice box. I pull out the mail, and I'm inundated with letters. I find one with some pictures taken in State College, with millions of empty envelopes for reordering pictures. I begin to pull out the more important looking ones, when I'm interrupted by an angry looking person who I seem to know is a felon. HE starts to talk to me as I
wake up...this time at 7:30 AM. I try to turn back to sleep and again ask for Clarity, Explanation and Solution. But this time, ti's very very hard to maintain the chant in my head, as my head is beginning to interrupt my thinking. Voices are tlking to me about anything and everything as I try my best to concentrate. I finally black out while mentally chanting.
I'm riding down an old old abandonned road. More of a trail that used to be a highway at one time. It's a highway I've walked on before, through some dense woods, and I know it is Old Highway 10, but not sire WHAT Highway 10. A river running nearby has recently overflowed and wiped most of the portion of the dirt road I'm walking on away. It's still passable, but my scooter is sinking a few centimeters into the mud. I finally clear it, and as a do, a blue cow passes me on the left, just walking by. I continue on, walking this time, since my scooter has dissapeared. As I walk by, a boy on a horse, and an old man dressed as an Admiral on a cow trot by. I say hello, and when I do, the Admiral begins to babble. I continue on, but see some rank pins on the road. I pick them up and walk back to the Admiral and his son and ask them if they're his. The Admral picks them up and begins to babble about the war he won the pins on. The boy grabs the reins of his cow and pulls him along saying "Come on, Gramps." As they walk away, he continues babbling. I keep walking on, and come to a truss bridge, although it's just sitting onthe ground, and not a bridge over anything. The truss has netting over it, and I sit down. I pull a writing bookl out of my purse and begin to write in it. As I do, the mosquito netting falls on me. The truss has dissapeared. I try to fight my way around it, and managed to ge to the far end. There is a heavy thing holding the netting down here. I begin to try and fight my way past it and throw my purse at it. Whatever it is jumps off the netting and at me. I manage to make out it's mouth and teeth trying to bite down at me, and I shove the journal ebtween it's teeth. It gnaws on the book as I escape around it. I grab my purse, and manage to find my way out of the netting. Looking back, I see that a bear was on the netting and is busy chomping away at the hardbacked journal through the netting. I run away farther down the old dirt highway. and come to a construction site where they'er building a building. I walk through it as I have many times before and even say hellow to the constructionw orkers. However, this time, I walk under a machine dropping a heavy I-beam. I make my way out before it hits me, but as I continue walkign through the construction site, mroe and more I-beams are being lowered near my head. Finally I move out of the way one last time, when the foreman grabs me. He screams and yells at me that he's allowed me to cross the construction site too many times and he wn't stand for it anymore. He argues with me that the site is now closed off to me forever. I yell back at him saying that the dirt highway is still public right of way and I can walk on it all I like. I become so indignant that I want to moon him, and before I can, he presses a button on his cell phone. A door opens and my grandfather is inside. The foreman says "You wouldn't moon me in front of your grandfather, would you?" I walk up to my grandfather adn tell him what has happened. He's so indignant, as well, that he gets up, out of his wheelchair, and we BOTH moon the foreman. The foreman grabs me and throws me into his office where
I wake up at 9:30AM. This time I simply cannot keep the chanting up at all in my head as my head is too wild with thoughts intruding on my concentration, as well as the sound of my sister watching TV, the phone ringing and my mother taking a shower. I black out.
The phone rings, and I'm in bed, sleeping. Out of the corner of my hearing I hear my riend Scott leaving a message on the answering machine. My sister picks it up and says she'll get right to me. Scott tells her that he needs to go on hold for a minute, so if she could just wait until giving me the phone. I wake up, and ask my sister who it is. She tells me it's Scott, and that to get to him, I ned to press a certain number on the phones keypad to get to him. I'm a little dazed so I ask again how do I get him off of hold. My mother hears me and runs upstairs saying "Oh, I'll show you how to put the phone on hold" She fiddles with the phone,a ll the while I'm asking her not to put our phone on hold and that it's Scott's phone on hold. She won't listen and instead of putting our phone on hold, she hangs it up. She says "Sorry" and I tell her "I only hope it wasn't important."
And then I woke up at 10:30, completely unable to go back to sleep.
There's a theme running through here. I'd love to hear your thoughts on what these dreams were trying to tell me. So I've added my intepretations as a comment to this entry, so that your comments won't be influenced by my interpretation.
Comments?
