I occasionally read while driving, but only when alone in rush hour traffic.

I just spent three hours downloading AOL 7.0. I don't like to upgrade unless I absolutely need to. Considering that a 50k upload took well over three hours the other day, I upgraded.

It all seems to be working. Uploads are actualling uploading. Hmmmm.....

If I dissapear for a few days in the near future, it's cause we dont' have any money to pay our phone bills.

::sigh::

I occasionally read while driving, but only when alone in rush hour traffic.

I just spent three hours downloading AOL 7.0. I don't like to upgrade unless I absolutely need to. Considering that a 50k upload took well over three hours the other day, I upgraded.

It all seems to be working. Uploads are actualling uploading. Hmmmm.....

If I dissapear for a few days in the near future, it's cause we dont' have any money to pay our phone bills.

::sigh::

so with my solution you can get married *today* rather than waiting around to see of the person you

Because I must have some sort of content for missing yesterday....stolen from burningskies

Current mood:
Bored

Current music:
Sakurai Tomo - Tenshi no Enogude (An Angel's Paint)
Kanasii dekigotoga "blue"-ni someta kokoromo, (And my heart with unhappy incidents stained blue,)
Tensi no enogude nurikaeruyo (I will repaint with the angel's paint)
Omoinomamani (Any way I want)

Current taste:
That wierd "Too Much Water" taste.

Current hair:
Shoulderlength with curls. Parted over the left eye.

Current dress:
Old T-shirt and white shorts.

Current grievance:
Don't get me started....

Current annoyance:
This one, neither.

Current smell:
The "smell" of cold...that smell yuo ge when you know it's autumn and the air is getting crisper.

Current longing:
To be back in Pennsylvania. Yeah, I bitched when I was there, but I stopped bitching about 1999. :)

Current game:
Super Street Fighter II Turbo

Current thing I ought to be doing:
Drawing up another episode of A Wish for Wings.

Current windows open:
AOL 7.0, Telnet window to Madness.Tmok.Com, Xing Mpeg Encoder, Winamp, LJ, The Click-O-Rama and lyrics to An Angels Paint

Current desktop picture:
Chun Li from Street Fighter Alpha 3

Current books:
Ghost towns of New Mexico.

Current cds in stereo (or in heavy rotation):
A bunch. Right now, the things getting most play are Radiohead's Optimistic and Stone Tmple Pilot's Sourgirl.

Current colour of toenails:
Healthy shiny color. Why bother painting my toes, they never show...and they're all squishy toesies, so ugly.

Current refreshment:
Water (prefer tea, but I don't drink enough water)

Current worry:
I NEED MY PILLS. SOMEBODY HIRE ME ALREADY!

Current crush:
None...not anymore...not that I can think of...wow, not even Deener. Surprises me!

Current favourite celeb:
Christian Amanpour and Wolf Blitzer, cause their names are so damned cool.

Current time wasting wish:
I NEED MY PILLS. SOMEBODY HIRE ME ALREADY!

Current hate:
I NEED MY PILLS. SOMEBODY HIRE ME ALREADY!

---

Okay, I spoke too soon - it took five tried to get this uploaded to Live Journal. The fifth time being when I signed off AOL and signed onto Juno. Rassin' frassin' AOL....

so with my solution you can get married *today* rather than waiting around to see of the person you

Because I must have some sort of content for missing yesterday....stolen from burningskies

Current mood:
Bored

Current music:
Sakurai Tomo - Tenshi no Enogude (An Angel's Paint)
Kanasii dekigotoga "blue"-ni someta kokoromo, (And my heart with unhappy incidents stained blue,)
Tensi no enogude nurikaeruyo (I will repaint with the angel's paint)
Omoinomamani (Any way I want)

Current taste:
That wierd "Too Much Water" taste.

Current hair:
Shoulderlength with curls. Parted over the left eye.

Current dress:
Old T-shirt and white shorts.

Current grievance:
Don't get me started....

Current annoyance:
This one, neither.

Current smell:
The "smell" of cold...that smell yuo ge when you know it's autumn and the air is getting crisper.

Current longing:
To be back in Pennsylvania. Yeah, I bitched when I was there, but I stopped bitching about 1999. :)

Current game:
Super Street Fighter II Turbo

Current thing I ought to be doing:
Drawing up another episode of A Wish for Wings.

Current windows open:
AOL 7.0, Telnet window to Madness.Tmok.Com, Xing Mpeg Encoder, Winamp, LJ, The Click-O-Rama and lyrics to An Angels Paint

Current desktop picture:
Chun Li from Street Fighter Alpha 3

Current books:
Ghost towns of New Mexico.

Current cds in stereo (or in heavy rotation):
A bunch. Right now, the things getting most play are Radiohead's Optimistic and Stone Tmple Pilot's Sourgirl.

Current colour of toenails:
Healthy shiny color. Why bother painting my toes, they never show...and they're all squishy toesies, so ugly.

Current refreshment:
Water (prefer tea, but I don't drink enough water)

Current worry:
I NEED MY PILLS. SOMEBODY HIRE ME ALREADY!

Current crush:
None...not anymore...not that I can think of...wow, not even Deener. Surprises me!

Current favourite celeb:
Christian Amanpour and Wolf Blitzer, cause their names are so damned cool.

Current time wasting wish:
I NEED MY PILLS. SOMEBODY HIRE ME ALREADY!

Current hate:
I NEED MY PILLS. SOMEBODY HIRE ME ALREADY!

---

Okay, I spoke too soon - it took five tried to get this uploaded to Live Journal. The fifth time being when I signed off AOL and signed onto Juno. Rassin' frassin' AOL....

Hulk want rubber girl that not explode!

So my mom is making demands of the $60 I have in my hot little hands. I had a few plans too. I plan to run up to Austin and grab my pills, which my mom is vehemently against...10 to 1 she'll find a way to keep me from going to Austin to cash the check.

She said that if she wasn't going to ge tthe money, I MUST put it into the bank. I just checked my bank account - it no longer exists.

Guess I'm going to go get my pills tomorrow, arent' I? :)

Now I hope I can finagle the pickup tomorrow.

She's also making noises that I'm not welcome in this house longer than a month. I hope she means a month from NOW and not a month from September 27th.

Sad being the black sheep, ain't it?

Hulk want rubber girl that not explode!

So my mom is making demands of the $60 I have in my hot little hands. I had a few plans too. I plan to run up to Austin and grab my pills, which my mom is vehemently against...10 to 1 she'll find a way to keep me from going to Austin to cash the check.

She said that if she wasn't going to ge tthe money, I MUST put it into the bank. I just checked my bank account - it no longer exists.

Guess I'm going to go get my pills tomorrow, arent' I? :)

Now I hope I can finagle the pickup tomorrow.

She's also making noises that I'm not welcome in this house longer than a month. I hope she means a month from NOW and not a month from September 27th.

Sad being the black sheep, ain't it?

Marcus, this is the kind of conversation that can only end in a gunshot.

More motherly goodness:

Mom: You know, [goodnatured cousin's name here] says United is hiring for technical support. Maybe you're not looking hard enough....

Me: Well, they're not posting jobs where I'm looking. And I'm looking in the paper and online.

Mom: Maybe you should look harder. But, I just remembered, you'd have to work with [goodnatured cousin's name here], and I don't wan't you working with her. I don't need that kind of stress.

Marcus, this is the kind of conversation that can only end in a gunshot.

More motherly goodness:

Mom: You know, [goodnatured cousin's name here] says United is hiring for technical support. Maybe you're not looking hard enough....

Me: Well, they're not posting jobs where I'm looking. And I'm looking in the paper and online.

Mom: Maybe you should look harder. But, I just remembered, you'd have to work with [goodnatured cousin's name here], and I don't wan't you working with her. I don't need that kind of stress.

If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.

WHY DO SHE ASK ME WHEN THEY OBVIOUSLY DON'T CARE?

Mom: Do you think those fish are mating?
Me: Bettas don't mate with non-bettas.
Mom: Well, those two are real close to each other. Are they mating?
Me: Bettas mate by making bubble nests. They don't mate with Gouramis.
Mom: They're mating. Why don't you see it?
Me: They don't mate with Gouramis.
Mom: They're mating. I'm taking the betta out of there.

If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.

WHY DO SHE ASK ME WHEN THEY OBVIOUSLY DON'T CARE?

Mom: Do you think those fish are mating?
Me: Bettas don't mate with non-bettas.
Mom: Well, those two are real close to each other. Are they mating?
Me: Bettas mate by making bubble nests. They don't mate with Gouramis.
Mom: They're mating. Why don't you see it?
Me: They don't mate with Gouramis.
Mom: They're mating. I'm taking the betta out of there.

The fire swamps of C++?

I am weary of days and hours,
Blown buds of barren flowers,
Desires and dreams and powers,
And everything but sleep
--Algernon Charles Swinburne, "The Garden of Proserpine"

I'm sorry about the recent lack of anything substantial in my entries. Frankly, all I've really done this week is lie down and watch TV. I could not overcome my own inertia since Tuesday. I didn't realize how far I've slid until yesterday.

I have a confession to make. A very deep one. I'm definately in the throes of full blown depression (millions of readers are now saying "duh."). Deeply. To the point of not enjoying anything anymore. Where I can't stop thinking about doing a horrible thing. I will not do this horrible thing. But I can't help thinking about it.

Tuesday, I did absolutely nothing. I woke up late, slept forever, hardly got out of bed, watched TV all day. Vacated my life and lived vicariously through Battlebots. I knew I really should draw another episode of AWFW, but just couldn't motivate myself.

Wednesday was when the whole erality of my situation clicked. I was ready for another day of TV when Erin called about coming down for a visit. We were both in a bad spot, and we really could have used each others company. She fed me something that wasn't completely made of red meat and lard, I took her to an EXCELLENT view of San Antonio (which I hope will be turned into a park one day), and saw the sun for the first time in forever. We had some dinner, and a very very very long talk that night. I didn't realize how much i had burrowed into my own little world of pain and hurt and who it was who was burying me.

Me: I wish I believed in magick. I would preform a cleansing.
Erin: Would you get clean taking a bath in a mudhole?

Today was the day my brain shut down. If you want to know what htis sounds like, it makes THIS noise.

If this day was summed up it would be summed up as "See Tuesday."

But on closer inspection:
My mother has demanded money from me.
My mother asks me for information, then dismisses it constantly.
My mother bluntly tells me she is embarrassed by me.
My mother has belittled me all day.
My mother inserts herself into evey aspect of my life, whether she needs to or not.

Once, a little girl said that my mother was a scary evil looking person. Another friend of mine won't talk to her, because she's scared of her. Another pointed her out as a source of infinite evil and hate.

Coming home was a mistake. A mistake greater than any I have ever made. I'm far away from friends, minus one. I'm under the thumb of someone who is demanding that she knows best and disables me when I don't go where she leads.

I've been on the verge of crying all day. I am certain that the only cure at this point would be extensive therapy, anti-depressants. But none of that will happen without ONE thing.

I need to get out of here...out for GOOD.

I have a plan.

I will get it moving tonight.

Tomorrow, though, I will cash this check, and pick up my pills. I'll put the rest in the bank...consideing my account is closed, this will most likely not be easy. But I MUST.

The fire swamps of C++?

I am weary of days and hours,
Blown buds of barren flowers,
Desires and dreams and powers,
And everything but sleep
--Algernon Charles Swinburne, "The Garden of Proserpine"

I'm sorry about the recent lack of anything substantial in my entries. Frankly, all I've really done this week is lie down and watch TV. I could not overcome my own inertia since Tuesday. I didn't realize how far I've slid until yesterday.

I have a confession to make. A very deep one. I'm definately in the throes of full blown depression (millions of readers are now saying "duh."). Deeply. To the point of not enjoying anything anymore. Where I can't stop thinking about doing a horrible thing. I will not do this horrible thing. But I can't help thinking about it.

Tuesday, I did absolutely nothing. I woke up late, slept forever, hardly got out of bed, watched TV all day. Vacated my life and lived vicariously through Battlebots. I knew I really should draw another episode of AWFW, but just couldn't motivate myself.

Wednesday was when the whole erality of my situation clicked. I was ready for another day of TV when Erin called about coming down for a visit. We were both in a bad spot, and we really could have used each others company. She fed me something that wasn't completely made of red meat and lard, I took her to an EXCELLENT view of San Antonio (which I hope will be turned into a park one day), and saw the sun for the first time in forever. We had some dinner, and a very very very long talk that night. I didn't realize how much i had burrowed into my own little world of pain and hurt and who it was who was burying me.

Me: I wish I believed in magick. I would preform a cleansing.
Erin: Would you get clean taking a bath in a mudhole?

Today was the day my brain shut down. If you want to know what htis sounds like, it makes THIS noise.

If this day was summed up it would be summed up as "See Tuesday."

But on closer inspection:
My mother has demanded money from me.
My mother asks me for information, then dismisses it constantly.
My mother bluntly tells me she is embarrassed by me.
My mother has belittled me all day.
My mother inserts herself into evey aspect of my life, whether she needs to or not.

Once, a little girl said that my mother was a scary evil looking person. Another friend of mine won't talk to her, because she's scared of her. Another pointed her out as a source of infinite evil and hate.

Coming home was a mistake. A mistake greater than any I have ever made. I'm far away from friends, minus one. I'm under the thumb of someone who is demanding that she knows best and disables me when I don't go where she leads.

I've been on the verge of crying all day. I am certain that the only cure at this point would be extensive therapy, anti-depressants. But none of that will happen without ONE thing.

I need to get out of here...out for GOOD.

I have a plan.

I will get it moving tonight.

Tomorrow, though, I will cash this check, and pick up my pills. I'll put the rest in the bank...consideing my account is closed, this will most likely not be easy. But I MUST.